Future Goodbye

Life is beautiful

I was not.

Early non-sense

Can't sleep.

Nothing new there.

I hate myself, I want to delete myself, I want to cry myself to sleep, I want to cut myself, I want to drown myself, I want to yell at myself, I want to hang myself, I want to slap myself, I want to break myself, I want to push myself onto on moving traffic, I want to drug myself, I want to disappoint myself, I want to not care for myself, I want to forget myself

I want to kill myself and let go of all these worries....


so easy to say than actually do...

A lot

• I finally have college friends
• Slept over at my friends place for the first time (although technically we ended up staying over at another friends place after having too much to drink)
• H was getting to close and personal when she was completely drunk, it was a very strange moment 
• The fun moments werent enough to stop me from relapsing 

Out of my mind

The urge to hurt myself has only become stronger. It's no longer just cutting, my mind goes to darker places. Places like swerving off the road, jumping out of the car, dropping hot water onto myself, stabbing myself, etc....even as I got buzzed tonight my thoughts only go to grabbing the blade....

I dont want a serious relationship with life or people. I just want to be free and try things things before the end comes

Non sense

I just drink so I can feel the high of hurting myself

Same story, same ending

I'm thinking about it again.

Thinking about killing myself.

These suicidal thoughts keep getting worse as time goes on. I thought that as the years passed by everything would get better. But why do I feel like it's getting much worse?

I cant help but think about ways to end it, ways to "run" away from reality.
Reading and art doesn't work anymore, even that has become 'tiring'

Scenarios play in my head of where I would go or what I would do to end this 'disease' that is myself.

I dont want to die, not because I'm afraid of death (although I am) but mainly because I'm scared that God would push me away.

While I'm not as religious as my parents and I get pretty annoyed whenever someone preaches to me (since I was strictly raised in a catholic setting). That doesn't mean that i dont believe in God. I do believe. I sometimes try to talk to God (in my own way). Not often since I'm always ashamed of showing my horrible self to God.

I'm afraid of being rejected. While I deserve it I'm still a tad hopeful.

And yet...here I am. Rather then trying to get better im accepting this darkness to feed off of me. Lately I noticed whenever I argue with my family, the words "I wont live that long anyway"or "i wont survive" keep slipping out of my mouth. While they dont take it seriously (which I'm glad they dont ask questions) each day I find myself believing my own words.

Because the truth is that I wont survive long.

One day I will snap. Till that day comes I will try to prolong it a lil longer...

I cant find myself to talk about my feelings with anyone. If I do, I feel like it would only make them negative or depressed as well ... i wish I had the energy in making myself better rather than accepting it and becoming worse

I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Somedays I feel like I'm literally going insane. My mind and body feel chaotic and unsure of how it should function. I feel a hot fire inside me that wants to be let out but cant find the exit. Its burning me alive and I hate every moment of it. I cant help but think of negative ways to release that uncomfortable burning sensation. I want to let go but at the same time I'm afraid to let go....

I finally gave in. Just 2 fine lines and still it feels like it's not enough...but for now I wont do anymore

Decisions, decisions

I really want to hurt myself, I finally took out the blade I had...but I just keep placing it against my skin without actually making the cut. I imagine how good it will feel, and I really just want to slash away lines into my arm.  But the small reasonable self is telling me no... and also how will I be able to hide it this time...unless... ugh...no

Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts.