the last day of the year

isn't the last day of the year suppose to be a wonderful day...so why isnt it? For me it feel like an other day... Im not as happy and as excited as other peeps are... i dont know why i just am not... when i woke up i took a shower (somewhat excited to go to my friends house)..well i dont know when exactly all that enthuasim left. Because just then all my energy was gone, and i felt empty. When i went to my friend's house later i didnt feel like myself... it was hard to just talk and smile and act like everything was okay..because it just wasnt.. I even felt i ruin R time when i was there. She turned quite when i didnt try to talk to her.. she even gave me this kyoot cuddly bear (i named him shorty) and how did i repaired her back with silence... i feel like such a douche.. :[ anyways i hate this day because once i left my friend's house i became even more depress and had sooo many negative thoughts at my cousin's house... finally im home...but still nothing has change... anyways i hope you guys have a wonderful New years. I really do.

Lonely

I cried tonight. I cried for a stupid selfish reason. I cried because of my loneliness. I feel like i have no one. And when i semi do, i still feel like they will never truly understand how lonesome i am. Im so use to not talking to peeps off school days, not going anywhere but staying refuged in my room, not having anyone remeber you and be like "hey she's a cool person. I wonder if she/he wants to tag along?". dont think anyone truly understands until they've been there. I just feel so alone. So not worth it in this world. I asked God today to give me a sign if their was anything worth fighting for. Other than my family and few friends, i just dont find anything worth it anymore. I just dont. You know i just want to end it. So many opportunities i had/have...but i dont.. why you ask? Because i guess for some stupid reason i still have hope that everything will turn out to be better in the end...

what's happening?

I've been acting strange lately. I think i have, it feels like it.... im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing... im not entirely sure....

It gets better over time..

I've been pretty okay now a days... maybe not all that great but for now its good.. anyways i erased some posts about the person i like... why? well because i want to move on. I dont mean i want to forget about her, she's still my friend and will always be but what i want is not to feel 'struck' everyday...we both dont deserve it the pain, nothing will change between us and its okay. I chosed it like that and so did she. So i dont wanna think about it so i took some posts off...my feeling are buried deep within again and i dont plan in resurffing them any time soon.. because for now i havent sufered for the 'what if's' and i've been enjoying the few friends i have during school. Im okay.....