My everything

I don't think peeps understand how much I miss them. How can I not miss them? They are the only ones who make me feel like I actually have a reason in living. They are my everything. Without them I wouldn't be here....

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Bad habits that should've stayed dead

I forgot how addictive this could be, I have to constantly keep reminding myself to stop before it gets out of hand

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Words

Theirs this girl in my class that I'm (strangely) attracted to. I say strangely because I don't usually get this feeling. She isn't cute, well maybe she is pretty, but she seems like a tough person. Which is not the reason why I'm attracted to her. I think it's the way she talks and makes her voice be heard. It's something about the way she talks that makes me attracted to her. It's weird...

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The pain Is always fresh

I still think about her. The memories never leave my mind, for which I'm glad....although every time I start thinking about her I truly start believing that she is okay. And yet every time I have to remind myself that she is gone. It never truly gets better, the pain is always there. It doesn't feel like months have passed, it honestly feels like just yesterday I held her for the last time........I really do miss her....

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"No homo"

I hate that phrase. I really do.
I hate the fact that I use to say that when I was younger. Ever since I came to this school, my mind has open up to different ideas;better ones. And now every time I hear someone say phrases like this one it gets me very annoyed.
So I'm like talking to the Adrian dude and he's cool and all. And I brought up some cool peeps that I liked and he did too, but when he addressed a male he would insert "no home".
I guess you could say I'm exaggerating but it really got me irritated. So I decided to bring up a female and say hot smoking hot she was. I don't know what
I was trying to accomplish but I just felt like saying it.

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I fell back to my old habits

My emotions were all over the place, and I just wanted to feel worse. So I didn't think about it and just did it. I'm not blaming my sister, yes I am angry at her but I'm mainly angry at myself. I blame myself, no one else.

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Crying when your angry is the worst

....

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Feel like a stalker

I keep looking through their page, I don't understand why I keep doing this. I shouldn't be doing this. And yet I still do it because for some reason I want to know what's happening in their life. Or so I tell myself. Ugh I'm irritated with myself...

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Last post

So I think I judged to fast.... I was just impatient... I'm getting to giddy. I really need to stop, it's like I never talked to a boy...I'm such a dumb girl

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Chat on

So I don't usually turn on my chat on fb because I don't really like mssging peeps but I've decided to turn it on to some peeps---honestly so I could talk to someone specifically. He recently got an account and he added me and I use to talk to him on MySpace, yep it's that Adrian dude. So I turn on my chat hoping for him to mssg me ...and today he did. I was kind of excited...but sadly the convo isn't really going anywhere. It was a real bummer, I wasn't sure what I was hoping for, I guess I was a bit giddy at the only guy whoever said I was cute...so yep I'm dumb for over thinking. Bleh...

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Note

I shouldn't write during the night, I tend to say too much. I start writing about specific things that should stay in the past...and yet I still want to write about it even though I know i'm going to regret it in the morning...ugh, it's like I have two different personalities. One side is all yes for it and the other is a bloody disaster....

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Labels

I hate them. They shouldn't exist. I really think It would have helped my way of thinking more positively in life ...but because they are there they only contributed in making me feel worse...
Stupid labels...

Unreliable

Its disappointing that I can't attend my friends special day. I can't go to Ritz Baptist or Guada's 20th b-day...just because I live so fucking far. Ugh, I still hate myself about choosing this school. Nothing good has happened here, if I would've just stayed back home I wouldn't have wasted so much money or taken money from my parents (they barely have enough for themselves...) and I could've still had the company of my few friends....I could of even gone to these special events! But no, i had to choose this god awful place. Now i'm stuck here for awhile more and I've become an even more unreliable friend. Although I guess the unreliable part shouldn't be a surprise, I'm never there for my friends. I'm such a useless human being...

I really wanted to talk about this certain event I went to but once I started writing my energy left...so I just didn't bother...

I've seen this video called "first kiss"
Where they get 2 random peeps to kiss for the first time, and although they are really actors,  I very much still enjoyed it.
It was so sweet, although it made me feel kind of jealous.
I've only kissed one person in my life, 2 if you count when I was little, not that I didn't like it. I did...but it was only once..and that was the end of that.
Now I just feel kind of sad knowing I never really had any dating experience really. All because a)I'm self insecure /negative and b) I'm too shy

Dont listen to me

Every time someone asks me if I'm fine I always end up lying. I'm pretty sure many others do too. I really do want to tell peeps that I'm not okay, but then if I try to open up I end up getting emotional...and that is something I try not to do in front of my friends. No one needs to see my weakness....