thoughts suck...

Im not sure how to feel right now.... i've been roaming around the web trying to find something to pre-occupy my mind with but nothing seems to work...and i been having to much in my head lately...so many thoughts that are probably not so good..i try not to be like this but its so freakin hard! And its not like i can get out and hang out with friends since i have none here...its so damn hard to keep my emotions together, especially now that my sis and me share a room together...everything is just leading for the worst... i cant think positive, im just all negative right now. I wish i could change but its not gonna happen; i never change...and if i do change its just for the worse....now all i can think about is how long will i be able to stay in control? Cuz it feels like in any moment i might just crack

11/19/2012

I don't know why I do this to myself, to her and me... I should stop myself from hurting both of us--her more. But for some reason I can't. When she told me those things, I just kept replaying the words over and over again in my head. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about it... I honestly don't know what I feel. All I can tell you is that I do care for her...maybe more than i should... I didn't tell her this because if I did that I would give her hope. Hope that wont do any of us any good. I don't care if I were to get hurt in the end as long as she doesn't, I could care less what happens to me...but now I feel like I rejected her..I wish I bit my tongue back then but she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a lot better, because I can't give her what she wants no matter how much I wish I could. My reasoning wouldn't let me, since it's built in a very messed up mind set... I'm too negative...If something were to happen It wouldn't be forever because forever never stays and sooner or later we all go our separate ways. That's why we can't get so attach to one another because if we do when that moment comes to go our separate ways..which of us will hurt in the end?
Maybe i'm thinking ahead of myself but I cant help feeling that she may fall even more in love with me as I drift away or maybe vice versa.
In the end, sometimes I wonder if our friendship would cease to exist ...I don't want that,..
this is why I can't..no matter how much I want to...

Comments: I wrote this awhile back on my nook...I was thinking about her again... and I just needed to write ...This is the only way I can open up...it pretty much sucks...im such a complicated person :