thoughts suck...

Im not sure how to feel right now.... i've been roaming around the web trying to find something to pre-occupy my mind with but nothing seems to work...and i been having to much in my head lately...so many thoughts that are probably not so good..i try not to be like this but its so freakin hard! And its not like i can get out and hang out with friends since i have none here...its so damn hard to keep my emotions together, especially now that my sis and me share a room together...everything is just leading for the worst... i cant think positive, im just all negative right now. I wish i could change but its not gonna happen; i never change...and if i do change its just for the worse....now all i can think about is how long will i be able to stay in control? Cuz it feels like in any moment i might just crack

11/19/2012

I don't know why I do this to myself, to her and me... I should stop myself from hurting both of us--her more. But for some reason I can't. When she told me those things, I just kept replaying the words over and over again in my head. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about it... I honestly don't know what I feel. All I can tell you is that I do care for her...maybe more than i should... I didn't tell her this because if I did that I would give her hope. Hope that wont do any of us any good. I don't care if I were to get hurt in the end as long as she doesn't, I could care less what happens to me...but now I feel like I rejected her..I wish I bit my tongue back then but she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a lot better, because I can't give her what she wants no matter how much I wish I could. My reasoning wouldn't let me, since it's built in a very messed up mind set... I'm too negative...If something were to happen It wouldn't be forever because forever never stays and sooner or later we all go our separate ways. That's why we can't get so attach to one another because if we do when that moment comes to go our separate ways..which of us will hurt in the end?
Maybe i'm thinking ahead of myself but I cant help feeling that she may fall even more in love with me as I drift away or maybe vice versa.
In the end, sometimes I wonder if our friendship would cease to exist ...I don't want that,..
this is why I can't..no matter how much I want to...

Comments: I wrote this awhile back on my nook...I was thinking about her again... and I just needed to write ...This is the only way I can open up...it pretty much sucks...im such a complicated person :

Inner Battle

i hate how i cant understand my feelings toward her... i always find myself wanting to be with her and then knowing that it's wrong to be with her.. At times i feel like its just another obsession of mine and that i just want to be with her to just not feel lonely anymore... i don't understand what it is... i'm not sure what i feel anymore... If you were to ask me this awhile back i would've said that i truly wanted to be with her without a doubt... but now that sometime has passed, my old feelings are clashing with different ones... and now i'm just utterly confused... just yesterday, she kissed this other girl b/c of a dare... but in that dare, it asked her to kiss anybody...and i know she wanted me to be the one...and i seriously wanted to too.... but my stupid mind didn't think the same as my feelings... it reasoned with me that i shouldn't be doing that with her... that i was only going to make things worse and hurt her... and then to make it work, that same day one of our friends broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated...it was the first time i had to watch someone heartbroken over another human being...and every time i looked at her tear-stained eyes..i would see the person i feel for hurting too but because of me.. i don't want that... i don't want to hurt her and then lose our friendship... i don't want to... anyways that's the way i feel..i'm not sure if i'm overreacting or what..maybe i am... or maybe i'm not.. i should talk to her about it, but i was never good at talking heart to heart... i don't know... one thing i do know is that she wont be waiting for me forever...and maybe, moving on, is a good thing for her... because even if something where to happen b/t us..it wouldn't be forever... it just wouldn't..

Unjust of me...?

i dont know if it was right to get mad at my friend for trying to do something that i have been wanting to do too. She told me how she tried to kill herself but that then she thought about how wrong it was to go through it, so she didnt... but the thought that she did have it planned out; set and ready to go got me scared and mad. Scared because just the mere thought that i wouldnt see her again hurt... and mad because she was actually going to rip herself away from the people that care about her. Anyways i wrote back my feeling about how i would semi-hate her if she were to be gone... i was really angry and hurt when i wrote it but then the next day as i gave her the note... i thought to myself.. Do i have a right to get mad at her? Afterall i too wanted to do it too. I even tried to take pills but in the end stopped myself from doing something stupid... im not sure if i was fair...and i do know i must've hurt her feelings... i didnt mean too...it's just that im sacred...for her and for me too...

Doodles... (2010-January 13,2012)

Doodles, my female guinea pig, died yesterday at night. Let me say it wasn't a pleasant thing to see....Before i went to bed I was going to feed the animals (i do this in the morning and at night), when i neared her cage to put her water she didnt squeal like the other times. She was just lying there and i thought she was just sleepy..i touched the cage and called her name..when she wasnt responding my heart broke...i knew what was wrong but i didnt want to believe it. I picked her up frantically calling her name over and over, but as soon as my warm hands met her cold still body i knew she was gone. Slowly i began to break even further... she was gone and i was never going to see her again. I couldnt crying. I screamed her name hoping for Doodles to answer back, my dad was in the kitchen asking what was wrong...all i could say was "Doodles..Doodles..". I was so concentrated in holding onto Doodles close to me that i never notice my bro's arm wrapped around me in comfort and with his other hand covering Doodles' face. He didnt want me to see her open eyes. My sister came too and together they tried to comfort me and told me many soothing words about Doodles being in guinea pig heaven in a grassy field eating as much as she can.

It was nice to hear that, but i felt guilty. I pead Doodles for forgiveness for being a bad owner and not taking great care of her.. for not cherishing the moments we had together more... my brother heard me and told me that it wasn't my fault, she was sick and it was just a matter of time....but that atleast she wasn't suffering from the tumor... she beat it once and once was enough...

Putting her in a boxwas a hard thing to do. I didnt want to let her go. I was still holding on to her but she was getting colder and colder. So then i decided to make the box warm with her bedding. I wanted to make sure that even after death she could be somewhat warm.. My bro fixed the box as i asked and then i gave her one final kiss goodbye as i layed her gently inside her bed. Putting her inside the box was easier than closing it. Tapping it down and writing her name on the box was even harder. I was breaking even more but i managed somehow.

What was even harder was taking her to the animal shelter's drop off (peeps say they bury the animals, i hope so). We wanted to bury her in our backyard but their are too many cats roaming around the neighborhood and we were afrais that they would disturb the grave and so we had no other choice but to take her there. Every light we came across i hoped for it to turn red (which they did) so i could have more time with Doodles. A part of me was wishing that i was dreaming and that Doodles was still in my house instead inside of this box lifeless. But as we neared closer to the shelter my wish shattered and at that point i knew i wasnt dreaming. i remeber gripping the box tighter not wanting to ever separate from it. but i had too. My brother was so nice in giving me patients. When i was ready, i gave the box to my bro. He asked me if i wanted to do it...but i just couldnt so i asked him to do it. If i were to do it it was going to be hard to let her go for sure. so he did it and it was harsh of me to give him that responsibility because wen he came back inside the car he was crying. I've never seen my bro cry...and so we left. My eyes never left the place where Doodles now layed in until the building was out of view... and so now as i write this i feel a little bit better but not entirely great..her cage reminds me of her absence...and i cant help but cry that she's gone. my precious Doodles. My lovely friend. ..i will never forget you Doodles. Never will i forget how you would squeal for attention, how you would let me scratch you underneath your chin, how you ran around my room leaving trails of poo behind (lolz), how you would let Dulce (doggie) lick your face, how you would somewhat let me take you a shower and brush/dry your hair, how you would let me fill your little face with so many kisses, and how you would look at me as i talked to to you as if you knew exactly what i was saying...im sorry Doodles but please remember that i have always loved you and i will continue to love you (even after death). Always...