Old habits never die

I'm cutting again.

Sad

Lately I've been trying to self sabotage. I dont know why I'm doing this to myself, but the feeling of wanting to break down and ruin myself has become strong. Crying is no longer an easy way out for me, I NEED to feel a new type of pain. Cutting and alcohol isnt taking this itch away...sometimes I wish I could just smoke...now I've been adding melatonin in the mix. A lil at a time....I dont know what I'm doing anymore....I just know that I dont want to feel like this anymore...

Unwelcome

That feeling is coming back, it was to be expected....yet...why do I feel so surprised?

A part of me hoped that I was finally able to grow from my past experiences, but here I am falling apart. Past me knew this feeling will never go away completely yet future me was so hopeful of embarking a new path. Present me is slowly coming to terms with reality. I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to embark in any sort of dream I may have. I'm just going to be the same girl who's just trying to take another breath each passing day. A girl that only dreams and never acts. A girl with no hope.

It's been bugging me lately

I wanted to help contribute to the club, but the amount of hate amongst certain members is making me annoyed. I dont like labeling my sexual orientation especially when I feel like I MUST have an answer. I'm still exploring and find myself liking people for who they are really. It's TRUE that I'm more physically attractive to guys and not women. Yet I dated a girl because I genuinely liked her for who she was/is and then I just found myself being captivated by her. I noticed that the girls I liked so far in my life, was built on friendship. As I grew to know them I found something special that made me like them. While one was a shorter crush, my ex (no matter how short we lasted) was honestly one of a kind girl. I know that sometimes my family's religious views hinder me, and its something I'm not sure I will learn to deal with as of now. But for now I just want to explore who I am without having to explain myself to others. 

I might sound stupid and rude but I just need to rant...its been awhile 

FUCK OFF

School doesn't mater anymore, I give up. I don't care anymore
Life hates me and I hate it

Just another year

Wrong.

How did I think that I could actually do this, why did I believe in those positive words. Words that only give hope in prolonging the truth. The truth that I will never change, I won't get better, I won't ever be happy. Why did I get swayed by the lies? I shouldn't have been hopeful, I won't ever change...