5/02/10

Dear Journal,

Remember when i said that i wasn't going to write about crushes? Well yeah i lied. I have to tell you about my dreams of him. Jacob M. The dreams started at the end of 8th grade and beginning of 9th grade. At first he was this annoying kid that kept poking me but ever since i had my first dream of him i started to see him in a different way...well anywho let me tell you one of my dreams. It was my B-Day, my friends came and so did he. I was opening presents and i opened an envelope to find a letter. A letter from him were he told me how much he liked me. I was so happy that i literally exclaime, " I like you too!". He kissed me and i responded gladly but then my bro stepped in and he and my sis asked me what the meaning of this was. I told them in a lovey dovey expression that we liked each other and that we were together now. They were shocked at my easy response and i left them and went back to him. He then sang a song for me in front of everybody (which is so not like him in real life). It was INCREDIBLE! anyway that was about all...yesterday i also had a dream of him. In my dream i was hiding from him, im not sure why... he found me and said that he likes me. I was surprised and i wanted for some reason to get away from him and i did.... lolz yeah, i always wondered if he liked me because i always saw him staring at me in the school dance and he tried to ask me to dance but i was scared and said no...... the past is the past....

COMMENT: As you can see my whole life revolved around liking peeps. I think this was because i always felt insecure of myself and so to feel a little bit better i would come up with these fantisies...yeah idk anywho i stopped liking him. It was just for awhile i guess.....

4/21/10

Dear Journal,

Wow, ive been 'mood swingish' lately. From depressed-->scared-->happy-->. I dont know why im like this. Im just weird, lolz. Anywho let me tell you whats been happening recently. Well one day i was really depressed. Like seriously, i had thoughts of suicide. ...i kept thinking which room would be better to do it... either lock myself in the bathroom or in my room when everyone goes to bed, so i can take time dieing.. i wouldnty want to survive and see their shame.. and so i had everything planned; i got up from the couch and started heading to my room to get my razor, paper, and pencil. I wrote the letter and when i was about to end it..i thought to myself.. i thought of my arents sadness and even my siblings. Wat if i never saw them again in the afterlife? wat if their is no afterlife? and so instead of ending it i went to sleep to refresh my bersurkish mind...

... THEN that night i had a weird dream..i dreampt that my sis was driving on the highway and out of nowhere another car slams right through us, pushing our car off the edge..IT WAS A BIG FALL.. (its funny though b/c i always wanted to know how crashing feels like..idk why though?) ... finally we hit the pavement with no explosion...my sis went flying through the window and for myself well everything went black..i remeber thinking 'Wow i didnt feel anything at all.its so dark though..why r my eyes so hard to open?' when i opened my eys i was being carried by these weird peeps that were doing something to me--then my dreams shifted into another scene.. i was a freak-no a monster, they put horns and other animal part on me! and we were in some arena (which was our prison). The only way to get out was fight to the death with other peeps like me. I wanted to look for my sis (luckily she wasnt with me)...and so my dreams shifted again..a second i was a hideos monster and out of nowhere im jumping from fence to fence with messed up cat paws, ears, and a tail. I escaped that hell hole and went looking for my sis. Once i found her, i scared the shit out of a HOT doctor (it was an accident, i so forgot about my messed up parts). But he then decided to fix em so they wouldnt look raggish. so thats about it b/c just then my alrm went off and it was time for school... crazy as dream though...i knd of liked the doctor part lolz

Comment: the killing part..i've been sometimes thinking about that but no worries i never do it because i think about others... oh and my dream..i loved it..i sometimes get weird dreams like that...i really enjoy them..