I finally gave in. Just 2 fine lines and still it feels like it's not enough...but for now I wont do anymore

Decisions, decisions

I really want to hurt myself, I finally took out the blade I had...but I just keep placing it against my skin without actually making the cut. I imagine how good it will feel, and I really just want to slash away lines into my arm.  But the small reasonable self is telling me no... and also how will I be able to hide it this time...unless... ugh...no

Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts.