Im sick

Great.....(note the Sarcasm)

Just saw something that proved how shitty I am...just great...

shouldn't have seen it...

Thoughts on New Years (warning: Negativity ahead)

So I just noticed that New Years is around the corner; I haven't thought about it. I know a bunch of peeps mention how its a new year to start fresh and start doing things differently than the year before that, but to me its just an extension to my negative-self. Last year my New years was actually horrible, I cried myself to sleep that time...I'm hoping that this time around i'll just let the day pass without worry...

To me, the New Year doesn't bring joy or hope. I know that 2014 isn't going to change anything. I'm still going to be same old me. I'm still going to do bad in school, be lazy, be negative, be lonely, be anti-social, be indecisive, and have negative thoughts. I guess you could say that instead of seeing the bright side of what a New Year can bring, I think about all the bad stuff i'm sure that's going to happen. I know I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it. These negative thoughts have always been a part of me. I never think about the bright side or I never live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead of the bad stuff that can happen in my life. So to me New Years is just going to be the start of another bad year....

From happy to scared

Yesterday I skyped with An. I really enjoy our chatting time. We don't often do it anymore (my fault), but the times we do its absolutely wonderful...Every time we talk, I always find myself voicing some of my fears out loud. I don't usually do that, but with him it just happens. Although they are still specif topics that I never mentioned to him before...Those topics are hard for me to even bring up...and yet I find myself Wanting to tell him...I guess you could say im scared. Scared of what? I'm not entirely sure. I know he won't make any rude comments...but the idea of telling him (or anyone else for that matter) is scary....

I keep doing this thing...and sometimes I just do it without realizing it. It needs to stop, i feel like im obsessed or something. This is not healthy at all....

worse and worse

Its gotten to the point where i cant stop....

mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!

Merry Christmas

So it's Christmas, I know I sounded kind of 'morbid' on my last post. It wasn't my intention to sound like that, I was just stating my opinion. Anyways, this post isn't going to be a depressing one. Ima try once in awhile to write about good stuff in my life. SO today is Christmas. I woke up late like always (around 12:30) and then I ate (mom made tamales, posole, and hot chocolate) and then my bro told me to open my presents. I got 3, I wasn't expecting nothing really, but bro got everyone a prezi at least. My presents consisted of 2 shirts and a sweater. Now before I continue, I want to say that i'm not a fan of getting clothes as presents. That's because I always get small sizes (even if they say their x-large, its usually an x-large for a skinny person still) and they never fit me. Which then brings me down even more because I know im fat... Anywho! My bros know this and got me stuff that actually fits, which im happy cuz the shirts are really nice! So I got that, and then a few days back I got this awesome art kit from my friend Lupe and then some letters (even though it was personal stuff I still like her writing) from Ritz. I love all my presents. Oh! and bro bought me candy canes too! I love peppermints!!! :3

After opening my presents I watched a movie with my parents, and then I made a wannabe smore. I say wannabe because I didn't have the actual stuff except for the marshmallow. I used a cone and some chocolate de abuelita to make it. I gave the first one to my dad, he made a face. I did too when I tasted mine. It wasn't great lol.

Then I went to give everybody a Christmas hug (with my polar bear scarf/hoodie thingy majigy that Lupe gave me last year on). After that I grabbed froggy and took a pic with him on my webcam (although I wish Dulce was here to take one with us :/ )and then I grabbed my parents and took a pic with them as well (bros didn't want to >.>). I was going to post them on fb but I remembered i'm taking a break from it so ima do it on here (now ya gonna see the chick that always writes depressing stuff -__- lol?)

Now i'm just chilling in my room going to continue to watch some Buffy episodes.

Anywho I had a nice morning,hope everyone has a nice day.Merry Christmas!

Holidays

I never get excited for them, theirs nothing really special about them. Just how I see it. But I know for some of you they mean a lot...therefore, Merry Christmas.

dropout

I try not to think about my classes but tonight i just cant help it. I only passed one class and that was Ethnic Studies. I already knew i was going to fail Zool...but i was hoping to pass pre-cal, this is my second time taking it...and once again i failed. All im doing in school is failing every course. Im wasting my parents money a lo menso.They could barely pay their own bills after constanlty giving us money for school.... Sometimes (mostly now a days) ive been wanting to quit school but i cant bring myself in doing it without thinking about everyones disappointment in me. And when i think about that i start thinking about that dreadful-selfish-easy-way-out....

Today wasnt an active day at all. I've been in my room all day watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, currently im on S2. I love this show!
I shouldve been doing something else but i decided not to, this was better. And honestly a day without going on social networks is a very good feeling.

Not even a day..

And I already want to check my social networks. Its a habit of me just to open them all and scroll through it and then close them. And proceed the same process throughout the day....gah, oh well..I'm going to watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer before I decide to go back on my accounts..

Alex

when I was younger I was really close to my cousin, Alex. He is one year younger than me, although he was taller than me. Anyways back then we were really close, every time I would stay over at my Madrina's place we would play together. Each year for Halloween we would dump our candy on the ground and start trading candy...it was really fun...but as the years went by we started distancing ourselves. It came to the point that when my family went over to his house we would just say hi and that's about it. I'm very talkative with my other two cousins but when it came to him it was just absolutely quiet.....but just recently, we started saying more than just 'hi' to each other. It very surprising how long it took us to get to here. Just yesterday we celebrated his 18th birthday. His friends were suppose to come but they couldn't. My bros bought some silly string and we went to his room and sprayed him. It was fun, and because of that he had no choice but to come out of his cave. As a family we conversated a lot with him.Then he tried to introduce me to the show Arrow and some other gamers on youtube. When we were about to leave he gave me a game he had. That seriously surprised me. He made me take it and that right there made me smile....

social networks

I'm not sure if im the only one who feels this way...but seriously social networks affect me. When i say affect they usually get me depressed. Because i start acting selfish or start comparing my life to others...i've been wanting (for awhile too) to delete all my accounts..but who am i kidding? Thats never going to happen... so im going to try not to go on fb, twitter, or tumblr. I'm just going to try to be on my blogger, wattpad, or DA;anyother place where i dont follow peeps. Lets see if i can do this for a week...and if i can maybe i can do it longer...

12.2 | 12.13

I wasn't able to talk about this as much as I hoped... my words became chiberish, making no sense at all, and when I thought I knew what to say I would forget... so here I am trying to make up for that little/to no talk we had...I find it easier for me to write it down then saying it..it might not be much buts its something...so here it goes.

First off I want to say that when I was handed these letters a big part of me was dreading it. Even though I acted all cool about it--in the inside I, honestly, wanted to forget about it. I was entirely afraid of what I would read, and I don't know why...

Secondly, I'm sorry that my drawing of him affected you like that. I knew it was going to make you cry but my intention was never to make you hurt that bad. I apologize and I promise I won't do it again. At the time (like I mentioned before), I already had something planned and I just thought that this was something right to do...I'm glad you liked it but, like I promised, this will be the last time.

Thirdly I'm glad that your happy with him. I kind of didn't like him (from what you told me before), but it is not my right to judge him from his past behaviors. From what I've seen on tumblr (yeah I noticed, I just don't mention it), i can tell how much you like him. I'm glad that your happy, that's all I ever wanted.

Fourthly I'm tired of hearing you say "sorry". It's a bit frustrating, not because I don't believe you but because I do. That doesn't really make sense...let me try to clarify. You honestly believe that you should be apologizing. You shouldn't. I should, but I won't...I wish I could, actually I probably already did in my other past posts, but now i'm just gonna stop. I wish I could apologize for Hurting you but like you said it wouldn't have gone much longer. I do feel like you tried, you tried to work it out for both of us. I wasn't the one who tried at all. If we were to rewind time it would've been the same thing over and over again. I would still break up with you because i'm a coward. A coward to my own feelings. The feelings I get scares me and my natural response is to hide it. I don't try to acknowledge them...Instead I try to ignore them. That's just me. I wish I wasn't like that.. but I just am. Between us, you tried harder than I did. Shoot, I didn't bothered trying. I took the easy way out. So i'm not going to apologize because I've grown tired of saying it... Sorry isn't enough of a word to tell you how much I wish it didn't went down like this.

Fifthly The jealous part...kind of lied..I was jealous of him for other reasons...like I said earlier, feelings can be a bit tricky to deal with. They just come and go without asking permission. I'm choosing to ignore them. With time it will get better.

Hey I'm really glad your happy :)

I'll make sure to update tomm.

First time drinking

I've been meaning to talk about my first drinking experience. I haven't told anybody (with details) expect Anderson, we both laughed lol. Anyways, let's get started... the following [like everything else that i write] contains major grammar errors...


So first off, my sister invited her friends to come over our place for the weekend. Well technically she invited them a long time ago and they all agreed to go on a specific weekend...let's just say all of them bailed on her except 2 of her friends. The one's who did came was Maria (who I know) and her boyfriend, Beto. When they arrived we decided to go hiking in the woods. WHICH WAS SUPER FUN! I actually managed to talk with them all and it was awesome. I wasn't shy at all. Then we headed to the beach, it was kind of cold but once we started hiking through the trails there, it started getting sunny and hot lol. OH! I forgot to mention that their was a dead seal on the beach. We even took a pic of it LMAO.


Any who! After the beach sis and moi took them to Carmelas(one of the few Mexican restaurants where we live)to eat; its one of our favorite restaurants. So when we got there, Maria and Beto said they were super hungry so they ordered a 'Burrito Loco'. Compared to a 'super burrito' the 'burrito loco' is H-U-M-O-N-G-O-U-S. We told them but they didn't believe us. They didn't manage to eat half of it LOL.


After we went home and just chilled and talked (A LOT). Later on, we ordered a pizza (best pizza in the city!) and on our way over there sis, Maria, and Beto wanted to stop by Bevmo (recently opened). Sis bought this Hurricane and zombie drink. Maria & Beto only got this Apple/Ale type of beers only since they already brought a bunch of vodka and tequila from home.


So we get home, eat, and then later we start to drink a bit. Beto would look at me and be like "Your going to get fucked up" and just end it with a smile. At first I didn't want to drink. The drinks were disgusting. I didn't understand why people would drink that stuff. But then Maria---who was already buzzing cuz she would just drink out of her vodka and tequila like nothing-- and my sis said that this was the only college experience i might ever get. And what better way to drink with people you trust? So I totally agreed. I was like "Fudge it".


At that point, Maria started making me my drinks. Bad move. LOL, this girl poor hella freaking vodka in my cup, and then she would put a jello shot that she made with even more vodka in it. Oh, and then they would tell me to chugg. And me being a go getter lol, start to chug it down....so this kept going on for a bit...and already my head was starting to get heavy.. in a non good way. When I got up, the whole place was tipping over. By then I cut myself off but it was kind of too late.


Beto at the time left us girls to sing and laugh while he took pics of our drunk-states and laughed at us. At some point I remember following Maria to the living room, where Beto had set up their bed. She fell on it and invited me to sleep with her, and so I totally took Beto's side. Aha he was all complaining while Maria and Me were talking jiberish to each other. So while we were talking dumb my sis and Beto were recording us. [Side note: sis didn't get as drunk as me cuz she knew how maria was when she cam eto drinks...which she never gave me a heads up -___- ]


At some point, while we were snuggling and falling asleep, Maria & moi asked for some ice cream sandwhiches. So leaving us in the bed sis and Beto went to Safeway to get em.


Biggest mistake they made.


After they left, Maria and Me started talking some deep stuff. I'm not kidding! At that point my head no longer felt like it was buzzing. It felt super numb and really good. Like you had no care in the world. So, back to where I was.... Maria and me start talking about our life. I never though I would find myself telling my secrets to a random person [although i hit it of with her, we werent close]... SO i told her some stuff and she told me some of her secrets. That moment I was happy we were drunk and my sis and Beto weren't there...it would've been bad....


So as we talk I realize that I got to go to the bathroom. I tell Maria this and she decides that she has to go as well. Having no choice since she already started wobbling to the bathroom, I wait for her to be done. She was taking so long and I felt my bladder was about to erupt any second, so I started rolling off the bed. I say rolling because it was so hard to get up and not fall over! So i'm all rolling/trying to crawl, when I hear her get out.


She come out alright but she doesnt come back to the livingroom. As i'm on the floor, I call her name and instead of an answer I hear the front door opening.


Somehow I managed to pull myself off the floor and while leaning on the walls I manage to see freaking Maria leaving the house all drunk!


I whispered yelled her name to come back but this girl didn't listen to me! she was making her way to god knows where! So being extra quite in making noise (i dont want to be caught since im underage lol!), i go outside and start pulling Maria back inside. Luckily there was nobody outside, cus this girl is putting up a fight!


I don't know how I did it, but I managed to pull her inside and lock the door. Once we were in she laid on the kitchen floor asking for Beto. I grab my cell and try to call my sis. Who tells me that their almost home and watch out for Maria.


That 'almost home' was taking forever, so I start texting her and maria is telling me to call her 'gay' (which i did >.> ..I WAS DRUNK!) and we both start laughing on the floor like freakin hyenas. And then apparently I started texting other people -___-


so sis and Beto are taking forever to get back, and then out of no where i feel like throwing up. I knew I wasting going to make it to the bathroom and I sure as heck didn't want to throw up on both of us. I grabbed onto the sink, pulled myself up and threw up all the pizza i ate earlier. I threw up two times and on the second time i called sis, which my cell fell in the sink >___> (still doesnt work). I grabbed it and 'cleaned' it and told maria. We both laughed. I call sis (at the time cell still worked) and she was like "almost there".


Feeling my stomach empty I go back to the floor where I see maria looking up in the ceiling with some liquid in her mouth. Common sense kicks in, and I realize she was throwing up. I remembered in health class saying to put a drunk person on their side so they wouldn't choke on their vomit. So I did, and she threw up all over the floor. I call sis again and her response is the same although with a new twist to it. She told me to clean it up.


Right then I was too drunk to care about touching vomit, so I tried my best to pick up marias mess while she started crying out of where on the floor. Once down, I pulled her in a kneeling position, got in front of her and tried my best to clean some of the throw up she had on her face and sweater...apparently i smeared it even more and made it worse LOL.


Finally, when Beto and sis came back we were on the floor again (they say). And somehow I was in the toilet trying to throw up again o.0 Sis and Beto then gave Maria a shower and put her to sleep afterwards, while I took my shower once I started sobering up. Sis told me that at one point I was starting to cry as well telling her that I was worse than my brother and her. And she asked me what did I mean but I wouldn't tell her.... oh and then every once in awhile i kept referring Maria as my Bff. lol!!!


As I came back to the reality with a massive headache and really bad taste in my mouth, I realized that I wasn't as fudged up as Maria (thankfully). That girl was passed out on the bed. Beto was laughing at me and saying how he should've left his camera and recorded it >.>


To rap things up (I wrote a lot, the next day we still had a bunch of alcohol and they wanted to play beer pong. I had no choice since Beto threaten me LOL. No lie either! I had Maria as my partner, I was good at first then I got too cocky LOL... Anyway I made Maria take more drinks from me heheeeee. She was already getting drunk, I was getting buzzed so I cut myself before it got worse lol. All in all I learned that say no to peer pressure unless his name is Beto u better do it LOL jk?, vomiting sucks, alcohol is disgusting, I get buzz super quickly, I laugh when Im drunk (and act stupid), and im a twitcher (my eye twitches wen i drink).

That boy

Before I took a nap, I started thinking about this dude in H.S named Adrian. I had him for a specific class..which I totally forgot. Anyways he was a very umm you could say energetic person? Something that I wasn't at all. I was really shy in that class since I didn't know anybody and I sat all the way in the back. And he,of,course decided to sit next to me. At first I was really scared, because he was one of those peeps that if he had a problem with you he would outright say it. I never confronted someone before and the idea of doing that scared me. Anyways we sat together, and I remember he asked for binder paper and after that he would start talking to me. I wasn't me when I talked to him, in other words, I was still shy. You could totally tell by the sound of my voice. Any who we talked, and usually I would agree with him just to be friendly lol. After that semester was over I never had him for any other classes. Although my last class was in the same building as his, so after the bell rang we would almost bumped into each other. And when we did I was always surprised that he remembered me.

Later on, he found me on Myspace (fb wasn't as popular yet) and I would find myself chatting with him every night about random stuff. I really enjoyed it, I never usually talked to boy (even if its online). We talked a lot that he even said that he thought I was cute. Never in my life had I had a boy call me cute. Of course I was freaking out! And then I remember how he said that on the last day of the semester he really wanted to kiss me. Even though I was blushing (luckily he couldn't see) I asked him where? And he was like on the cheek, because I was scared that you would slap me if I kissed you on the mouth. My response was Your probably right, after the shock that is. We continued talking about that and at some point he asked me out. Once Again i was shocked, a boy had asked me out! I was really happy and excited but then also I was bummed out. First off I couldn't go out, especially with a boy and secondly I was too insecure about myself (still am). After that we still talked but then it started become less and less. Soon he deleted his myspace.

It kind of sucked but I was able to move along.
Even if it was a small experience with a boy, I really enjoyed it..Idk why I started thinking about him. It was so long ago, I never really told anybody, I felt like it was my little secret to keep haha.

The Truth In Words Hurt

My sis got angry today and yelled at me. The things she said hurt me really bad.... It hurt because they were so true... their was a point in her yelling that I wanted to scream, "I WISH I WAS DEAD!"
I don't know how I managed to stop myself, I seriously felt my lips starting to form the words...and yet I stopped...now We aren't speaking to each other and I still want to cry. I don't want to study or do my ES take-home midterm...I just want to curl up and cry...and maybe even a little pain in the process just so I could feel more shitty about myself...i can't though...I guess ima just write about some other stuff to get distracted... i guess...

stupidity

I forgot how much a little scratch hurts.....now i need to distract myself before i do something incredibly stupid...

I'm tired of thinking about others. I know it's selfish of me to say this but honestly I don't care right now. The more I think about a friend, the more it hurts me...I wish I wasn't like that but I am...

What I like about myself?

Absolutely nothing.

Gave up

My sis told me to study for my Zool final I have tomm...but what she doesn't know is that I stopped going to that class a long time ago. I just gave up on it and wasted my $ for nothing. So now i'm lying that i'm going to take it when in reality i'm just gonna hang out at the library...

hang out

I don't usually go out and hang with friends. So the few times I get invited, I get really happy and excited....sometimes I don't end up going, so it literally breaks my heart...this might be the case for these invites :/

Fears

• Not being good enough of a daughter/sister/friend
• not becoming a vet (or not having any successful career in general)
• wasting $ in college for nothing
• doing something stupid
• not getting married/not having a family (and IF I ever do have a family, not being good enough for them)
• people not liking me
• getting uglier 
• society
• my thoughts
• becoming even more negative
• "falling in love"
• everyone forgetting about me
• etc

Challenge?

So as you can see I haven't been writing as much as I did anymore. Which really sucks, writing usually helps me feel a tad bit better. So I decided that from now on I'm going to write at least once a day. Even if its one sentence, i'm still going to write something.

Night= Open

I'm not much of a 'talk about my feelings' kind of person. I mean when it comes to talking to someone about them I just can't. It's really hard of me to do. I grew up with a family that's close off when it comes to their feelings. We just keep quiet, so I've always been like that. Although their are moments when I really want to but just can't seem to speak. It's as if i'm tongue tied. So I just shut up and keep it to myself.

And yet somehow I'm really talkative and open during the night. It's weird, I just start yapping about my feelings. I may not do it with family but with friends I do. It's not like i'm doing it intentionally, its as if my once tongue tied problem is no longer tied up. Really, what is it about the Night that makes me so open when during the day I'm closed off as hell....

way out

Did you know I carry a razor blade in my backpack? I never told anyone this before because if I did i'm pretty sure they'll worry...they shouldn't...well I hope not anytime soon...
Why do I carry it around me? Because in a very messed up way I like the feeling of knowing i have a way out if it ever gets to bad.....

Screw It

  I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Not because i'm sad and want to hurt myself, but more like I want to just go back to those bad habits. I'm already screwing up in school why not just screw my body once again? I know this is utterly stupid of me but lately I've been so freaking negative that I have started to say "screw it" to everything else.Why not just say "screw it" to this too?  

It hurts to know that i'm not important

    I'm not going to go into specifics about this...but I saw a post where it literally broke me. It didn't help that my sister rubbed it in. I'm pretty sure they didn't mean it like that and i'm probably (like always) making a big deal out of this...but the fact is that is still hurt seeing how unimportant I am. I already knew no one thought about me but seeing it is just another level of hurt....I never thought I would cry over something simple like that post, but I did. It cut deep....

Dulce

     Something else I want to talk about Is my Yorkie Dulce. I haven't talked about her on here, it's always hard to talk about her without crying. If you don't have an idea by now...she died. On September 28, 2013 to be precise; a week before my birthday...

    Losing her was really hard on our family. She was a big part of us. She slept with us, dined with us, followed  us...she was like another family member. And losing her was like losing another part of us. It left a hole in our house. Let's just say the house hasn't been the same without her...

    We don't cry anymore...but every time we talk about all the cute/funny/frustrating things she would do we would find our eyes tearing up with the happy memories. We know she's gone, but sometimes we find ourselves saying stuff like "Close the door before Dulce gets out" or when we enter the house our first immediate response is to call her name...but then we stop ourselves half way and have to remember that she's in a better place.

   But even so it's still hard... We miss her a lot. And it sucks, especially for sis and me, that we didn't get to see her for one last time....

It'll get better they say..Lies (College Life)

I talked about my College Life already, but I never throughly talked about my social life in College. I'm pretty sure since my last post you get the point that I have NO friends at all. A little bit more than a year and still I don't have anyone. I've been meaning to talk about this because honestly its been bothering me for quite some time now. Actually, every stinking day it feels like a jab to the heart whenever I see people talking/hanging out so freely with others. I hate it. And when I try to forget about it and try to not remind myself how miserable I am here, I see posts on social networks of others who are having fun in their college with their friends. I shouldn't be feeling jealous but I do. I can't help it. I envy them for having a friend or 2. I envy them for having the college experience, even if it means that they may have some troubles with others, I still envy that. I want that, I want to laugh with another person. Shoot I want to get angry with them when I think their being unreasonable!

I just want someone to acknowledge me here. I'm tired of feeling lonely and pathetic. I know I have my sister and she's my only friend here (she doesn't have friends either which I bet she understands this feeling too), but sometimes being with my sister can be too much (she even agrees). It would be nice to have a break once in awhile with someone else.

Sure I had study buddies, or talked to one classmate in a class but never do we hang out of class. The few times I asked other peeps numbers, we never hit it off. I feel like I'm bothering them and when I see them on fb I noticed they have peeps of their own already. And that's another thing, they already have a group of friends. I'm just an outcast that doesn't belong.....

I just wish my college life was better than this...