I havent written in awhile...I think I might start doing that...so much has happened..and its usually not good...i've been getting worse even when it doesn't look like it...

Miss

I've been feeling weird lately... not suicidal wise..i'm talking about friend wise. I've been missing my friends a lot, but truthfully i've been missing one particular friend more. We don't really talk a lot. I'm always talking with An. Once in awhile I txt her because I genuinely want to know how she is. We use to be very close in H.S and I guess I miss that (or so i keep telling myself). I'm always hoping that she'll txt me out of the blue so we can catch up. And when that doesnt happen (at times) I sometimes don't try to txt her because I feel like i'm a) annoying her or b) I'll hurt her. So I don't...but that doesnt mean i'm not thinking about her. I'm always hoping that she is having a better life than me. Always hoping that she's happy in life. Always hoping for the best for her. Because I know that she deserves that and much more....

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...