This isn't Goodbye

 I always pictured myself writing this in my head. I always reversed the words I would write down, the reasoning behind my actions and how I could lessen the pain on you, my loved ones. I realized that no amount of words will lessen the pain. 

All I can say is that I'm sorry. I wish I couldve been stronger for you. I know for a fact that you all loved me. Don't think about what you couldve done and don't blame yourselves. It was never your guys fault, I chose this path. I made these selfish decisions. I wish their was a way my actions wouldnt hurt you. I know I couldve gotten help....but I didnt, I chose that, and for that I am sorry. I had the best life I couldve ever asked for, you guys gave me everything. Thank you for being my family and friends. Thank you for sticking with me in the good and bad times. And if we ever fought, those were just heated moments with no importance. Think of the good times we always had. 

And know that although I'm not physically here, I will always be by your side.

This isnt goodbye but more of a see you later. 

I love you Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, my nieces, my friends 

And everyone else who was a part of my life, thank you. 

Elizabeth 

 

(Note: just a letter I always wanted to write to myself)

How much longer?

 It's been getting worse, my old habits are resurfacing. Reading isnt enough to keep the demons at bay. I cant do art, cant read, cant sleep, cant do anything. I'm feeling utterly hopeless again... the random crying fits are overwhelming....I feel so many emotions being shoved down my throat at an incredible speed. I feel too much and I hate it. My stomach becomes twisted from the fullness and I just want to throw up. I know it doesnt make sense but for me it literally feels like only a few pieces are holding me together.... I dont know how long I will last