I'm still the same  with many issues that IU hope one day  will leave me. I'm sorry for being this way. I wish I could change and be happy. I'm still the same  hopefully omw day it will get better...if nit  I hope to die quickly

Let me stay

This is why I didn't want to come back home so soon.
Because I then start crying for not being able to stay.
And I so badly want to just stay.
I don't want to be 6 hrs away.
I want to be home.
Why can't I stay...
Please let me stay...

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

You were my first true friend. Before 8th grade I had people I thought were my friends, but they werent. It didn't matter to them when I left their group and that sucked....but then I realized it wasn't as bad because that's when I met you and J. I knew that in that point in time I met my true friends. I remember the times when we would call each other, and though half of the time we didn't know what to talk about we improvised with music. We would put our favorite songs on the phone and just listen to it together. And that was honestly wonderful.
And when A showed up, I remember being so jealous of her, because she knew you better than I did. I was afraid that you would leave me behind but you didnt. Soon I realized how great of a person my 'rival' was and I immediately hit it off with her.
We became quite  a group...
When middle school came to an end and high school began, I was sad to be separated from all of you guys. Mostly I felt our friendship starting to head in differ courses. With the meetings of new people in our lives I thought ours wouldn't make it...but it did. And along with that friendship, I started to feel something for you. Something that was new to me. You were my closest friend friend as well as my first constant crush. It was something strange but during those moments with you I really thought of you as something deeper...but then some time passed and I realized that It was just an obsession...though my crush for you left, my friendship for you never did. I still thought of you as the closest person in my life....
The reason I bring this up is because I miss us. I've been through so much with you, and now I feel like we no longer know each other. Sometimes I wonder if you remember me? Remember the close bond we use to have? Our friendship?
Do you miss it?
Because I do....

Why must everyone disappear.....

Why do I do it too?

Why can't I be different?!
Why is it so hard for me to focus and grasp this information?!
Why is it so hard?!
Why must I give up so easily?
Why.....

One day ill end up killing myself

One day...

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What am up doing with my life?

I know I say this from time to time but seriously what am I doing? Nothing that's what. My life isn't going anywhere. I try to think positive but let's be honest here I'm not good at anything. In not good at being successful or just moving forward in life. I'm too much of a coward. And I will always be a coward until the day I die--whenever that will be. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying to do this, why I haven't given up already. How much longer am I going to hold on....

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What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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I'm so fucking depressed

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking clue! All I'm doing right now is making a deeper shit hole for myself.... I thought I would do better this year but I already feel myself giving up. I hate myself, I wish I wasn't like this...

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Why can't I comfort a love one?

Tonight I heard my parents arguing. I don't know what they were talking about, at the time I was watching. Anime when I heard a commotion in the living room.     From what I picked up it started about religion and then my mom was telling my dad how he wouldn't let her voice her thoughts without being put down by him. Which then continued with him interrupting her and basically telling her she was wrong. And after that I think my mom brought up an event in the past where she felt sad how my dad was able to confide with another lady rather than his wife. Who was this lady?       I'm not sure,,, in the end the argument escalated after that and my dad told mom that if she wanted to argue then they can do it in the bedroom. He then left to his room.
After that I tried to go back to my anime. My parents tend to fight more than half the time. So I figured this was another one of those moments...
  As I watched a third episode of my anime, I thought I heard sniffling noises. I turned off my volume and listened to my mom washing dishes and crying.
  At this point I new it was bad, and I had no Damon clue what to do.
  I knew that if I went up to her and insisted what was wrong she would cry even more and still not tell me what was happening.
  So I (shamelessly) left her be hoping that would be okay. I couldn't go back to my anime, I couldn't ignore her pain.
    So I just held on to froggy and hoped everything would be okay.
    I was mad that I couldn't even comfort my own mom. I hate how I didn't know what to do to make her feel better...usually my bro knew but he's no longer here....
And so it became darker 11 pm, and sis comes to my room telling me that mom was outside with the dogs just sitting in a chair in the corner and that dad got out of his room and turned the porch light off on her.
  I'm hoping that he didn't do this on purpose and genuinely didn't see her outside...because if he did...that's just low of him....
  And so finally I took the courage to go talk to her.
She was just sitting outside wrapped in a towel while sniffling.
    I asked her what she was doing.. and she said "I'm sleeping with the dogs like I'm suppose to"
   I asked her what was wrong but she didn't say... so instead of pushing I just stayed with her and played with the dogs.. getting her distracted
    In the end she came back inside but now she didn't want to sleep in my bed or my sis bed or the couch instead she slept in bros storage room on the ground.
   I tried to make her come to my room but she wouldn't budge so not knowing what else to do I told her that froggy was going to sleep with her.
   She wouldn't take him at first saying he would scare her at night but I persisted and it finally paid off.
  I know I should've done more and froggy doesn't seem as Much...but to me he's been there through my worst times...and although the pain never goes away forever, froggy (for me) tends to ease the pain a little.
I'm hoping that she can find a little comfort with him then me... and yes it is weird sleeping without froggy, actually it's scary...but for tonight I can manage being completely alone. For tonight mom needs him the most....

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Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

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I always feel lonely

Just had another breakdown...I guess the emptiness of the house got to me...

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Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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I cry over everything

So bro came over and helped me take the dogs a shower (which also turned to a water war bt us). And later on I decided to take pixie for a walk, knowing that bro would tag along...but in the end it was too hot outside and bro decided to leave. And I decided to go cry in my room. I tried not to but knowing that I have no one who would want to just take a walk around my block later or just chill outside freaking sucks. It makes me cry... how stupid of me.

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Drama

who would've thought I would have family drama. I mean I knew it was possible since it happens a lot within families but for some reason I just didn't think it would happen in my family. Not because I saw my family as perfect--on the contrary we are far from it--but I guess you could say It never really crossed my mind. In the end everyone has a sort of family drama and it's just the worst. My bro and sis have been fighting for quite some time now. It started off with my brothers girlfriend-->to how much he changed-->to suddenly moving out-->and then finally sis car problem. In no means am I trying to say it's his faults, I'm just trying to show the reasons why my sister started hating our brother. And I do mean hate, before today I was hoping they would reconcile and become close like they use to be...but it was a hopeless wish. After today I realized how much they detest each other. And honestly it gets me really sad. I won't go into details of what happened today because just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. Let me just tell you that it wasn't pretty. There was a lot of shouts, cussing, hitting doors, throwing stuff, threats, and almost close to someone getting hit. When this was happening I was in my room trying not listen to it. Listening to this was utter hell. As in it made me start crying. I don't like seeing my family arguing and going against each other. I hate how much hate they have one another. I can't say anything without the fear of being placed on someone's side. Im even fearing that something bad will happen. They have threaten each other and from what happened today, I feel like it might become true. I'm honestly scared of those two....and very sad...I told my sister that he was our only brother. I told her what would she do if I were to die before them? I told her that if my parents were gone as well that's really her only family left. She cannot hate him forever....but sadly she is determine to.....

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Lately i've been feeling under the weather; i've gotten lazier, my energy is literally no where up to speed. There are moments when I want to do something like paint, draw, or write...but just as soon as I get excited t my little energy leaves me and once again im faced with utter tiredness and depression. All I want to do is lay somewhere and either stare at something without thinking or just sleep. I hate this feeling. I wish I had friends I could hang out with. I'm tired of being lonely and not experiencing the fun of the outside world with other people...I just don't want to be tired anymore....

Tearful night

I asked my mom for some sleeping medicine. She gave me some and I was hoping to instantly fall asleep before my thoughts kicked in...but it was hopeless. The thoughts came back fool force. I feel like I have another voice feeling me these negative stuff. Instead of sleeping I'm crying now because all I can think about is my death. How my life is worth nothing. How everything I did to this point is absolutely valueless. How easily expendable I can be...and although I hate the fact that many will cry, I will soon be forgotten like when I was living. And I think that makes me sad the most.

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It's funny

I haven't talked to An this week, well technically he hasn't replied back. He's been busy with chem work and I just didn't want to disturb him so I decided not bother him. And yet I miss him. It's funny how one of my last posts I talked about ignoring people. I completely failed on that part. I can't ignore them forever because I end up missing them. I bet this is karma at its finest...it sucks. He's the only friend that talks to me, I can't let this friendship fade. I just can't. Without him I would definitely feel like I have no one...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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