Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts. 

Lately i've been feeling under the weather; i've gotten lazier, my energy is literally no where up to speed. There are moments when I want to do something like paint, draw, or write...but just as soon as I get excited t my little energy leaves me and once again im faced with utter tiredness and depression. All I want to do is lay somewhere and either stare at something without thinking or just sleep. I hate this feeling. I wish I had friends I could hang out with. I'm tired of being lonely and not experiencing the fun of the outside world with other people...I just don't want to be tired anymore....