What's so great about the new years?

Failing

So yesterday night, my botany professor decided to post our final grades.
I didn't want to check it out but I just had to obtain to know
And of course the result wasn't what I hoped...
Actually I don't even know why I thought I might have had a chance in passing. I mean all I'm good at is failing my classes. I don't even know why I bother anymore. I don't see me having any sort of future. All I see is more pain, and honestly I just want to end the pain with one swipe...
Or so I say...
Im sorry, I'm in a very dark place right now.
Failing my science course once again reopened the fresh wounds that hadn't healed yet...

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Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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The future is scary.
I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I'm still to scared to go out in the world by my own.
I have no confidence in myself to become successful in life.
I feel like I can't do anything right.
And it scares me so much because the first solution I can think of is ending the problem before it gets worse.
That problem being me....

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....