I no longer try to keep in touch with anyone, I try to act okay with my family but the dark humor has slipped out more then once. Now my mom is worried that I might commit suicide one of these days. She has expressed her thoughts a couple of times and I try to laugh through it. My sister has also commented on it. I joked with her and told her that nothing is wrong, but I think deep down she knows the truth.
Last week I hanged out with my friend for her bday and stayed the night. At first I thought it was just the two of us but a few of her other friends came and I was very quite. Not because I didnt want them there, just listening to their conversations made me realize how far apart we were and yet they were all going through their own hardships.
It made me sad to realize that everyone is depressed and it made me feel guilty for feeling selfish. I wish I couldve been the adult and bring forth some kind of hopeful words
....but their is no hope. After so many years I'm still on the path of wanting to kill myself.
So instead of words of encouragement, I just tried new forms of smoking and just drank. It helped to stop the endless sadness but only for that night. I dont want to rely on smoking like so many others do, not because its bad but manly I just hate the lingering smell of skunk (haha).
I dont want to go back to drinking, i just dont feel like it's enough. I want to feel dull but at the same time more shitty about myself....I lowkey want to go back to hurting myself. It's been awhile since I've felt this itch....I dont know... I just need to hurt more.
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