the last day of the year

isn't the last day of the year suppose to be a wonderful day...so why isnt it? For me it feel like an other day... Im not as happy and as excited as other peeps are... i dont know why i just am not... when i woke up i took a shower (somewhat excited to go to my friends house)..well i dont know when exactly all that enthuasim left. Because just then all my energy was gone, and i felt empty. When i went to my friend's house later i didnt feel like myself... it was hard to just talk and smile and act like everything was okay..because it just wasnt.. I even felt i ruin R time when i was there. She turned quite when i didnt try to talk to her.. she even gave me this kyoot cuddly bear (i named him shorty) and how did i repaired her back with silence... i feel like such a douche.. :[ anyways i hate this day because once i left my friend's house i became even more depress and had sooo many negative thoughts at my cousin's house... finally im home...but still nothing has change... anyways i hope you guys have a wonderful New years. I really do.

Lonely

I cried tonight. I cried for a stupid selfish reason. I cried because of my loneliness. I feel like i have no one. And when i semi do, i still feel like they will never truly understand how lonesome i am. Im so use to not talking to peeps off school days, not going anywhere but staying refuged in my room, not having anyone remeber you and be like "hey she's a cool person. I wonder if she/he wants to tag along?". dont think anyone truly understands until they've been there. I just feel so alone. So not worth it in this world. I asked God today to give me a sign if their was anything worth fighting for. Other than my family and few friends, i just dont find anything worth it anymore. I just dont. You know i just want to end it. So many opportunities i had/have...but i dont.. why you ask? Because i guess for some stupid reason i still have hope that everything will turn out to be better in the end...

what's happening?

I've been acting strange lately. I think i have, it feels like it.... im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing... im not entirely sure....

It gets better over time..

I've been pretty okay now a days... maybe not all that great but for now its good.. anyways i erased some posts about the person i like... why? well because i want to move on. I dont mean i want to forget about her, she's still my friend and will always be but what i want is not to feel 'struck' everyday...we both dont deserve it the pain, nothing will change between us and its okay. I chosed it like that and so did she. So i dont wanna think about it so i took some posts off...my feeling are buried deep within again and i dont plan in resurffing them any time soon.. because for now i havent sufered for the 'what if's' and i've been enjoying the few friends i have during school. Im okay.....

So much easier

School is coming and im still not feeling good... i've been feeling really depressed now a days.. i sometimes consider taking these strong depression pills my mom has.. she doesnt take it sometimes so yeah im not sure... I did do it once though. I had the pill in my hand and i was literally scared because of the sideeffects... but i just couldnt take the down feeling i had and it was so late... i just wanted it to be over with... so i closed my eyes and swallowed that pill down. Sure i was still freaking out but i did it and i went to bed and closed my eyes waiting it to kick in. To not feel like shit anymore... i felt weird for a bit but i think it worked..soon i was able to calm down and have a better night sleep...so now i WANT to take them. I wish i had money to get my own...

So much more..

I read her blog today... every single post she had... it was sad. Sad because i never really knew that their could be a lot of hurting inside of her... even if some was from the past... it still must've sucked to gone through it.... each post i read i wished i had met her before highschool. I imagined myself being able to be there for her. Help her out through that pain she carried on her shoulders...although if i could im not sure if i would be of any use.. i dont have the right words to comfort her or anybody else..... like now, i sometimes feel useless when it comes to trying to cheer her up... i know she sometimes feel like shit, shoot so many peeps do --even me... but i dont know how to be there for her... all i know is dat i dont want her to hurt... this girl deserves to be happy. She went through a lot in life and i just believe that if one girl had the chance to be happy it should be her....

Thats all for now

Im not going to write anymore of my entries from my journal.. i think i pretty much summed it up..so for now on my posts will be from the present and not the past.. i think. lolz.

3/1/11

Dear Journal,

Its been soooo long...so long that its already 2011..so many things have happened and i want to tell them to you. Well first of all i started somewhat hurting myself again. I did two in my arm and on my chest/wrist..well yeah i made a tumblr account where i put all of my depressed feelings and issues i had/have. Well everything was going good until Ritz & guada found it. Quite obvious since its 'SWEETBLOOD'. Well G hasnt read my older posts... hopefully... but R did. She confronted me in our folder. and well i felt shitty... it was very sad..but then we talked about it some more and things got a little bit better...but sometimes i wonder if she read the posts were i said i liked G...because now i LIKE her. Im not sure if its something like i felt toward G..it feels a whole lot different... from any of my other crushes... recently i have felt her more... like when she would get closer and i feel myself flushing from her near proxomity... im soo confused!

COMMENT: i havent hurt myself in a while... even though i sometimes want to i just dont..i have self control... im trying to keep it like that.. about R..i still like her... its november now... wow i have to say she's been my longest crush... and i just cant get her out of my head.. their was a while wen i locked my feelings away since she had a boyfriend... and she wouldnt hang out dat much with Anderson and me..even though i missed her it became easier to not think of her like that..but then she broke up with him and i started to notice things.. and it turned out she likes me too... i part of me is really happy to know that but another is sad because their cant be anything b/t us since i would only hurt her in the end... no matter how much i wish... anyways till this day i still like her... she's truely a great person... anyones lucky to be with her... :/

5/25/10

Dear Journal,

I want to tell you some things...first of all its nice knowing that a dude can like me for just me. Adrain is he's name...and he said he liked me and that he would like to go out with me but i declined cuz i see him as a friend and anywho it turns out he is in love with some chick in L.A. he's trying to forget about her . And im not mad...he's my friend after all. We message back to each other a lot. I like that, it feels nice. I think i can finally open up to someone other than G and R... G is another thing. ... im confused, i like her...i think i do... but sometimes i just like biting her...i dont know..remember that dream about me biting a chick that kept tempting me? Well yep that was her... and i just cant seem to understand if i like her or her neck... Anywho she has danny-boy,,,which i sometimes find myself jealous of... gah, its just a phase thing, i hope..

COMMENT: It turned out it was just an obsession. She is a really good friend and i could always count on her so i tried to form a different type of likeness towards her... well i did..but i finally told myself the truth and yeah.. i dont see her like that anymore..she's just a friend. A really good friend :] that im lucky to have.

5/28/10

Dear Journal,

Lots of weeks have passed..im finally a junior. Well anywho i had another dream about him. JM. It all started like this: I went my friend G's house and found J and Amanda in her room chatting. I was sooo happy to see him there but i tried not to show it, i was acting natural and conversating with them. I dont remember what we were talking about precisely, all i remember was that i was propped on my elbow just chatting it up... some time passed and it was time for him to leave. I was so sad because i was afraid i wouldnt see him again. SO he gave G & A a goodbye hug. And then they suddenly went to check something out the window. When he stood in front of me, i stood on my knees and hugged him. What he did next surprised me. He gave me a kiss on the cheek..my reaction was to blush and laugh and say stupidly, "What was that?" when in my head i was squealing with joy. He looked at me and grinned so cutely and then he left. Just like that. A & G were like "What just happened?" and told them and yeah then i headed home all happy thinking to myself 'i have to tell ritz!'..and yep thats when i woke up. I was sad since it felt so real! either way i still told ritz that day in school...i think she thought i was insane...shoot i think i am...Also like days before my dream JM replied to my Happy B-day wish i had sent him..it wasnt nothing special but i couldnt help smiling so retardly wen i saw the message.....lolz?

COMMENT: The funny thing about these of him is that he acted a whole lot differently than he did in real life. It's like he was a whole different person. I think i never like JM. I liked the guy i created in my dreams. Sure he looked like him but he sure as hell didnt act like him. I made up a whole different person...so i guess i dreampt up my other half...

5/02/10

Dear Journal,

Remember when i said that i wasn't going to write about crushes? Well yeah i lied. I have to tell you about my dreams of him. Jacob M. The dreams started at the end of 8th grade and beginning of 9th grade. At first he was this annoying kid that kept poking me but ever since i had my first dream of him i started to see him in a different way...well anywho let me tell you one of my dreams. It was my B-Day, my friends came and so did he. I was opening presents and i opened an envelope to find a letter. A letter from him were he told me how much he liked me. I was so happy that i literally exclaime, " I like you too!". He kissed me and i responded gladly but then my bro stepped in and he and my sis asked me what the meaning of this was. I told them in a lovey dovey expression that we liked each other and that we were together now. They were shocked at my easy response and i left them and went back to him. He then sang a song for me in front of everybody (which is so not like him in real life). It was INCREDIBLE! anyway that was about all...yesterday i also had a dream of him. In my dream i was hiding from him, im not sure why... he found me and said that he likes me. I was surprised and i wanted for some reason to get away from him and i did.... lolz yeah, i always wondered if he liked me because i always saw him staring at me in the school dance and he tried to ask me to dance but i was scared and said no...... the past is the past....

COMMENT: As you can see my whole life revolved around liking peeps. I think this was because i always felt insecure of myself and so to feel a little bit better i would come up with these fantisies...yeah idk anywho i stopped liking him. It was just for awhile i guess.....

That feeling

I hate having the feeling like you dont belong in this world.. like no one cares about you..that your not important..or that your life isnt worth it... i had that feeling today, i took a breather in backyard trying to clear my mind from the negativity... but it got worse because outside was too quite and all i could hear were my thoughts screaming how useless i am... I just decidedto sleep on a bench.. and watch nothing in particular....and then my dog (strangly) knew i was feeling down... he jumped on my bench and tried to get my attention... he made me smile at least for those few seconds.... i wish it were enough though...

other journal entries

uhhh, im not sure if i should post them..their really about feelings about differ peeps and its also a tons of writing lmao.. i'll see

4/21/10

Dear Journal,

Wow, ive been 'mood swingish' lately. From depressed-->scared-->happy-->. I dont know why im like this. Im just weird, lolz. Anywho let me tell you whats been happening recently. Well one day i was really depressed. Like seriously, i had thoughts of suicide. ...i kept thinking which room would be better to do it... either lock myself in the bathroom or in my room when everyone goes to bed, so i can take time dieing.. i wouldnty want to survive and see their shame.. and so i had everything planned; i got up from the couch and started heading to my room to get my razor, paper, and pencil. I wrote the letter and when i was about to end it..i thought to myself.. i thought of my arents sadness and even my siblings. Wat if i never saw them again in the afterlife? wat if their is no afterlife? and so instead of ending it i went to sleep to refresh my bersurkish mind...

... THEN that night i had a weird dream..i dreampt that my sis was driving on the highway and out of nowhere another car slams right through us, pushing our car off the edge..IT WAS A BIG FALL.. (its funny though b/c i always wanted to know how crashing feels like..idk why though?) ... finally we hit the pavement with no explosion...my sis went flying through the window and for myself well everything went black..i remeber thinking 'Wow i didnt feel anything at all.its so dark though..why r my eyes so hard to open?' when i opened my eys i was being carried by these weird peeps that were doing something to me--then my dreams shifted into another scene.. i was a freak-no a monster, they put horns and other animal part on me! and we were in some arena (which was our prison). The only way to get out was fight to the death with other peeps like me. I wanted to look for my sis (luckily she wasnt with me)...and so my dreams shifted again..a second i was a hideos monster and out of nowhere im jumping from fence to fence with messed up cat paws, ears, and a tail. I escaped that hell hole and went looking for my sis. Once i found her, i scared the shit out of a HOT doctor (it was an accident, i so forgot about my messed up parts). But he then decided to fix em so they wouldnt look raggish. so thats about it b/c just then my alrm went off and it was time for school... crazy as dream though...i knd of liked the doctor part lolz

Comment: the killing part..i've been sometimes thinking about that but no worries i never do it because i think about others... oh and my dream..i loved it..i sometimes get weird dreams like that...i really enjoy them..

4/13/10

Dear Journal,

Oh man, im really messed up. Lots of issues have been coming along the years for me; i knowthat its been awhile since i had written in my powerpuff diary, around 2 yrs i believe, but anywho today i felt the need to talk to someone who wont judge me for well EVERYTHING. Instead of writing in my diary i decided to write in a uhhh..oh yeah! my composition book. So that being the case let me get you up to date with what's happening to me. First off my life sucks--Well not really, more like i suck. My life is perfect, any other peep wouldve want an awesome family like mine (even if they may be strict, that only shows you how much they care for you and your well being). Anywho back to the subject that i suck. I DO. First off school has been a pain in the ass! I feel alone even if i have Ritz and kim to keep me company. I still feel distant from them. Even more with ritz; Ever since she found out that i cut. Its probably just me but now i feel guiltythat Ritz continued back to her old self. What i mean is that she hasnt cut herself for awhile now until recently. She was doing great but now that greatness of hers crumpled to pieces. When she talks about cutting herself, that guilt of mine comes back to haunt me. I try to ignore it but it just seems to mock me. Thats why im trying hard not to tell Lupe where i cut myself next because then im afraid she might continue doing it because of me. She told me not to cut or else she would start doing it too, all over again. And i dont want that to happen because she has someone who loves her with all their heart. Thats Danny-boy--I mean Daniel (got use to the nickname) her boyfriend. Even though i dont know him, i do know that he wants her out of harms way...and so im trying hard to keep that promise to her... but the truth is that i have an addiction problem. I HAVE stop cutting my arm, chest, and ankle but now im cutting my wrist. and i just cant seem to STOP! I want to and yet i dont..i think i need help, but then if i ask for it, they might end up telling my family and they would be disappointed...i dont want that, so im going to try not to hurt myself even further...

Also, I have become more violent...my sis was taking my speakers if i didnt do something, but i became stuborn and said no. I wouldnt let her leave my room until she left my speakers alone. So, i snapped. I felt myself radiating with anger and pure evilness. I was think of different ways to kill her. Oh god wat is wrong with me?! I almost punched her but luckily she moved and i somewhat held back...but if you had seen her eyes filled with fear you too wouldve been afraid of the monster i had become. Im scared that i might end up killing someone i love without having control. Im scared and so because of that im depressed. LIKE EVRY STINKIN DAY!! I feel like i should just end my life..kill myself and say my last words on paper. But then i cant because i dont want to make peeps sad and im not sure if im strong enough to do it... So im going to try to live to my fullest; become a vet, have an awesome corvett, live in a ranch in the countryside, have tons of animals, and maybe a family too..and being an author would be pretty sweet. Anywho thats all i have to say.... oh yeah, when i read my diary apparently i write to many subjects dealing with 'love'..i dont think i believe in it anymore... i havent expierience it and by what i see from others it doesnt look like love.... So no more love talk eh? See ya!

Comment: So my friend talked to me wayyyyy back about not being my fault..and that talk actually helped... so yeah. For me i sometimes do it. Like once or twice but never deep like before... Myt scars are fading thankfully... i still have anger issues.. everyone in dis house does (lolz?)... theirs still something wrong with me and i doubt that will ever change.. oh and about love... a part of me doesnt believe in it.... and so yeah...

1/08/07

Dear Diary,

I'm really sad these couple of days. Why? well because when i got home from Mexico; My sis told me that they took all my cats to the pound. I really miss Ellen, Tiger, Gonzilla, and Puma. Sometimes at night i hear cats meowing...i told my mom to take me one of these days to the pound to see if they got adopted and if so to make sure they have a happy life. My mom said sure but i dont believe her.

-draws picture of the cats = me heartbroken-

Comment: My mother never took me. And i never found out if they were adopted or what... i hope they were... i hope the peeps didnt kill them... i stil miss them. i wish i had never gone to mexico...if i hadnt i wouldve been able to protect them...but i didnt..and because of me their gone...

skip

i actually skipped some entries.. cuz they seem too sumb.. so yeah just FYI

5/04/09

Dear Diary,

Hi again! i couldnt sleep until i talked to someone about how i'm feeling right now. In this case i need to talk to you before i go to sleep. Tonight has been a sad night, you see, i like to read supernatural books, espeacially vampires, so i go to chavez library to get books every week. Well yea, i got this book about witch craft [a religon called Wicca]; its white witch. It's not a devil-worshiping or any sort of evil thing like that. It's more like a nice energy flow kind of thing. Well yeah, i told my mom about it which she told everyone else in the family. My brother sounded disappointed in me, my mom & dad were being sarcastic & also worried that i might be doing that. My sis didnt say anything...well the thing is i really am interested in this religion. I know im catholic and all but that doesnt mean im going to give that away. You see, i believe that doing wicca will give me a postive energy in me (aka BYE DEPRESSION!) but with all the disappointment in this house i have to say bye to wicca. I havent even finished reading the book and its really interesting! even so i can no longer disappoint my family. So ima have to do what they say is right for me :/ Ima give my best in my studies to make them proud.

I dont understand why im crying right now. I seriously thought that studing wicca will give me a positive energy in life and change my character into something else better for my parents. Or maybe its because im soo depressed all the time that i thought wicca will be able to help me with that problem. I guess i was wrong... I cant seem to stop crying..i just hope to make my family proud of me...and i really want to be succesful in my own life. so please, help not be depressed.. NO MORE!! Diary im waiting for this depression to go away anytime soon. but it never has... I HATE MYSELF!!

Comment: back then i was depressed... sad to know that that might never change...anywho, i never did do Wicca... but im okay with it now.. i doubt that would've really helped me.. i still dont want to disappoint my family..but i am somewhat.. i've been doing worse in school now... i'll try to fix it i guess... oh and i still kind of hate myself...

Realization

so far from my diary entries from the past i have to say, for a young girl i really had way too many crushes on boys. Like literally! it would only last less than a week and then i would target some other fool ----____----" this makes me wonder if my feelings for this peep today are just like my past ones... i dont think so...but i dont know anymore.. oh and also i just realize i should had made 'comments' a different color @__@ too late now because when i try to fix it, it wont let me...ugh my bad.. lolz?

11/14/08

Dear Diary,

Its been a long time since i've written in my diary. Hella years i would say. I believe i was 11 or 12 yrs old since i last written to you. I am 14 and attend EHS---WHICH SUCKS! to tell ya the truth. I wish i could change the past and attend weber with my other friends: Jessica, Guada, and Vanessa. I know it doesnt seem a lot but for me it is. I dont know if it's me or the school -probably me- but i dont seem to care about my school work that much. I feel like a dumb girl surrounded by smart people, i feel unwanted. I hid my progress report from my parents -which i know is wrong- i didnt want to disappoint them. They had so much confidence in me but i failed them... i dont like EHS!!! I hate it!!

I want to change to weber but what happens if its much worse than i imagined? I hope not... but other than that i want to get out of EHS. I hang out during lunch with one person, Bianca. My mom's best friends' daughter. Bianca and me have the same classes except for 2pd & 6pd. Well yeah, me and her hand out all the time. I guess you can say we have one another. But my fear is that if she is sick one day im going to be alone in lunch.

Oh also im falling in love with characters from my books (fantasy/horror/romance) espeacially from the twilight saga. It's the MOST AWESOME book ever! Well yeah i'm in love with the main character Edward. He's a gentlement and also Emmett, the strong funny person, oh and Jacob, impatient, cute hardworking person. The funny thing is that Edward and Emmett are Vampires (good) and Jacob is a werewolf (good too). I know i'm young and all but i wonder if im ever going to find a gentlement that will love me for who i am and that i will love; but he has to treat me with kindness and he has to be quite funny. Or at least cute, smart, and hardworking, i guess looks shouldnt matter, the only thing that matters is that he cares/ loves me. And vice versa. I keep having dreams of how i may fall in love or about how I want my life to be...Anywho i've been depressed like always, i feel like dying sometimes. My life isnt fun or important. I want to be something awesome in life....like a hero or something but that's only in fairytales...anyways i dont want myfamily to suffer with my death. I just start saying crap but never really mean it cause it would be a scary expierence. So im excited about twilight being released into theatres in Nov. 21 (a friday). A week from now!! I've seen the trailers, i actually cried! IM SO EXCITED!! ahahahahaha!!! Well it's time to go to bed. I'll try to write as soon as possible. I might need someone to talk to even though they arent real. Peace.

Comment: I still dont like my High school but its my last year there and im scared about college now D: ..anyway Bianca is an awesome friend! sadly though she moved and wasnt with me in sophmore yr. I hanged out with another friend but sometimes i would be alone during lunch trying not to cry.... But now i hang out with more peeps and their fun!... sooo as u can see i got obsessed with Twilight. I am still (somewhat) and I perfer Emmett than the other two :D lolz. Thanks to twilight i started to be a book worm. I love it....back then i was depressed and i still am today... i still debate about death..but i still wont do it....because i dont want others to suffer... oh and im watching breaking dawn tommorrow!!! xD EXCITED!! Ps. i misspelled a lot!!

12/04/06

Dear Diary,

Today is a sad day like everyday because KWIN is giving out free tickets and backstage passes to see RBD in a concert in SF, CA. The way to win is to name the artist and song but i have no luck. And i want to meet RBD sooo bad! I prayed everyday to get luck, but nothing happens..if i ever go to my first concert i want it to be RBD= Rebelde ROCKS!!!!

Comment: 0.O I was really obsessed with them but it soon faded away and i never got lucky. AND my first concert was never them but The Veronicas (which im happy they were).

10/18/06

Dear Diary,

At night, I was crying because my sister (Rozanna) kept telling me i'm fat and bad words like always. Man sometimes i wish she wasnt my sister, but i love her. Somethings i say to her i dont mean them. But i wonder if she means it me..?? i hope not....

-draws picture of sister + her = Friend/sister-

Comment: I had -and still have- low self esteem. I still think im ugly and i know im fat... its never going to change... and my sis is sometimes mean to me but i try to ignore it.. i still love her though, no matter what...

10/17/06

Dear Diary,

Today was a great day. My mom had to take care of Yazmine (a friend of mine). We made a killer ginger bread man for halloween and buried our treasure in the neighbors yard next to my garbage. -draws a map-

comment: Come to think of it...those days with her were the best days in my life. I actually enjoyed life. I had fun with it....but soon that happiness left. She faded away just like the rest and i digged up that treasure alone....

5/23/06

Dear Diary,

Guess what?! I might move to a ranch. But the thing that i will miss is all my friends and school. I will meet different people and ride the bus. But in a ranch i get to have different kinds of animals.

comment: I never did write in my diary everyday. i would skip months or weeks, or maybe even years... i wasnt really a writing person back then. Anywho I never did move to a ranch. But i still hope that one day in the future i will and i still LOVE animals.

2/01/06

Dear Diary,

Friends are great. I use to have a lot but not anymore. I only have to best friends named Icela and Ana. I think the other girls dont like me because i'm all that or because i'm annoying to them. And now i am losing my friend that hangs out with me all the time. Icela, i think, is annoyed with me too? I Hope later on I find a true friend that has the same in common with me and doesnt get annoyed. i dont know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope SO. :C

Comment: I DID use to have a tons of friends back in the day... and i always thought they were my best friends... but they never were... now i have a few close friends but sometimes i feel like im losing them too... i dont want them to leave me either.... :[

2/01/06

Dear Diary,

I use to like Anthony because he was funny but not anymore. Anyway he didnt like me and he has a girlfriend. But not that long! Then i liked george, but not anymore because he flitters with other girls. He had a girlfriend too. Anyway i will like a boy that was nice, funny, cute, and loyal to me. But i guess i wont find a person who will fall for me. Well to bad.

-draws a broken heart- = No love for me!

Comments: I can't believe that at this age i was more worried about guys then school and friends... and i totally didnt make sense!

A blast from the past

So im going to post my old diary entries from when i was a kid. I'm going to put the dates as the title.. why am i doing these? well actually, im not sure... anywho their kind of silly.. some of them..

Dream

I had a dream last night. It was so vivid. I seriously thought it was happening for reals. Anyways i remember some stuff- not all of it since it has become fuzzy once i woke up... The person i like was in my dream. I dont really rememember where we were at, it looked like my school in some classroom. Their were students that her and me knew...and then we started talking about something. We sat in the back seats ,she was behind me and i sat in front of her. Their was no teacher and it was only peeps we knew... everyone was scattered around. Her and I were in the back just talking and then i dont know how it happened but she leaned in as if waiting for me to take the next move..and i was sooo debating it but then i made up my mind and kissed her.. And like literally their was a spark going through our lips... And thats when i woke up with a start. ...A part of me wished it did happened in real life... :/

Bonding

I've been bonding a lot with my friend Anderson. He's a really awesome dude. And i dont really have guy friends sooo this is a really new thing for me... anyways i've been bonding with him a lot..and i always seem to talk about him without me even realizing it. It's just that im so happy to have a guy friend and like i said i've been hanging out more with him afterschool and during school than my other friend. So anyways i keep talking about him that my family thinks i like him but the fact is i dont, not like that that is! i just see him as a friend.. although i did try -at one point- to like him like THAT, but i just couldnt because i like(d) someone else at the moment... Back to this... even Stephy (a freshman in my art class) keeps saying his my Boyfriend... i never had a bf..and i dont really see myself going out right now... although sometimes i do wish... but yeah i just hate when my fam keeps saying i like him like that.. they dont understand how much i appreciate our friendship..

Decided

I have been writing more on here recently... i dont want to write everything on my tumblr for reasons that i will keep to myself. I think writing helps me cope in a way. It helps me release everything im feeling inside... and i sure as hell have many emotions running through me... sooo i think i might make this like my own personal notebook...

Outcast feeling....

Everytime i look at others i cant help but feel sad. Sad knowing that they are loved by a tons of people. I dont get why i feel like this. I have the bestest friends on this planet... but i still cant help feel that i am a social outcast... I want to make new friends and i want people to like me for who i am.... i hate being alone with no one to talk...In school im okay i get to hang out with 5 of my closests friends but when i get home not even them are close anymore... We dont talk outside of school..and its just feels soo lonesome knowing that only time i can talk with them is in school during lunch... i want to have a wonderful teenage life with friends.... but so far i havent been spending them as i hoped...

Down...

I hate feeling down all the time. For no reason i just feel like crying...and i just hate it...

For you....

I wrote this on my Ipod a while back... i decided to put it on here since i feel like this blog site can be my own personal letters or reflections dat no one take a look at. ...so this is a letter to someone i cant stop thinking about..

Dear You,

I finally had the guts to tell you i like you. And i know i said i dont want to hurt you by being with you but the fact is a part of me WANTS to be with you. A part of me wants to hold you in my arms and kiss you with all my heart. I've actually debated on just kissing you straight on. But the other part of me holds me back and tells me the truth. The truth being i'm going to be a jerk and hurt you. So i dont do anything. If only you made the first mov bacause if you did I think i would just ignore the other voice and be yours as you would be mine...

Ps. I think i want to take the risk.

Love,
Liz