My heart is thumping to fast...

Like it knows I'm going to do something stupid...

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Telenovela

I started watching La fea mas Bella again. I've watched it so many times. It's my favorite novella of all time because I feel like I could relate to some stuff. And so I started watching it and I ended up crying in all the beginning episodes. I don't know why....but it hit home...

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Drama

who would've thought I would have family drama. I mean I knew it was possible since it happens a lot within families but for some reason I just didn't think it would happen in my family. Not because I saw my family as perfect--on the contrary we are far from it--but I guess you could say It never really crossed my mind. In the end everyone has a sort of family drama and it's just the worst. My bro and sis have been fighting for quite some time now. It started off with my brothers girlfriend-->to how much he changed-->to suddenly moving out-->and then finally sis car problem. In no means am I trying to say it's his faults, I'm just trying to show the reasons why my sister started hating our brother. And I do mean hate, before today I was hoping they would reconcile and become close like they use to be...but it was a hopeless wish. After today I realized how much they detest each other. And honestly it gets me really sad. I won't go into details of what happened today because just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. Let me just tell you that it wasn't pretty. There was a lot of shouts, cussing, hitting doors, throwing stuff, threats, and almost close to someone getting hit. When this was happening I was in my room trying not listen to it. Listening to this was utter hell. As in it made me start crying. I don't like seeing my family arguing and going against each other. I hate how much hate they have one another. I can't say anything without the fear of being placed on someone's side. Im even fearing that something bad will happen. They have threaten each other and from what happened today, I feel like it might become true. I'm honestly scared of those two....and very sad...I told my sister that he was our only brother. I told her what would she do if I were to die before them? I told her that if my parents were gone as well that's really her only family left. She cannot hate him forever....but sadly she is determine to.....

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great 4th of July is getting closer.....not looking forward to it...

Lately i've been feeling under the weather; i've gotten lazier, my energy is literally no where up to speed. There are moments when I want to do something like paint, draw, or write...but just as soon as I get excited t my little energy leaves me and once again im faced with utter tiredness and depression. All I want to do is lay somewhere and either stare at something without thinking or just sleep. I hate this feeling. I wish I had friends I could hang out with. I'm tired of being lonely and not experiencing the fun of the outside world with other people...I just don't want to be tired anymore....

Tearful night

I asked my mom for some sleeping medicine. She gave me some and I was hoping to instantly fall asleep before my thoughts kicked in...but it was hopeless. The thoughts came back fool force. I feel like I have another voice feeling me these negative stuff. Instead of sleeping I'm crying now because all I can think about is my death. How my life is worth nothing. How everything I did to this point is absolutely valueless. How easily expendable I can be...and although I hate the fact that many will cry, I will soon be forgotten like when I was living. And I think that makes me sad the most.

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It's funny

I haven't talked to An this week, well technically he hasn't replied back. He's been busy with chem work and I just didn't want to disturb him so I decided not bother him. And yet I miss him. It's funny how one of my last posts I talked about ignoring people. I completely failed on that part. I can't ignore them forever because I end up missing them. I bet this is karma at its finest...it sucks. He's the only friend that talks to me, I can't let this friendship fade. I just can't. Without him I would definitely feel like I have no one...

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Trying to sleep earlier but it's near impossible

Like always my thoughts are all over the place. My head feels like it's about to explode, literally. I'm starting to have a major headache and tossing & turning won't help one bit. As well I'm having this feeling of wanting to kiss someone and just cuddle. Am I the only one who gets these random feelings? Don't tell my I'm sexually frustrated -__-
That would be too funny.
Any who I don't know why I started feeling this way, maybe my thoughts taking me to places that don't exists?
I'm even feeling the need to bite someone...it's been a very long time since I did that...
Oh great....what has become of me...
Well I shouldn't be surprised right self?
Ugh!! Liz go to sleep!!

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Dream of mine

I had this very nice dream...I'm not really going to talk about it because if I do it's only going to trouble me further...and I told myself I was going to stop with this. But overall I loved my dream. It felt so real and I was so happy. Even though I kept it hidden in my dream as how I did in reality, I was much at ease there about it then I was here. Sadly I woke up and was quite disappointed. Oh well back to reality.

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Once you start it's hard to stop

My addiction problem.

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Suddenly....

My mood shifts every second...I can never stay in one mood...earlier I was talking about my obsession over yaoi...and just now I was about to go to bed...but before doing that I decided to go online to my other accounts (which I Know I shouldn't do) and then my thoughts started to consume me....now the thought calmed a bit but now my problem is that I kept pacing back and forth thinking about where I can find a blade...and then I realized my art class made us by a blade--which we never used... so now in getting "itchy". I really want to go get one and get it over with....but my other self is against it...ugh...so for now I just decided to drown a cup of vodka hoping ill forgot about the blades...didn't help really...since I can't get carry away and also because I hate the taste..ha.....

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Obsessed with manga...again

So during my summer break I was suppose to be doing other things...instead I started obsessing over anime again. Aha!
I haven't done this for awhile now so I guess I'm catching up for all the other times I couldn't enjoy a good anime.
So just recently I've been reading yaoi again. Yaoi is basically boy love manga. What's funny though is that at first I didn't understand why their had to be so many sex scenes, but then I started thinking and decided to look up the definition for yaoi. I found out that it was basically sexual relationships between male characters.
It all made sense.
AhA!
Well at least I know now, anyways I still love reading yaoi. I got used to the scenes and I just get to obsess over the lovey dovey of these lovers! It's so cute!!

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I make no sense...

I haven't talked to anyone these last days... not even to the only friend I do tend to talk to....I'm not always sad... but for some reason this feeling is always there whenever I'm having an okay day. The feeling of not having anyone...so I guess that what I'm trying to do now...make this thought into a reality...

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I started painting again...

Hopefully It'll take away my stress...

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Curiosity killed the cat

I really want to try out weed
I want to see how it feels like to get high
From what I've seen from these people it seems like fun.
So many times they offered, so many times I denied them just because my sister was there.
I know it's bad but I really am tempted to try it...as well as I'm tempted to getting drunk again...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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Nagging voice

I keep thinking that I have no one. A voice inside my head keeps telling me that I can let go. That I have no one to hold me back therefore I should just get it over with. I know I shouldn't listen to that dark voice but sometimes it just feels like it's telling me the truth...

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Need to stop...not healthy

I need to stop this nonsense! I shouldn't be feeling this! Not anymore! I need to stop thinking of the past and live in the now. I decided to go down this road so I need to ably by it. Going back to memory lane doesn't help, it only hurts. It makes me regret things which I guess I shouldn't since I would do the same thing all over again. Maybe in another life everything would've been different. I would've been different...but that just a fantasy, sadly, this is reality. I'm sorry, I shouldn't make anymore harder... *sigh*
Never thought I would be in this position...

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Shadows

Their there. Next to me. Across from me. Over me. Under me. Around me. In the end their always there. Even If I can’t see them I can feel them. I can feel their dark eyes on me, their slithery long pointy claws on my body. No matter how many times I try putting the blankets over my head, their still there. Waiting to scare me even further….

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Needy O.P

Sometimes i wish that someone would acknowledge me. That one day i would at least cross their mind and that they have the interest in knowing how im doing….what i dont what is that they feel the need to talk to me just because i started the convo. and they just dont want to be rude in telling me off. I want someone to just come up to me or just randomly msg me with a 'hey, its been awhile, i miss ya peep, what's been up?' I want them to actually have an interest me and be like 'wow she's a real cool peep'….i dont know what im saying… im not making sense… but i seriously been feeling down lately and i guess i want to know that i have someone their for me, ya know? … i just dont want to be alone anymore… :/

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2 years ago O.P (older post)

im feeling rather strange tonight.

it feels like a good strange. I feel actually happy. I feel hyper. I feel like doing anything crazy right about now….but also theirs this other ‘strange’ feeling bothering me somewhat…i can feel it there. Just behind the ‘Happy feeling’. It wants to suck me in to its negativity..and somewhat im afraid of falling back in…ima try hard not to.

_____________________________________________________
Can you guess what happened? That's right I fell back...

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most significant people in my life

I posted this awhile back on my tumblr. I felt posting it on here to have easier access to it whenever I decided to re-read my notes... I think I'm going to do that. Posting all my older notes from tumblr on here. Not all but some...
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In all honesty I can’t name only 2 people, it all comes down to my family and friends; I consider them all significant in my life.

They are the reason why I held on for so long…and although I don’t talk to them as much (i guess i’m not much of a talker) I still think about them everyday and know that they will be there for me whenever I need it….

A breakdown:

Mom: is the kindest person you’ll ever meet. She has her viewpoints on certain matters and we usually end up bumping heads or get into a heated argument about it but golly…do I love her. How can I not love her? She raised me into the person I am today. Sure I may be a little bit messed up but that’s not her fault, that’s mine. She did everything she could to make me a good human being; which I have to say she was very successful. I love her so much and I miss her as well. Every time I go home I always end up making funny faces at her just so she can laugh. I love making her laugh because then it makes me feel like I am a good enough daughter. Seeing her laugh makes me not want to disappear. I never ever want to see her cry, that’s why I have to keep moving forward…

Dad: a very religious father figure, where at times I really get annoyed by it. But I know that he loves me and is trying to teach me the good ways in life. It’s not often that we bond together, in fact when we do it can sometimes start awkward, and he can even be scary. Even my friends say he looks scary, but he isn’t. He puts up this hard exterior but if you dig deep enough you’ll find this childish man. An adorable one too. And no matter what my current mood might be with him, I will always love him.

Bro: he doesn’t know it but ever since I was a kid he’s been my role model. Growing up he would be strict with me and act more like a father than a brother but that’s only because he was overprotective of his little sister…Anytime he made me cry he would end up apologizing and trying to make me laugh. Even if I was really mad at him he would always find a way to make it up for me. He is a great person, even if he doesn’t think so he is. Sure he might have his problems but everyone does. That doesn’t mean I will love him any less.

Sis: we are complete opposites. She’s the “girlie girl” and I’m the ‘tomboy’. We would mainly fight growing up and wouldn’t get along as much (especially since we are six years apart)…but ever since we moved out here to college together, we’ve bonded so much. Sure we still fight from time to time but that’s normal, at least now we are able to rely on each other and confide in one another. Shoot, She even saved me from myself. If she were to never come here with me..I honestly wouldn’t have made it…. I am truly grateful that I have her in my life.

Guada: the first friend who I became close too. Before I ever met her, I use to hang out with what I use to call the “girlie girls”. I hang out with those girls from 2nd to the beginning of 8th grade. I always thought we were close, but we weren’t. We drifted apart and they never seemed to noticed…and it was sad but at the same time it was for the best, because if that were to never happen I would’ve never met this weirdo! This weirdo who showed me the true meaning of friendship. Everyday I thank God I met her. If it weren’t for her I would be in a different path and I sure as heck don’t think it would’ve been a good one. This girl is one of a kind and i’m lucky to have found her in my life.

Amanda: I remember I didn’t like her one bit *laughs* And that’s only because I was afraid she would take my close friend away from me. I was so dumb to think that…This girl is an insanely awesome person, I kid you not! I love the way she is, she’s so outgoing and is not afraid to speak her mind! I find it inspiring really! Her personality is just so contagious (I mean that in a good way). It’s hard to be in a bad mood when your around her. She is literally the life of the party and I just can’t see my life without her. She NEEDS to be in it! It’s a must!

Ritz: she’s something special. I met her in freshmen year but we honestly started hanging out more in sophomore year. At first i didn’t know how to feel about her, their were moments when i thought she was too hyper *chuckles(YEAH I SAID CHUCKLES)* but as I got to know her more and more it became hard to stay away from her. Throughout that time i learned that she is a lover and fighter. Her writing is incredible; so incredible that you will literally be mesmerized by the things she can write. Her words alone can make your heart warm up. She is truly an amazing girl, i was lucky to have shared a special moment (even if it was short, it meant a lot)with her in my life. A moment that I would never forget… I am truly blessed to have her friendship.

Anderson: What can I say about this dude other than he constantly blows up my cell and forces me to talk to him and its annoying as heck—Which only makes me love him more. We met in the last years of High School and instantly became close. He is honestly the closest guy friend I ever had in my entire life. The first time I hanged out with him I was literally so nervous about screwing it up but somehow we hit it off just fine! He is a great bud and I’m always able to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk about with others. He’s so positive and god does this boy know how to make you laugh. If you hang out with him there is NO WAY you cannot laugh! He is a big part in my life and we are probably going to get old together. After all he’s going to be my future husband aha! 
(Lmao kidz)

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Not my day

Today hasn't been great. I woke still feeling angry and sad. My mom came to my room asking if I wanted to go to the pulga. I told her no. She kept insisting and I just kept saying no,no,no. Then my sister said I had to wake up and go with them. She pulled my blanket off me and I screamed at her. They left me alone getting ready and once it was 1 o'clock they notice I wasn't getting up any time soon to eat. My mom kept asking what was wrong..at that point I didn't know what was wrong with me,  and I kept telling her nothing. Bro then came over and sat next to me on my bed. My back was to him and he as well knew something was wrong. He didn't ask like everybody else, instead he just talked randomly and tried to make me laugh...it was nice but at the same time It made me cry. So I cried so much and tried to hide it from him. I'm not sure if he noticed, if he did I'm glad he didn't mention it. That was the second time I accidentally cried for no reason in front of my bro. And no matter how much I tried to stop it became worse.
Then they left to the store. My eyes felt so tired and I didn't really felt like doing anything. I just walked around the house ate and then sat on the living room watching old movies. When they came back, I wasn't myself. I didn't really talk, just continued to stare at the tv. My family kept wondering what was wrong and I just didn't have an answer. And then I went back to my room and slept. I just barely woke up and I still feel like crying... and I still don't know why...

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