i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Special Friend

   Tonight was a long one. I just finished Talking to my friend, Anderson. We talked for 3 and a half hours....soo long that we didn't even notice that it was already dark outside. We talked about so many things that could relate to anyone who worries about their future. It was a very nice and interesting conversation. So nice that it made me realize (as we talked) that I found that special friend I always wanted. I had him in front of me all this time but i never noticed until now. I remembered one of my diary entries from when i was a child ( 2/1/06); at that time i said "I hope later on I find  a truly friend that have the same in common & doesn't get annoy. i don't know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope So. :(".
      Anderson also wants to become a vet but that's not the reason why i see him as a special friend. He's always making sure to keep in touch. He doesn't want to lose our friendship and is always txting me everyday even when i take days to answer him, he continues to literally blow up my cell. He shows me that he's still there for me even if i want it or not. And for some reason he wants to actually talk to me. It warms my heart knowing that he doesn't find me annoying (yet lol?). If i were little again, i would have never imagine that special friend to be a guy especially. This is the first time i ever had a close guy friend. And im sooo happy that he was the one. I feel so close to him, i dont want that to ever change. Im not interested in him like THAT (He's gay[which is not the point, but felt like pointing out]), i feel like i have another brother. One that i can talk about life in general. Although their r some stuff that i still havent told him about myself. Im afraid that if i do, he might see me differently and i dont want that.... but yet for some reason i wanna tell him so many things and i hope he can see how much he means to me. I love that fool a tons. He's part of my family like the rest of my closer friends. I hope we continue to be close as the days go by.