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It hurts hearing those words...but it only hurts because I know they are true....

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Rant

I hate the fact that my mom tries to make me feel guilty when I go out with friends. She starts saying how I'm always leaving her alone and spending the whole day out with others. Which is utter bull! I never go out! I don't have a social life at all! Is it wrong that now that I'm on summer break I want to spend it with my only few friends as much as possible before I have to go back to school and become misearable? Anyway it's not like I'm going out every freaking day! I don't get why she says these things, it hurts a lot to hear this as well as it angers me....and what hurts even more is that she doesn't trust my friend just because he's gay. Today I told her I was going over to his house and the first thing she did was gasp. She was horrified, and kept telling me not to go inside his house or room. Saying that he could do things to me. It pissed me off and I told her if he invites me to his room I will definitely go in. And she was literally mad! And finally when I came back, she was telling me how she was afraid I would marry him. And just to rally her up further I told she should be afraid because I will marry him. And then I sarcastically joked how I would have to keep an eye on him because he would probably cheat on me with a hot guy. My mom wasn't happy with my response and told me to stop saying such idiotic things.
Ha, if she only knew that her daughter liked a girl and even kissed 2 girls in her life. I'm pretty sure she would burst... *sigh*

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Whisper

I found this app called Whisper and I really like it because you can post your secrets anonymously. Of course, there's peeps who are looking for hookups but there are also a majority of those who have secrets to tell. And so I made an account that is surprisingly not my original username and I started posting stuff that I'm just to afraid to mention in regular sites like these. For some reason, I have a hard time admitting them to myself. And for some reason admitting it on that app has a much better satisfaction...

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Why do you keep coming back?!

It does me no good...

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Breakdown

I'm useless
I'm helpless
I'm friendless
I'm pointless
I'm a disappointment
I'm hideous
I'm unloved
I'm weak
I'm lonely
I'm negative
I'm worthless
I'm ugly
I'm expendable

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I'm sensitive to certain topics

Going to make it short.
Dad,sis, and me went to pick up my mom from the airport.
I was really happy to see her.
Once on the ride back home we started conversing.
The subject on our recent exercising was brought up.
Mom basically said I still looked fat...
She was trying to make a joke out of it but it still hurt. I tried so hard not to cry.
And finally when I thought it was over, the mention of me breaking the running machine was brought up as well.
Once again my weight problem came back.
It became so hard to hold back the tears.
When we came back home I was forced to eat something since I didn't eat anything today.
I wasn't hungry and now I just don't want to eat anymore....
Now everyone went to bed and I can finally cry myself to sleep...

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Is it just me?

I feel like I made it difficult. It could've been so simple, but I just made it hard. It's hard to forget that sort of thing and replace it with another belief. I tried, or so I tell myself, to do better. There were moments when I just wanted to ignore them and yet I couldn't. They consumed my every thoughts. I really wanted it to work but it didn't. No matter what it will never work for me. Everything ends. Happiness with the same isn't allowed in my world..my mind...my being. In fact happiness isn't meant for me....

Night time is honesty time

I shouldn't ever converse during the night, I become an open book. For some this might seem like a good thing but to me it's just a bad thing. Once I start talking about my feelings, it's hard to shut me up. And once those feelings are out I might do something incredibly dumb that I will then regret in the morning. Although the night brings out the real person I wish to be, it also brings out the fears of what it could be...

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Anderson

It's been awhile since I skyped with my close friend, Anderson. It's funny how every time I txt him about wanting to Skype I hesitate because I'm unsure of what we are going to talk about....and yet when we start talking we some how manage to keep the conversation flowing. It makes me really happy being able to talk openly with him. I'm actually comfortable with where our conversations go...and yet why is it so hard to tell him about some specific stuff? There are specific stuff I really want to talk to him about... one was about my self harm problem and the other was about the girl I had(ve) mix feelings on... so many chances I had tonight to bring it up. I was so freaking close to just blurring it out and yet I didn't. I held my tongue. I know I can count on him, so why is it that I hold back on these 2 (and other) subjects?
I guess you could say I'm afraid that he would look at me differently or maybe I'm afraid that he will feel betrayed because I wasn't able to trust him....
I don't know...I just know that I REALLY want to tell him but at the same time I'm scared to do it.

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Can't help hating my body

Just recently I started working out. I started jogging/walking on our machine and then I would do some small workouts for my arms and then I would do insanity with my sis. I wasn't planning on working out during summer break. It wasn't until I kept looking at one of my recent pics I took of me wearing a sleeveless shirt and then comparing It to other people's pics. I knew I shouldn't have done that because all it was lower my self esteem even more, yet I decided to do it. And of course I didn't like how I look. The day I went to the beach wearing a sleeveless shirt for the first time was a big step for me. I NEVER wear them in public. It's too embarrassing since my shoulders/ arms are hideously big. Well during that beach day I was panicking, I always thought someone was judging me even though they weren't. In the end I managed to spend the day happy. I forgot about my arms and I even let my sis take pics of me. Well the high for that day passed and soon my insecurities hit me back hard. And so now I continue to stare at my body/looks and I just can't help being disgusted with my own skin. I can't help wondering why I was born like this. And so I finally decided to start working out, hoping that one day I would look better and wear the clothes I always wanted to wear without feeling ugly. I know I shouldn't care about how I look but I just do....

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I shouldn't be annoyed but for some reason I am....

So I'm talking to Adrian and out of nowhere he bursts out that he liked me during freshman yr and then he says night. I literally got stuck when I saw that mssg. First off I want to say I didn't feel all happy when I heard that, actually it got me annoyed. I got annoyed because if he "supposedly" did have like or had a crush on me why didn't he say anything back then? And how was he sure he liked me if we never really talked or hanged out? why did he decide to tell me this now? Now, that we just occasionally txt each other whenever we are bored. OH AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE DIDN'T EVEN MEET FRESHMAN YEAR. I may have bad memory but I know for a fact it wasn't freshman year because freshman year was when my bestie was still attending EHS...it wasn't until she left that I met you.
So either you really have bad memory as well or your just looking for someone to sweet talk you because you just feel lonely.
Ugh, I don't know why I'm so annoyed by this. I should be happy since I never had a guy tell me this but I'm not. I feel like he doesn't mean it. When people feel lonely they want to feel something with someone else
I completely understand that... I've done that so many times... and yet although I understand it it still bothers me knowing that a guy who's never actually met me says that he liked me. How can you like someone you don't know? Actually I guess what's bothering me is the fact that a guy could like Me...

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Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

Miserable

Is this seriously how my life is going to be?
If it is then what's the point of continuing?
Really, what is the point?

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Rereading posts

I have a habit of reading my older posts and gosh I don't get why I do it. It doesn't help at all. I start having these feelings again, that won't get me anywhere either way. So all I'm doing is causing trouble for myself. ...ugh

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Still selfish

I'm such a selfish human being. I keep saying that because it's honestly true. I am a very selfish person. Even when I know I'm being selfish I try to cover it up with a lie from others and myself, hoping that by being in denial it will make the lie come true.

The reason why I brought this up was because just a awhile ago I picked up the razor. I was going to hurt myself just because I wanted too. Whenever I cut myself I'm not doing it because I'm feeling down. It's because I just have nothing better to do or just cause I want to see all the little marks left on my skin. All those high school years I told myself and others that I just couldn't take it anymore and that the reason I cut was because I was emotional, not in my right mind....but the fact was that I was in my right mind. I knew I had no reasons to hurt myself, but I still did it because I wanted it badly. And ever since I first tried it, it became an addiction. I was selfish during those moments. Sure I felt guilt for hurting myself and for affecting those around me....but even so I still decided to do it. Just so I can satisfy this hunger I had.
And so tonight, as I held the razor, I started thinking about how selfish I was through out those times and other moments that didn't relate to self harm.
I literally stayed up for an hour just scraping the dead skin around my fingers and thinking of my forms of selfishness...
After I got all those thoughts out of my head, I wanted to slice into my skin so badly. I still do, but after giving it into consideration I decided not to. I guess the guilt over took me....for now...

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Art buddies only...

     2yrs in college and it still hasn't gotten better. I haven't been doing great in school nor have I made friends or gone out to events in the community.
     I was lucky to meet these 3 awesome chicks in art this semester. My art sessions were the only  days I looked forward to going, not because I got to paint but mainly because I finally was able to laugh and talk freely with these peeps. Those moments together were wonderful, I felt truly happy, I felt like I had friends who liked me for me.....but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up... the last day of art class and 2 of them left without saying goodbye and the other one basically said we probably won't see each other next semester...
I knew that we weren't friends, that's why I would only refer them as art buddies instead. I knew that I shouldn't get attach with them, because in the end I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere....and though i thought I was prepared....
I wasn't it...
It still hurt me in the end knowing that they wouldn't miss me as much as I would miss them.....

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Stressed

I'm so nervous that I'm starting to stress out. I'm tired but at the same time I can't fall asleep because of these worrisome thoughts. I feel bile rising from the pit of my stomach, I don't know what to do to calm myself  down. Am I over reacting?

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