Same story, same ending

I'm thinking about it again.

Thinking about killing myself.

These suicidal thoughts keep getting worse as time goes on. I thought that as the years passed by everything would get better. But why do I feel like it's getting much worse?

I cant help but think about ways to end it, ways to "run" away from reality.
Reading and art doesn't work anymore, even that has become 'tiring'

Scenarios play in my head of where I would go or what I would do to end this 'disease' that is myself.

I dont want to die, not because I'm afraid of death (although I am) but mainly because I'm scared that God would push me away.

While I'm not as religious as my parents and I get pretty annoyed whenever someone preaches to me (since I was strictly raised in a catholic setting). That doesn't mean that i dont believe in God. I do believe. I sometimes try to talk to God (in my own way). Not often since I'm always ashamed of showing my horrible self to God.

I'm afraid of being rejected. While I deserve it I'm still a tad hopeful.

And yet...here I am. Rather then trying to get better im accepting this darkness to feed off of me. Lately I noticed whenever I argue with my family, the words "I wont live that long anyway"or "i wont survive" keep slipping out of my mouth. While they dont take it seriously (which I'm glad they dont ask questions) each day I find myself believing my own words.

Because the truth is that I wont survive long.

One day I will snap. Till that day comes I will try to prolong it a lil longer...

I cant find myself to talk about my feelings with anyone. If I do, I feel like it would only make them negative or depressed as well ... i wish I had the energy in making myself better rather than accepting it and becoming worse

I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Somedays I feel like I'm literally going insane. My mind and body feel chaotic and unsure of how it should function. I feel a hot fire inside me that wants to be let out but cant find the exit. Its burning me alive and I hate every moment of it. I cant help but think of negative ways to release that uncomfortable burning sensation. I want to let go but at the same time I'm afraid to let go....