Early non-sense

Can't sleep.

Nothing new there.

I hate myself, I want to delete myself, I want to cry myself to sleep, I want to cut myself, I want to drown myself, I want to yell at myself, I want to hang myself, I want to slap myself, I want to break myself, I want to push myself onto on moving traffic, I want to drug myself, I want to disappoint myself, I want to not care for myself, I want to forget myself

I want to kill myself and let go of all these worries....


so easy to say than actually do...

Decisions, decisions

I really want to hurt myself, I finally took out the blade I had...but I just keep placing it against my skin without actually making the cut. I imagine how good it will feel, and I really just want to slash away lines into my arm.  But the small reasonable self is telling me no... and also how will I be able to hide it this time...unless... ugh...no

Time for a change

     2 weeks ago I accompanied my mother to immigration in order to renew her visa. In order to get their we took an uber. Like always I was getting nervous, trying to figure out if I should sit in the front or in the back with my mother and if I had to make conversation or not. I though if I didn't make conversation I would appear rude and that person would have horrible assumptions about me. This just comes to show that I still make it a bad habit of caring about what others think about me. Well in the end that won out, I sat in the front. My driver was a late 20 or early 30 year old female, I was a bit relieved that my driver was female. Just because I know with females I'm able to talk a little bit more than compared with a male; only because I've hangout and have more female friends then I do with males. Anyway, let's say her name was Lisa. Well Lisa was actually really nice and talkative and open too. Of course with any conversation I tend to open up too much. I know it's annoying but I can't seem to help it. Whenever I talk to a new person who I managed to click with, I just want to talk about everything about myself and about life in general. I'm not trying to tell them my sob story and get sympathy or show my ego; I do let others tell me stuff about them and anything else they want to say. But when I do talk about myself I don't usually talk to anyone in my everyday life so when I see someone having interest in me as a person/friend, I just start yapping about everything and anything. I try not to sound so depressing or negative, that was the case with this conversation.
    So i'm not sure how the conversation started, I just remember that we were talking about her experience as an uber driver and then the next thing we were talking about empowering other people and yourself. I remember telling her I had anxiety, and then saying how lately I've been trying to stay positive because i'm tired of living a life of depression and negativity. I know it was deep stuff for a first time conversation with a stranger, but I just felt like I clicked with her. She even mentioned how her second job was about helping to empower peeps, and she was just so filled with positive energy that I think it just went into me as well. She confirmed my feeling of clicking with her when she mention, "this is the first time I (in uber transportation) that my aura clicked with someone else". Those words actually made me smile. We proceeded in talking about friends and how one of my new friends and younger teens are worried about their relationship. I mentioned how I use to be like that too, so I definitely get their situation, but now as I grew older I started  thinking more about myself. Of course it took me long to actually start to think a lil more positive since i'm used to negativity; but now I feel like that getting involve romantically isn't for me right now. Of course I do sometimes crave the comfort and love of another human being but I know that if I were to get in a relationship right now I would just bring my negativity into the RS and affect my partner as well. I told her right now I want to learn to love myself and just become more positive in life.
    Lisa actually agreed and told me that she got married when she was 15 and stayed with a man for so many years who mentally abused her. And every time she would tell herself that she loved him and that's why she forgave him and stayed. She said it took her so many years to finally get out of that RS and just start loving herself. She then asked me, "what makes you happy? this is an important question that no one ever asks themselves; but what truly makes YOU happy?"
And of course I didn't know how to answer with the usual my family, friends, pets, etc. But that wasn't right. I mean yes I do love those around me, yes they make me happy, but what makes ME happy in life, ya know? What makes ME feel good about being me. It's hard to explain, but those words followed with more deep conversation was just so eye opening you know. When she dropped us off I felt relieved and just good. I swear to you that day changed a part of me.
     I'm not trying to say I'm officially a new positive person, because i'm not, but now I am willing to change. Throughout that day I felt like smiling and being positive, not one negative thought came through my head; I felt good to be alive. And that is really big. Before that day, I hate to admit that I was falling down a pit of no return. I started self harming again, constantly and even started taking my blade to school again. I started thinking about suicide and just taking that leap and forgetting about everyone. My thoughts were just eating me alive and I just wanted it to end. But Lisa's words open up something in me. It made my hope grow, it made me realize that I haven't tried in getting better. I always told myself that being positive is impossible for me, but the thing is I never tried to get better. I always put myself down and just let my negativity swallow me. Now, as the days passed, and school is nearing to the end of the semester I haven't written or thought of one negative/depressing thought. And it just feels good. Of course I haven't been all bright and cheery but I haven't gone through a suicidal thought once. I kind of see this a sign, showing me that if I really try I can probably beat this battle. I know that I may have my downfalls but that doesn't mean that I can't get back up. I choose not to fall and lose. I may not be good at anything else in life but I will be good at this. I will live to see another day.

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

I should disappear

There isn't anything left for me here. I no longer exsist. I should just make it official....

What is love?

I don't understand what it truly means to be in love. Their are moments when I wondered what it would feel like to be in love, would it feel nice? Would it hurt?
And then I ask myself was it love? Did I fall heads over heels or was it nothing?
Like is their guidelines one must follow? How do you determine you love someone? It's rather  confusing and I have no idea what I'm saying anymore.
I need to just shut up and leave

Why is this?!

Why must my mind keep replaying all those non exsistant possiblities?
Just stop!

What am up doing with my life?

I know I say this from time to time but seriously what am I doing? Nothing that's what. My life isn't going anywhere. I try to think positive but let's be honest here I'm not good at anything. In not good at being successful or just moving forward in life. I'm too much of a coward. And I will always be a coward until the day I die--whenever that will be. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying to do this, why I haven't given up already. How much longer am I going to hold on....

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What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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I always feel lonely

Just had another breakdown...I guess the emptiness of the house got to me...

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It's funny

I haven't talked to An this week, well technically he hasn't replied back. He's been busy with chem work and I just didn't want to disturb him so I decided not bother him. And yet I miss him. It's funny how one of my last posts I talked about ignoring people. I completely failed on that part. I can't ignore them forever because I end up missing them. I bet this is karma at its finest...it sucks. He's the only friend that talks to me, I can't let this friendship fade. I just can't. Without him I would definitely feel like I have no one...

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Trying to sleep earlier but it's near impossible

Like always my thoughts are all over the place. My head feels like it's about to explode, literally. I'm starting to have a major headache and tossing & turning won't help one bit. As well I'm having this feeling of wanting to kiss someone and just cuddle. Am I the only one who gets these random feelings? Don't tell my I'm sexually frustrated -__-
That would be too funny.
Any who I don't know why I started feeling this way, maybe my thoughts taking me to places that don't exists?
I'm even feeling the need to bite someone...it's been a very long time since I did that...
Oh great....what has become of me...
Well I shouldn't be surprised right self?
Ugh!! Liz go to sleep!!

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Suddenly....

My mood shifts every second...I can never stay in one mood...earlier I was talking about my obsession over yaoi...and just now I was about to go to bed...but before doing that I decided to go online to my other accounts (which I Know I shouldn't do) and then my thoughts started to consume me....now the thought calmed a bit but now my problem is that I kept pacing back and forth thinking about where I can find a blade...and then I realized my art class made us by a blade--which we never used... so now in getting "itchy". I really want to go get one and get it over with....but my other self is against it...ugh...so for now I just decided to drown a cup of vodka hoping ill forgot about the blades...didn't help really...since I can't get carry away and also because I hate the taste..ha.....

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I make no sense...

I haven't talked to anyone these last days... not even to the only friend I do tend to talk to....I'm not always sad... but for some reason this feeling is always there whenever I'm having an okay day. The feeling of not having anyone...so I guess that what I'm trying to do now...make this thought into a reality...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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Nagging voice

I keep thinking that I have no one. A voice inside my head keeps telling me that I can let go. That I have no one to hold me back therefore I should just get it over with. I know I shouldn't listen to that dark voice but sometimes it just feels like it's telling me the truth...

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Not my day

Today hasn't been great. I woke still feeling angry and sad. My mom came to my room asking if I wanted to go to the pulga. I told her no. She kept insisting and I just kept saying no,no,no. Then my sister said I had to wake up and go with them. She pulled my blanket off me and I screamed at her. They left me alone getting ready and once it was 1 o'clock they notice I wasn't getting up any time soon to eat. My mom kept asking what was wrong..at that point I didn't know what was wrong with me,  and I kept telling her nothing. Bro then came over and sat next to me on my bed. My back was to him and he as well knew something was wrong. He didn't ask like everybody else, instead he just talked randomly and tried to make me laugh...it was nice but at the same time It made me cry. So I cried so much and tried to hide it from him. I'm not sure if he noticed, if he did I'm glad he didn't mention it. That was the second time I accidentally cried for no reason in front of my bro. And no matter how much I tried to stop it became worse.
Then they left to the store. My eyes felt so tired and I didn't really felt like doing anything. I just walked around the house ate and then sat on the living room watching old movies. When they came back, I wasn't myself. I didn't really talk, just continued to stare at the tv. My family kept wondering what was wrong and I just didn't have an answer. And then I went back to my room and slept. I just barely woke up and I still feel like crying... and I still don't know why...

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Rant

I hate the fact that my mom tries to make me feel guilty when I go out with friends. She starts saying how I'm always leaving her alone and spending the whole day out with others. Which is utter bull! I never go out! I don't have a social life at all! Is it wrong that now that I'm on summer break I want to spend it with my only few friends as much as possible before I have to go back to school and become misearable? Anyway it's not like I'm going out every freaking day! I don't get why she says these things, it hurts a lot to hear this as well as it angers me....and what hurts even more is that she doesn't trust my friend just because he's gay. Today I told her I was going over to his house and the first thing she did was gasp. She was horrified, and kept telling me not to go inside his house or room. Saying that he could do things to me. It pissed me off and I told her if he invites me to his room I will definitely go in. And she was literally mad! And finally when I came back, she was telling me how she was afraid I would marry him. And just to rally her up further I told she should be afraid because I will marry him. And then I sarcastically joked how I would have to keep an eye on him because he would probably cheat on me with a hot guy. My mom wasn't happy with my response and told me to stop saying such idiotic things.
Ha, if she only knew that her daughter liked a girl and even kissed 2 girls in her life. I'm pretty sure she would burst... *sigh*

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Breakdown

I'm useless
I'm helpless
I'm friendless
I'm pointless
I'm a disappointment
I'm hideous
I'm unloved
I'm weak
I'm lonely
I'm negative
I'm worthless
I'm ugly
I'm expendable

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