Early non-sense

Can't sleep.

Nothing new there.

I hate myself, I want to delete myself, I want to cry myself to sleep, I want to cut myself, I want to drown myself, I want to yell at myself, I want to hang myself, I want to slap myself, I want to break myself, I want to push myself onto on moving traffic, I want to drug myself, I want to disappoint myself, I want to not care for myself, I want to forget myself

I want to kill myself and let go of all these worries....


so easy to say than actually do...

A lot

• I finally have college friends
• Slept over at my friends place for the first time (although technically we ended up staying over at another friends place after having too much to drink)
• H was getting to close and personal when she was completely drunk, it was a very strange moment 
• The fun moments werent enough to stop me from relapsing 

Out of my mind

The urge to hurt myself has only become stronger. It's no longer just cutting, my mind goes to darker places. Places like swerving off the road, jumping out of the car, dropping hot water onto myself, stabbing myself, etc....even as I got buzzed tonight my thoughts only go to grabbing the blade....