Sad

Lately I've been trying to self sabotage. I dont know why I'm doing this to myself, but the feeling of wanting to break down and ruin myself has become strong. Crying is no longer an easy way out for me, I NEED to feel a new type of pain. Cutting and alcohol isnt taking this itch away...sometimes I wish I could just smoke...now I've been adding melatonin in the mix. A lil at a time....I dont know what I'm doing anymore....I just know that I dont want to feel like this anymore...