sinking

I have this tight feeling in my chest. Nothing physically hurts but emotionally it does. This sinking feeling is consuming me, I absolutely hate this feeling. This feeling of panic/fear/sadness, all three combinesd. I don't usually get them, and when I do they are just the worst. I feel like I can't breath, like any minute now I'm going to pass out. I hate this, I really really hate it.
Please make it go away...

I don't know why I was hoping. I knew it wasn't going to come true...and yet I still hoped it to be....i'm a lousy human being...

Spring Break

    This spring break I was able to spend it with my close friends. I didn't think I would do anything this week, but apparently I did. I'm so happy that I did. Earlier in the week I got a surprise visit from Guada and Edgar, they took me along with them to the mall. I was really happy that they remembered about me. I wasn't expecting any visitors and having them show up made my day. Then the next day I went to Guada's house and hanged out there. I made sure to take a lot of pics with her since I realized we don't have many with us together; that was another awesome day. Then today I went  ice skating with my bud--which I hadn't seen for SO LONG. When we saw each other we squeezed the hell out of each other and took a long time to let go. It wasn't until that point that I realized how much I missed him. Then I was lucky enough to see another buddy (Amanda A.) and the 3 of us had super fun. I laughed, yelled, and squealed. I was so loud and so hyper! I felt like me. It felt good. So good that I even started talking to this french guy who kept messing with me  and my buds. When I say messing I mean teasing playfully. And I even talked to other random strangers and made friends with a 12 year old who taught me the basics of skating. Today was definitely a good day. Short but good. Tomorrow is going to be my last day here, and i'm going to spend it with my other close friend, Amanda B. In a way I'm nervous because I don't usually hang out with her by myself, we usually have someone else...and I feel like i'm going to be awkward, but I shouldn't feel like that since I known her for so long! So i'm going to be me and make the best of tomorrow. I'm sure its going to be another great day!
My mission to hang out with the majority of my besties is going to be accomplished. I just wish I could see my other friend, Ritz, before I left.Sadly, I won't be here when she gets back...that's a real bummer. I really wanted to see her...maybe next time.

im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

Horrible Night

Today I was forced to go to a party with my mom and sis. When I first got their I already hated it but it was at least bareable..but as the night progressed I started getting angry, then I started thinking all negative about peeps and me and after all those negativity/insecurities became too much I almost started crying in public. I never cry in public, so going through this emotional state was hard to control. I did it but whenever I went somewhere alone a tear would sneak out of my eye...it was a very long night...and wen I finally got home I just went outside and hanged out with the dogs just to take my mind off things. It helped a little...not a lot..but I guess dats something..

Dont think about it...

Ever since this week I've had this nightmare where it basically showed me something that will one day come true. I try not to think about it because the reality brings me to tears (like now as I write this). I need to be happy now, nothing will happen. There's still time to live happy....and yet I'm still having these horrible flashes of reality. I'm scared, please don't let it happen..

Don't think about it  

cant sleep again....

My head is just filled with so many thoughts, instead of an ex crush I'm having thoughts about my insecurities. Much worse....the negativity in my head is clouding up all the little positivity I had left. I can't find reason anymore...there is no worth in fighting....it will always win...I should just give up now and be done with it...

Couldn't sleep last night

For some reason I kept thinking about the past, particularly on my first girl crush...It was such a random thought, I was just remembering how I couldn't stop thinking about them and how I always wanted to be closer...and how I would make excuses just to be closer to her. It was a crazy moment for me, and I still don't know why I was so heads over heels over her. I wonder if I was exaggerating too much. I mean now i don't see her like that, but I still can't understand why I was attracted to her. That's why I couldn't fall asleep, I was relieving every moment I had with her and wondering why...i'm still not sure why.