What's so great about the new years?

Failing

So yesterday night, my botany professor decided to post our final grades.
I didn't want to check it out but I just had to obtain to know
And of course the result wasn't what I hoped...
Actually I don't even know why I thought I might have had a chance in passing. I mean all I'm good at is failing my classes. I don't even know why I bother anymore. I don't see me having any sort of future. All I see is more pain, and honestly I just want to end the pain with one swipe...
Or so I say...
Im sorry, I'm in a very dark place right now.
Failing my science course once again reopened the fresh wounds that hadn't healed yet...

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Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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The future is scary.
I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I'm still to scared to go out in the world by my own.
I have no confidence in myself to become successful in life.
I feel like I can't do anything right.
And it scares me so much because the first solution I can think of is ending the problem before it gets worse.
That problem being me....

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

You were my first true friend. Before 8th grade I had people I thought were my friends, but they werent. It didn't matter to them when I left their group and that sucked....but then I realized it wasn't as bad because that's when I met you and J. I knew that in that point in time I met my true friends. I remember the times when we would call each other, and though half of the time we didn't know what to talk about we improvised with music. We would put our favorite songs on the phone and just listen to it together. And that was honestly wonderful.
And when A showed up, I remember being so jealous of her, because she knew you better than I did. I was afraid that you would leave me behind but you didnt. Soon I realized how great of a person my 'rival' was and I immediately hit it off with her.
We became quite  a group...
When middle school came to an end and high school began, I was sad to be separated from all of you guys. Mostly I felt our friendship starting to head in differ courses. With the meetings of new people in our lives I thought ours wouldn't make it...but it did. And along with that friendship, I started to feel something for you. Something that was new to me. You were my closest friend friend as well as my first constant crush. It was something strange but during those moments with you I really thought of you as something deeper...but then some time passed and I realized that It was just an obsession...though my crush for you left, my friendship for you never did. I still thought of you as the closest person in my life....
The reason I bring this up is because I miss us. I've been through so much with you, and now I feel like we no longer know each other. Sometimes I wonder if you remember me? Remember the close bond we use to have? Our friendship?
Do you miss it?
Because I do....

Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

Sometimes I want to cry for a friendship that is disappearing...

Grandma

We just got the news that my grandma passed away....
We knew their was a chance she wouldn't wake up but we kept hearing that she was getting better
And then all of suddenly she was gone...
Last weak wen I first heard she wasn't waking up I cried so much, and the feeling of sadness was still there throughout the days.
But as I heard that she was starting to show signs of movement I thought their was still a chance even after having a dream of her funeral (which I never told anybody in fear that it might come true)....either way it did come true.
And yet why aren't I crying?
Wen I heard the news I felt the impact of those words I really did
But I didn't cry like last time.
Why arnt I crying?
I want to cry just for the fact that I'm not crying for her loss
I do feel something
But I don't feel the tears...and that feels like I'm the worst granddaughter in the world.....

There are moments when I feel like I left my body and I'm just an observer from far away. It's strange because I look at the body I left behind and I don't feel anything at all
In a way the no feelings is quite peaceful...

Why must everyone disappear.....

Why do I do it too?

Why can't I be different?!
Why is it so hard for me to focus and grasp this information?!
Why is it so hard?!
Why must I give up so easily?
Why.....

Best friend

When it comes to having a best friend, I would consider my only friends my best friends. I wouldn't single out one individual really as the ONE best friend
Because in a way I always thought that with each friend I would be able to talk about  a specific topic more comfortably than what I would be able to do with the others...
But if I were to say who was my best friend I would probably have said the one girl who I probably shared the most to in my entire life. And although sometimes I would find myself uncomfortable with certain topics, somehow we still managed to get through. For some strange reason she listened to me and cared to know more about me even though I didn't understand why....and then I started feeling the same way, I always wanted to know more about her. See if she was okay, know her fears, and always try to make it better. I really see her as the closest of all my friends even with the distance and no communication. That doesn't matter to me, in the end she is a wonderful best friend.

Sick twisted mind

Moments like these, I really want run the blade over my bear arm...the only thing stopping from that is the fact that my sister would notice...the only way I can release is by staying in a smaller area...but even that isn't enough....

It's sad when

I always have to carry a blade with me...

I should disappear

There isn't anything left for me here. I no longer exsist. I should just make it official....

What is love?

I don't understand what it truly means to be in love. Their are moments when I wondered what it would feel like to be in love, would it feel nice? Would it hurt?
And then I ask myself was it love? Did I fall heads over heels or was it nothing?
Like is their guidelines one must follow? How do you determine you love someone? It's rather  confusing and I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.
I need to just shut up and leave

Why is this?!

Why must my mind keep replaying all those non exsistant possiblities?
Just stop!

Just realized that I started cutting in the beginning of 2010....so long ago...
I wish I could say I've changed into a better peep
But the reality is that although I don't do it as often and deep as I did before...I still tend to break my skin once in awhile...sigh

.

I want to talk
I can't seem to talk
I open my mouth
But no words will come out
I want to cry
But no tears will fall
I want to forget
But all the memories keep coming in
I want to be filled with hope
But the darkness is enclosing me
Soon I won't be nothing at all...

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I haven't cried recently. I don't give myself moments to do so...but just because I don't cry doesn't mean I stopped having my dark moments. Those are always there...sometimes I find myself wanting to write letters just in case... in case of what? I'm not sure...my mind wanders to dark places...places I wish I wouldn't go...

Why am i crying over this? Stupid!

I honestly thought I would have a friend
But it was just pity

One day ill end up killing myself

One day...

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What am up doing with my life?

I know I say this from time to time but seriously what am I doing? Nothing that's what. My life isn't going anywhere. I try to think positive but let's be honest here I'm not good at anything. In not good at being successful or just moving forward in life. I'm too much of a coward. And I will always be a coward until the day I die--whenever that will be. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying to do this, why I haven't given up already. How much longer am I going to hold on....

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What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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I'm so fucking depressed

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking clue! All I'm doing right now is making a deeper shit hole for myself.... I thought I would do better this year but I already feel myself giving up. I hate myself, I wish I wasn't like this...

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Been feeling depressed..I think I'm going to start sleeping early..

....

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Why can't I comfort a love one?

Tonight I heard my parents arguing. I don't know what they were talking about, at the time I was watching. Anime when I heard a commotion in the living room.     From what I picked up it started about religion and then my mom was telling my dad how he wouldn't let her voice her thoughts without being put down by him. Which then continued with him interrupting her and basically telling her she was wrong. And after that I think my mom brought up an event in the past where she felt sad how my dad was able to confide with another lady rather than his wife. Who was this lady?       I'm not sure,,, in the end the argument escalated after that and my dad told mom that if she wanted to argue then they can do it in the bedroom. He then left to his room.
After that I tried to go back to my anime. My parents tend to fight more than half the time. So I figured this was another one of those moments...
  As I watched a third episode of my anime, I thought I heard sniffling noises. I turned off my volume and listened to my mom washing dishes and crying.
  At this point I new it was bad, and I had no Damon clue what to do.
  I knew that if I went up to her and insisted what was wrong she would cry even more and still not tell me what was happening.
  So I (shamelessly) left her be hoping that would be okay. I couldn't go back to my anime, I couldn't ignore her pain.
    So I just held on to froggy and hoped everything would be okay.
    I was mad that I couldn't even comfort my own mom. I hate how I didn't know what to do to make her feel better...usually my bro knew but he's no longer here....
And so it became darker 11 pm, and sis comes to my room telling me that mom was outside with the dogs just sitting in a chair in the corner and that dad got out of his room and turned the porch light off on her.
  I'm hoping that he didn't do this on purpose and genuinely didn't see her outside...because if he did...that's just low of him....
  And so finally I took the courage to go talk to her.
She was just sitting outside wrapped in a towel while sniffling.
    I asked her what she was doing.. and she said "I'm sleeping with the dogs like I'm suppose to"
   I asked her what was wrong but she didn't say... so instead of pushing I just stayed with her and played with the dogs.. getting her distracted
    In the end she came back inside but now she didn't want to sleep in my bed or my sis bed or the couch instead she slept in bros storage room on the ground.
   I tried to make her come to my room but she wouldn't budge so not knowing what else to do I told her that froggy was going to sleep with her.
   She wouldn't take him at first saying he would scare her at night but I persisted and it finally paid off.
  I know I should've done more and froggy doesn't seem as Much...but to me he's been there through my worst times...and although the pain never goes away forever, froggy (for me) tends to ease the pain a little.
I'm hoping that she can find a little comfort with him then me... and yes it is weird sleeping without froggy, actually it's scary...but for tonight I can manage being completely alone. For tonight mom needs him the most....

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Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

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Not a worthy friend...

My friends grandpa died last Thursday, I didn't find out till Saturday because that's when I finally txt him back about a book he lend me. And ever since he told me I haven't really talked to him as much or asked how's he's doing. He told me his family was getting together for a week to honor his grandfather, so I understand that right now he's busy and can't talk as much. Although when he does reply, I don't know what to say. From his texts he doesn't seem as upset but yet again texts are usually not concrete forms of evidence on how a person feels. I've been meaning to ask him if he truly is okay but I don't know how to bring it up. Honestly I don't know what I should do. I feel like I should be more focused about this rather than enjoying my books or other current pleasures of mine. I feel like such a bad friend for not being their for him...this sucks...I suck..

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I always feel lonely

Just had another breakdown...I guess the emptiness of the house got to me...

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Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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Late night noise

I keep hearing this helpless dog noise and it freaked me out because it sounded so close. I was afraid it could be my dogs. I tried to ignore it but this feeling of dread I had wouldn't leave me alone. So I got up and checked and luckily my dogs were okay...but even so I felt a little nauseated afterwards thinking about it...

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I cry over everything

So bro came over and helped me take the dogs a shower (which also turned to a water war bt us). And later on I decided to take pixie for a walk, knowing that bro would tag along...but in the end it was too hot outside and bro decided to leave. And I decided to go cry in my room. I tried not to but knowing that I have no one who would want to just take a walk around my block later or just chill outside freaking sucks. It makes me cry... how stupid of me.

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:)

Today I got a sudden txt from my friend saying if I wanted to hangout on Wed. It made me sooooo happy. Like you don't know how much. I don't get many texts like these (none really), so just this one made me almost cry for joy. It makes me feel like I actually matter in this life...

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My heart is thumping to fast...

Like it knows I'm going to do something stupid...

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Telenovela

I started watching La fea mas Bella again. I've watched it so many times. It's my favorite novella of all time because I feel like I could relate to some stuff. And so I started watching it and I ended up crying in all the beginning episodes. I don't know why....but it hit home...

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Drama

who would've thought I would have family drama. I mean I knew it was possible since it happens a lot within families but for some reason I just didn't think it would happen in my family. Not because I saw my family as perfect--on the contrary we are far from it--but I guess you could say It never really crossed my mind. In the end everyone has a sort of family drama and it's just the worst. My bro and sis have been fighting for quite some time now. It started off with my brothers girlfriend-->to how much he changed-->to suddenly moving out-->and then finally sis car problem. In no means am I trying to say it's his faults, I'm just trying to show the reasons why my sister started hating our brother. And I do mean hate, before today I was hoping they would reconcile and become close like they use to be...but it was a hopeless wish. After today I realized how much they detest each other. And honestly it gets me really sad. I won't go into details of what happened today because just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. Let me just tell you that it wasn't pretty. There was a lot of shouts, cussing, hitting doors, throwing stuff, threats, and almost close to someone getting hit. When this was happening I was in my room trying not listen to it. Listening to this was utter hell. As in it made me start crying. I don't like seeing my family arguing and going against each other. I hate how much hate they have one another. I can't say anything without the fear of being placed on someone's side. Im even fearing that something bad will happen. They have threaten each other and from what happened today, I feel like it might become true. I'm honestly scared of those two....and very sad...I told my sister that he was our only brother. I told her what would she do if I were to die before them? I told her that if my parents were gone as well that's really her only family left. She cannot hate him forever....but sadly she is determine to.....

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great 4th of July is getting closer.....not looking forward to it...

Lately i've been feeling under the weather; i've gotten lazier, my energy is literally no where up to speed. There are moments when I want to do something like paint, draw, or write...but just as soon as I get excited t my little energy leaves me and once again im faced with utter tiredness and depression. All I want to do is lay somewhere and either stare at something without thinking or just sleep. I hate this feeling. I wish I had friends I could hang out with. I'm tired of being lonely and not experiencing the fun of the outside world with other people...I just don't want to be tired anymore....

Tearful night

I asked my mom for some sleeping medicine. She gave me some and I was hoping to instantly fall asleep before my thoughts kicked in...but it was hopeless. The thoughts came back fool force. I feel like I have another voice feeling me these negative stuff. Instead of sleeping I'm crying now because all I can think about is my death. How my life is worth nothing. How everything I did to this point is absolutely valueless. How easily expendable I can be...and although I hate the fact that many will cry, I will soon be forgotten like when I was living. And I think that makes me sad the most.

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It's funny

I haven't talked to An this week, well technically he hasn't replied back. He's been busy with chem work and I just didn't want to disturb him so I decided not bother him. And yet I miss him. It's funny how one of my last posts I talked about ignoring people. I completely failed on that part. I can't ignore them forever because I end up missing them. I bet this is karma at its finest...it sucks. He's the only friend that talks to me, I can't let this friendship fade. I just can't. Without him I would definitely feel like I have no one...

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Trying to sleep earlier but it's near impossible

Like always my thoughts are all over the place. My head feels like it's about to explode, literally. I'm starting to have a major headache and tossing & turning won't help one bit. As well I'm having this feeling of wanting to kiss someone and just cuddle. Am I the only one who gets these random feelings? Don't tell my I'm sexually frustrated -__-
That would be too funny.
Any who I don't know why I started feeling this way, maybe my thoughts taking me to places that don't exists?
I'm even feeling the need to bite someone...it's been a very long time since I did that...
Oh great....what has become of me...
Well I shouldn't be surprised right self?
Ugh!! Liz go to sleep!!

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Dream of mine

I had this very nice dream...I'm not really going to talk about it because if I do it's only going to trouble me further...and I told myself I was going to stop with this. But overall I loved my dream. It felt so real and I was so happy. Even though I kept it hidden in my dream as how I did in reality, I was much at ease there about it then I was here. Sadly I woke up and was quite disappointed. Oh well back to reality.

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Once you start it's hard to stop

My addiction problem.

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Suddenly....

My mood shifts every second...I can never stay in one mood...earlier I was talking about my obsession over yaoi...and just now I was about to go to bed...but before doing that I decided to go online to my other accounts (which I Know I shouldn't do) and then my thoughts started to consume me....now the thought calmed a bit but now my problem is that I kept pacing back and forth thinking about where I can find a blade...and then I realized my art class made us by a blade--which we never used... so now in getting "itchy". I really want to go get one and get it over with....but my other self is against it...ugh...so for now I just decided to drown a cup of vodka hoping ill forgot about the blades...didn't help really...since I can't get carry away and also because I hate the taste..ha.....

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Obsessed with manga...again

So during my summer break I was suppose to be doing other things...instead I started obsessing over anime again. Aha!
I haven't done this for awhile now so I guess I'm catching up for all the other times I couldn't enjoy a good anime.
So just recently I've been reading yaoi again. Yaoi is basically boy love manga. What's funny though is that at first I didn't understand why their had to be so many sex scenes, but then I started thinking and decided to look up the definition for yaoi. I found out that it was basically sexual relationships between male characters.
It all made sense.
AhA!
Well at least I know now, anyways I still love reading yaoi. I got used to the scenes and I just get to obsess over the lovey dovey of these lovers! It's so cute!!

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I make no sense...

I haven't talked to anyone these last days... not even to the only friend I do tend to talk to....I'm not always sad... but for some reason this feeling is always there whenever I'm having an okay day. The feeling of not having anyone...so I guess that what I'm trying to do now...make this thought into a reality...

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I started painting again...

Hopefully It'll take away my stress...

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Curiosity killed the cat

I really want to try out weed
I want to see how it feels like to get high
From what I've seen from these people it seems like fun.
So many times they offered, so many times I denied them just because my sister was there.
I know it's bad but I really am tempted to try it...as well as I'm tempted to getting drunk again...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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Nagging voice

I keep thinking that I have no one. A voice inside my head keeps telling me that I can let go. That I have no one to hold me back therefore I should just get it over with. I know I shouldn't listen to that dark voice but sometimes it just feels like it's telling me the truth...

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Need to stop...not healthy

I need to stop this nonsense! I shouldn't be feeling this! Not anymore! I need to stop thinking of the past and live in the now. I decided to go down this road so I need to ably by it. Going back to memory lane doesn't help, it only hurts. It makes me regret things which I guess I shouldn't since I would do the same thing all over again. Maybe in another life everything would've been different. I would've been different...but that just a fantasy, sadly, this is reality. I'm sorry, I shouldn't make anymore harder... *sigh*
Never thought I would be in this position...

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Shadows

Their there. Next to me. Across from me. Over me. Under me. Around me. In the end their always there. Even If I can’t see them I can feel them. I can feel their dark eyes on me, their slithery long pointy claws on my body. No matter how many times I try putting the blankets over my head, their still there. Waiting to scare me even further….

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Needy O.P

Sometimes i wish that someone would acknowledge me. That one day i would at least cross their mind and that they have the interest in knowing how im doing….what i dont what is that they feel the need to talk to me just because i started the convo. and they just dont want to be rude in telling me off. I want someone to just come up to me or just randomly msg me with a 'hey, its been awhile, i miss ya peep, what's been up?' I want them to actually have an interest me and be like 'wow she's a real cool peep'….i dont know what im saying… im not making sense… but i seriously been feeling down lately and i guess i want to know that i have someone their for me, ya know? … i just dont want to be alone anymore… :/

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2 years ago O.P (older post)

im feeling rather strange tonight.

it feels like a good strange. I feel actually happy. I feel hyper. I feel like doing anything crazy right about now….but also theirs this other ‘strange’ feeling bothering me somewhat…i can feel it there. Just behind the ‘Happy feeling’. It wants to suck me in to its negativity..and somewhat im afraid of falling back in…ima try hard not to.

_____________________________________________________
Can you guess what happened? That's right I fell back...

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most significant people in my life

I posted this awhile back on my tumblr. I felt posting it on here to have easier access to it whenever I decided to re-read my notes... I think I'm going to do that. Posting all my older notes from tumblr on here. Not all but some...
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In all honesty I can’t name only 2 people, it all comes down to my family and friends; I consider them all significant in my life.

They are the reason why I held on for so long…and although I don’t talk to them as much (i guess i’m not much of a talker) I still think about them everyday and know that they will be there for me whenever I need it….

A breakdown:

Mom: is the kindest person you’ll ever meet. She has her viewpoints on certain matters and we usually end up bumping heads or get into a heated argument about it but golly…do I love her. How can I not love her? She raised me into the person I am today. Sure I may be a little bit messed up but that’s not her fault, that’s mine. She did everything she could to make me a good human being; which I have to say she was very successful. I love her so much and I miss her as well. Every time I go home I always end up making funny faces at her just so she can laugh. I love making her laugh because then it makes me feel like I am a good enough daughter. Seeing her laugh makes me not want to disappear. I never ever want to see her cry, that’s why I have to keep moving forward…

Dad: a very religious father figure, where at times I really get annoyed by it. But I know that he loves me and is trying to teach me the good ways in life. It’s not often that we bond together, in fact when we do it can sometimes start awkward, and he can even be scary. Even my friends say he looks scary, but he isn’t. He puts up this hard exterior but if you dig deep enough you’ll find this childish man. An adorable one too. And no matter what my current mood might be with him, I will always love him.

Bro: he doesn’t know it but ever since I was a kid he’s been my role model. Growing up he would be strict with me and act more like a father than a brother but that’s only because he was overprotective of his little sister…Anytime he made me cry he would end up apologizing and trying to make me laugh. Even if I was really mad at him he would always find a way to make it up for me. He is a great person, even if he doesn’t think so he is. Sure he might have his problems but everyone does. That doesn’t mean I will love him any less.

Sis: we are complete opposites. She’s the “girlie girl” and I’m the ‘tomboy’. We would mainly fight growing up and wouldn’t get along as much (especially since we are six years apart)…but ever since we moved out here to college together, we’ve bonded so much. Sure we still fight from time to time but that’s normal, at least now we are able to rely on each other and confide in one another. Shoot, She even saved me from myself. If she were to never come here with me..I honestly wouldn’t have made it…. I am truly grateful that I have her in my life.

Guada: the first friend who I became close too. Before I ever met her, I use to hang out with what I use to call the “girlie girls”. I hang out with those girls from 2nd to the beginning of 8th grade. I always thought we were close, but we weren’t. We drifted apart and they never seemed to noticed…and it was sad but at the same time it was for the best, because if that were to never happen I would’ve never met this weirdo! This weirdo who showed me the true meaning of friendship. Everyday I thank God I met her. If it weren’t for her I would be in a different path and I sure as heck don’t think it would’ve been a good one. This girl is one of a kind and i’m lucky to have found her in my life.

Amanda: I remember I didn’t like her one bit *laughs* And that’s only because I was afraid she would take my close friend away from me. I was so dumb to think that…This girl is an insanely awesome person, I kid you not! I love the way she is, she’s so outgoing and is not afraid to speak her mind! I find it inspiring really! Her personality is just so contagious (I mean that in a good way). It’s hard to be in a bad mood when your around her. She is literally the life of the party and I just can’t see my life without her. She NEEDS to be in it! It’s a must!

Ritz: she’s something special. I met her in freshmen year but we honestly started hanging out more in sophomore year. At first i didn’t know how to feel about her, their were moments when i thought she was too hyper *chuckles(YEAH I SAID CHUCKLES)* but as I got to know her more and more it became hard to stay away from her. Throughout that time i learned that she is a lover and fighter. Her writing is incredible; so incredible that you will literally be mesmerized by the things she can write. Her words alone can make your heart warm up. She is truly an amazing girl, i was lucky to have shared a special moment (even if it was short, it meant a lot)with her in my life. A moment that I would never forget… I am truly blessed to have her friendship.

Anderson: What can I say about this dude other than he constantly blows up my cell and forces me to talk to him and its annoying as heck—Which only makes me love him more. We met in the last years of High School and instantly became close. He is honestly the closest guy friend I ever had in my entire life. The first time I hanged out with him I was literally so nervous about screwing it up but somehow we hit it off just fine! He is a great bud and I’m always able to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk about with others. He’s so positive and god does this boy know how to make you laugh. If you hang out with him there is NO WAY you cannot laugh! He is a big part in my life and we are probably going to get old together. After all he’s going to be my future husband aha! 
(Lmao kidz)

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Not my day

Today hasn't been great. I woke still feeling angry and sad. My mom came to my room asking if I wanted to go to the pulga. I told her no. She kept insisting and I just kept saying no,no,no. Then my sister said I had to wake up and go with them. She pulled my blanket off me and I screamed at her. They left me alone getting ready and once it was 1 o'clock they notice I wasn't getting up any time soon to eat. My mom kept asking what was wrong..at that point I didn't know what was wrong with me,  and I kept telling her nothing. Bro then came over and sat next to me on my bed. My back was to him and he as well knew something was wrong. He didn't ask like everybody else, instead he just talked randomly and tried to make me laugh...it was nice but at the same time It made me cry. So I cried so much and tried to hide it from him. I'm not sure if he noticed, if he did I'm glad he didn't mention it. That was the second time I accidentally cried for no reason in front of my bro. And no matter how much I tried to stop it became worse.
Then they left to the store. My eyes felt so tired and I didn't really felt like doing anything. I just walked around the house ate and then sat on the living room watching old movies. When they came back, I wasn't myself. I didn't really talk, just continued to stare at the tv. My family kept wondering what was wrong and I just didn't have an answer. And then I went back to my room and slept. I just barely woke up and I still feel like crying... and I still don't know why...

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.

It hurts hearing those words...but it only hurts because I know they are true....

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Rant

I hate the fact that my mom tries to make me feel guilty when I go out with friends. She starts saying how I'm always leaving her alone and spending the whole day out with others. Which is utter bull! I never go out! I don't have a social life at all! Is it wrong that now that I'm on summer break I want to spend it with my only few friends as much as possible before I have to go back to school and become misearable? Anyway it's not like I'm going out every freaking day! I don't get why she says these things, it hurts a lot to hear this as well as it angers me....and what hurts even more is that she doesn't trust my friend just because he's gay. Today I told her I was going over to his house and the first thing she did was gasp. She was horrified, and kept telling me not to go inside his house or room. Saying that he could do things to me. It pissed me off and I told her if he invites me to his room I will definitely go in. And she was literally mad! And finally when I came back, she was telling me how she was afraid I would marry him. And just to rally her up further I told she should be afraid because I will marry him. And then I sarcastically joked how I would have to keep an eye on him because he would probably cheat on me with a hot guy. My mom wasn't happy with my response and told me to stop saying such idiotic things.
Ha, if she only knew that her daughter liked a girl and even kissed 2 girls in her life. I'm pretty sure she would burst... *sigh*

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Whisper

I found this app called Whisper and I really like it because you can post your secrets anonymously. Of course, there's peeps who are looking for hookups but there are also a majority of those who have secrets to tell. And so I made an account that is surprisingly not my original username and I started posting stuff that I'm just to afraid to mention in regular sites like these. For some reason, I have a hard time admitting them to myself. And for some reason admitting it on that app has a much better satisfaction...

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Why do you keep coming back?!

It does me no good...

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Breakdown

I'm useless
I'm helpless
I'm friendless
I'm pointless
I'm a disappointment
I'm hideous
I'm unloved
I'm weak
I'm lonely
I'm negative
I'm worthless
I'm ugly
I'm expendable

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I'm sensitive to certain topics

Going to make it short.
Dad,sis, and me went to pick up my mom from the airport.
I was really happy to see her.
Once on the ride back home we started conversing.
The subject on our recent exercising was brought up.
Mom basically said I still looked fat...
She was trying to make a joke out of it but it still hurt. I tried so hard not to cry.
And finally when I thought it was over, the mention of me breaking the running machine was brought up as well.
Once again my weight problem came back.
It became so hard to hold back the tears.
When we came back home I was forced to eat something since I didn't eat anything today.
I wasn't hungry and now I just don't want to eat anymore....
Now everyone went to bed and I can finally cry myself to sleep...

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Is it just me?

I feel like I made it difficult. It could've been so simple, but I just made it hard. It's hard to forget that sort of thing and replace it with another belief. I tried, or so I tell myself, to do better. There were moments when I just wanted to ignore them and yet I couldn't. They consumed my every thoughts. I really wanted it to work but it didn't. No matter what it will never work for me. Everything ends. Happiness with the same isn't allowed in my world..my mind...my being. In fact happiness isn't meant for me....

Night time is honesty time

I shouldn't ever converse during the night, I become an open book. For some this might seem like a good thing but to me it's just a bad thing. Once I start talking about my feelings, it's hard to shut me up. And once those feelings are out I might do something incredibly dumb that I will then regret in the morning. Although the night brings out the real person I wish to be, it also brings out the fears of what it could be...

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Anderson

It's been awhile since I skyped with my close friend, Anderson. It's funny how every time I txt him about wanting to Skype I hesitate because I'm unsure of what we are going to talk about....and yet when we start talking we some how manage to keep the conversation flowing. It makes me really happy being able to talk openly with him. I'm actually comfortable with where our conversations go...and yet why is it so hard to tell him about some specific stuff? There are specific stuff I really want to talk to him about... one was about my self harm problem and the other was about the girl I had(ve) mix feelings on... so many chances I had tonight to bring it up. I was so freaking close to just blurring it out and yet I didn't. I held my tongue. I know I can count on him, so why is it that I hold back on these 2 (and other) subjects?
I guess you could say I'm afraid that he would look at me differently or maybe I'm afraid that he will feel betrayed because I wasn't able to trust him....
I don't know...I just know that I REALLY want to tell him but at the same time I'm scared to do it.

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Can't help hating my body

Just recently I started working out. I started jogging/walking on our machine and then I would do some small workouts for my arms and then I would do insanity with my sis. I wasn't planning on working out during summer break. It wasn't until I kept looking at one of my recent pics I took of me wearing a sleeveless shirt and then comparing It to other people's pics. I knew I shouldn't have done that because all it was lower my self esteem even more, yet I decided to do it. And of course I didn't like how I look. The day I went to the beach wearing a sleeveless shirt for the first time was a big step for me. I NEVER wear them in public. It's too embarrassing since my shoulders/ arms are hideously big. Well during that beach day I was panicking, I always thought someone was judging me even though they weren't. In the end I managed to spend the day happy. I forgot about my arms and I even let my sis take pics of me. Well the high for that day passed and soon my insecurities hit me back hard. And so now I continue to stare at my body/looks and I just can't help being disgusted with my own skin. I can't help wondering why I was born like this. And so I finally decided to start working out, hoping that one day I would look better and wear the clothes I always wanted to wear without feeling ugly. I know I shouldn't care about how I look but I just do....

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I shouldn't be annoyed but for some reason I am....

So I'm talking to Adrian and out of nowhere he bursts out that he liked me during freshman yr and then he says night. I literally got stuck when I saw that mssg. First off I want to say I didn't feel all happy when I heard that, actually it got me annoyed. I got annoyed because if he "supposedly" did have like or had a crush on me why didn't he say anything back then? And how was he sure he liked me if we never really talked or hanged out? why did he decide to tell me this now? Now, that we just occasionally txt each other whenever we are bored. OH AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE DIDN'T EVEN MEET FRESHMAN YEAR. I may have bad memory but I know for a fact it wasn't freshman year because freshman year was when my bestie was still attending EHS...it wasn't until she left that I met you.
So either you really have bad memory as well or your just looking for someone to sweet talk you because you just feel lonely.
Ugh, I don't know why I'm so annoyed by this. I should be happy since I never had a guy tell me this but I'm not. I feel like he doesn't mean it. When people feel lonely they want to feel something with someone else
I completely understand that... I've done that so many times... and yet although I understand it it still bothers me knowing that a guy who's never actually met me says that he liked me. How can you like someone you don't know? Actually I guess what's bothering me is the fact that a guy could like Me...

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Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

Miserable

Is this seriously how my life is going to be?
If it is then what's the point of continuing?
Really, what is the point?

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Rereading posts

I have a habit of reading my older posts and gosh I don't get why I do it. It doesn't help at all. I start having these feelings again, that won't get me anywhere either way. So all I'm doing is causing trouble for myself. ...ugh

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Still selfish

I'm such a selfish human being. I keep saying that because it's honestly true. I am a very selfish person. Even when I know I'm being selfish I try to cover it up with a lie from others and myself, hoping that by being in denial it will make the lie come true.

The reason why I brought this up was because just a awhile ago I picked up the razor. I was going to hurt myself just because I wanted too. Whenever I cut myself I'm not doing it because I'm feeling down. It's because I just have nothing better to do or just cause I want to see all the little marks left on my skin. All those high school years I told myself and others that I just couldn't take it anymore and that the reason I cut was because I was emotional, not in my right mind....but the fact was that I was in my right mind. I knew I had no reasons to hurt myself, but I still did it because I wanted it badly. And ever since I first tried it, it became an addiction. I was selfish during those moments. Sure I felt guilt for hurting myself and for affecting those around me....but even so I still decided to do it. Just so I can satisfy this hunger I had.
And so tonight, as I held the razor, I started thinking about how selfish I was through out those times and other moments that didn't relate to self harm.
I literally stayed up for an hour just scraping the dead skin around my fingers and thinking of my forms of selfishness...
After I got all those thoughts out of my head, I wanted to slice into my skin so badly. I still do, but after giving it into consideration I decided not to. I guess the guilt over took me....for now...

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Art buddies only...

     2yrs in college and it still hasn't gotten better. I haven't been doing great in school nor have I made friends or gone out to events in the community.
     I was lucky to meet these 3 awesome chicks in art this semester. My art sessions were the only  days I looked forward to going, not because I got to paint but mainly because I finally was able to laugh and talk freely with these peeps. Those moments together were wonderful, I felt truly happy, I felt like I had friends who liked me for me.....but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up... the last day of art class and 2 of them left without saying goodbye and the other one basically said we probably won't see each other next semester...
I knew that we weren't friends, that's why I would only refer them as art buddies instead. I knew that I shouldn't get attach with them, because in the end I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere....and though i thought I was prepared....
I wasn't it...
It still hurt me in the end knowing that they wouldn't miss me as much as I would miss them.....

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Stressed

I'm so nervous that I'm starting to stress out. I'm tired but at the same time I can't fall asleep because of these worrisome thoughts. I feel bile rising from the pit of my stomach, I don't know what to do to calm myself  down. Am I over reacting?

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My everything

I don't think peeps understand how much I miss them. How can I not miss them? They are the only ones who make me feel like I actually have a reason in living. They are my everything. Without them I wouldn't be here....

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Bad habits that should've stayed dead

I forgot how addictive this could be, I have to constantly keep reminding myself to stop before it gets out of hand

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Words

Theirs this girl in my class that I'm (strangely) attracted to. I say strangely because I don't usually get this feeling. She isn't cute, well maybe she is pretty, but she seems like a tough person. Which is not the reason why I'm attracted to her. I think it's the way she talks and makes her voice be heard. It's something about the way she talks that makes me attracted to her. It's weird...

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The pain Is always fresh

I still think about her. The memories never leave my mind, for which I'm glad....although every time I start thinking about her I truly start believing that she is okay. And yet every time I have to remind myself that she is gone. It never truly gets better, the pain is always there. It doesn't feel like months have passed, it honestly feels like just yesterday I held her for the last time........I really do miss her....

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"No homo"

I hate that phrase. I really do.
I hate the fact that I use to say that when I was younger. Ever since I came to this school, my mind has open up to different ideas;better ones. And now every time I hear someone say phrases like this one it gets me very annoyed.
So I'm like talking to the Adrian dude and he's cool and all. And I brought up some cool peeps that I liked and he did too, but when he addressed a male he would insert "no home".
I guess you could say I'm exaggerating but it really got me irritated. So I decided to bring up a female and say hot smoking hot she was. I don't know what
I was trying to accomplish but I just felt like saying it.

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I fell back to my old habits

My emotions were all over the place, and I just wanted to feel worse. So I didn't think about it and just did it. I'm not blaming my sister, yes I am angry at her but I'm mainly angry at myself. I blame myself, no one else.

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Crying when your angry is the worst

....

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Feel like a stalker

I keep looking through their page, I don't understand why I keep doing this. I shouldn't be doing this. And yet I still do it because for some reason I want to know what's happening in their life. Or so I tell myself. Ugh I'm irritated with myself...

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Last post

So I think I judged to fast.... I was just impatient... I'm getting to giddy. I really need to stop, it's like I never talked to a boy...I'm such a dumb girl

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Chat on

So I don't usually turn on my chat on fb because I don't really like mssging peeps but I've decided to turn it on to some peeps---honestly so I could talk to someone specifically. He recently got an account and he added me and I use to talk to him on MySpace, yep it's that Adrian dude. So I turn on my chat hoping for him to mssg me ...and today he did. I was kind of excited...but sadly the convo isn't really going anywhere. It was a real bummer, I wasn't sure what I was hoping for, I guess I was a bit giddy at the only guy whoever said I was cute...so yep I'm dumb for over thinking. Bleh...

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Note

I shouldn't write during the night, I tend to say too much. I start writing about specific things that should stay in the past...and yet I still want to write about it even though I know i'm going to regret it in the morning...ugh, it's like I have two different personalities. One side is all yes for it and the other is a bloody disaster....

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Labels

I hate them. They shouldn't exist. I really think It would have helped my way of thinking more positively in life ...but because they are there they only contributed in making me feel worse...
Stupid labels...

Unreliable

Its disappointing that I can't attend my friends special day. I can't go to Ritz Baptist or Guada's 20th b-day...just because I live so fucking far. Ugh, I still hate myself about choosing this school. Nothing good has happened here, if I would've just stayed back home I wouldn't have wasted so much money or taken money from my parents (they barely have enough for themselves...) and I could've still had the company of my few friends....I could of even gone to these special events! But no, i had to choose this god awful place. Now i'm stuck here for awhile more and I've become an even more unreliable friend. Although I guess the unreliable part shouldn't be a surprise, I'm never there for my friends. I'm such a useless human being...

I really wanted to talk about this certain event I went to but once I started writing my energy left...so I just didn't bother...

I've seen this video called "first kiss"
Where they get 2 random peeps to kiss for the first time, and although they are really actors,  I very much still enjoyed it.
It was so sweet, although it made me feel kind of jealous.
I've only kissed one person in my life, 2 if you count when I was little, not that I didn't like it. I did...but it was only once..and that was the end of that.
Now I just feel kind of sad knowing I never really had any dating experience really. All because a)I'm self insecure /negative and b) I'm too shy

Dont listen to me

Every time someone asks me if I'm fine I always end up lying. I'm pretty sure many others do too. I really do want to tell peeps that I'm not okay, but then if I try to open up I end up getting emotional...and that is something I try not to do in front of my friends. No one needs to see my weakness....

sinking

I have this tight feeling in my chest. Nothing physically hurts but emotionally it does. This sinking feeling is consuming me, I absolutely hate this feeling. This feeling of panic/fear/sadness, all three combinesd. I don't usually get them, and when I do they are just the worst. I feel like I can't breath, like any minute now I'm going to pass out. I hate this, I really really hate it.
Please make it go away...

I don't know why I was hoping. I knew it wasn't going to come true...and yet I still hoped it to be....i'm a lousy human being...

Spring Break

    This spring break I was able to spend it with my close friends. I didn't think I would do anything this week, but apparently I did. I'm so happy that I did. Earlier in the week I got a surprise visit from Guada and Edgar, they took me along with them to the mall. I was really happy that they remembered about me. I wasn't expecting any visitors and having them show up made my day. Then the next day I went to Guada's house and hanged out there. I made sure to take a lot of pics with her since I realized we don't have many with us together; that was another awesome day. Then today I went  ice skating with my bud--which I hadn't seen for SO LONG. When we saw each other we squeezed the hell out of each other and took a long time to let go. It wasn't until that point that I realized how much I missed him. Then I was lucky enough to see another buddy (Amanda A.) and the 3 of us had super fun. I laughed, yelled, and squealed. I was so loud and so hyper! I felt like me. It felt good. So good that I even started talking to this french guy who kept messing with me  and my buds. When I say messing I mean teasing playfully. And I even talked to other random strangers and made friends with a 12 year old who taught me the basics of skating. Today was definitely a good day. Short but good. Tomorrow is going to be my last day here, and i'm going to spend it with my other close friend, Amanda B. In a way I'm nervous because I don't usually hang out with her by myself, we usually have someone else...and I feel like i'm going to be awkward, but I shouldn't feel like that since I known her for so long! So i'm going to be me and make the best of tomorrow. I'm sure its going to be another great day!
My mission to hang out with the majority of my besties is going to be accomplished. I just wish I could see my other friend, Ritz, before I left.Sadly, I won't be here when she gets back...that's a real bummer. I really wanted to see her...maybe next time.

im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

Horrible Night

Today I was forced to go to a party with my mom and sis. When I first got their I already hated it but it was at least bareable..but as the night progressed I started getting angry, then I started thinking all negative about peeps and me and after all those negativity/insecurities became too much I almost started crying in public. I never cry in public, so going through this emotional state was hard to control. I did it but whenever I went somewhere alone a tear would sneak out of my eye...it was a very long night...and wen I finally got home I just went outside and hanged out with the dogs just to take my mind off things. It helped a little...not a lot..but I guess dats something..

Dont think about it...

Ever since this week I've had this nightmare where it basically showed me something that will one day come true. I try not to think about it because the reality brings me to tears (like now as I write this). I need to be happy now, nothing will happen. There's still time to live happy....and yet I'm still having these horrible flashes of reality. I'm scared, please don't let it happen..

Don't think about it  

cant sleep again....

My head is just filled with so many thoughts, instead of an ex crush I'm having thoughts about my insecurities. Much worse....the negativity in my head is clouding up all the little positivity I had left. I can't find reason anymore...there is no worth in fighting....it will always win...I should just give up now and be done with it...

Couldn't sleep last night

For some reason I kept thinking about the past, particularly on my first girl crush...It was such a random thought, I was just remembering how I couldn't stop thinking about them and how I always wanted to be closer...and how I would make excuses just to be closer to her. It was a crazy moment for me, and I still don't know why I was so heads over heels over her. I wonder if I was exaggerating too much. I mean now i don't see her like that, but I still can't understand why I was attracted to her. That's why I couldn't fall asleep, I was relieving every moment I had with her and wondering why...i'm still not sure why.

I haven't written in awhile...there are moments when I really want to..but then at the same time I feel it hard to do....so instead I just lay in my bed and stare into space and drown in my own misery....I'm trying not to do that. I will try to write more often...

crying cuz i hate myself ,

It's becoming too much to handle....,

jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

kissy games

My friend and I had a conversation on the topics of spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven. I told him how growing up, i honestly wanted to do spin the bottle. For some reason older movies i watched usually had these game as a scene so i grew up thinking that this is what you might usually do in some sort of hang out. Or not, anyway! The point was that im curious and always i wanted to expierience it. My friend told me his expierience and came to the conclusion how we should do it one time with friends just to break the ice. LOL. I liked his idea and we literally talked about it for awhile...ahaha