A part of life

Is this what a heartbreak feels? 

It sucks soooo much…..

 I thought i was getting better…. But I’m only getting worse… my mind is telling me that once I decide to go through with it I will be successful…. 

It doesn’t matter

 Sometimes I wonder 

Does it really matter? 

What’s the point of holding on? 

Nothing ever goes right, I’m no longer passionate about life everything just irritates and makes me sad. 

Lately I feel like it’s okay to let go. Life isn’t meant for me, I’m just a shell looking out into the world. Nothing matters anymore…..

Doesn't matter

 These days  I've been coming to terms to who I am. I am just an individual who doesnt know how to function in life and that's okay. Honestly it doesnt matter. I am no one. And I dont mean that in a negative way  I genuinely feel this way. I am not important and it doesnt matter how my future unfolds. Of course I still care about those around me but I no longer care what happens to me. Like not to be a dream killer, but we all die eventually. I'm going to die either tommorrow, next week , in couple of months or even years from now. I dint find myself having any goals to chase in life. I just want to live in the moment, do whatever I feel like and be whoever I want. I will always have issues and that's okay.

It continues

 This emptiness hurts. Theirs a darkness inside that eats me alive. I dont know how to stop it, I only managed to prolong it. I'm not quite sure how much longer and how much would be left of me. 

Make it stop

 I cant take it.

Something inside of me is broken 

There are moments when I think I'm fine only to figure out that I'm lying to myself

I cant stop crying 

I feel this endless pain

I wish it were physical so I could just slap a bandage and watch it heal

But this pain is invisible and rooted deep inside me. It is a part of me, a disease of sorts that has continued to grow throughout the years. 

It hasnt gotten better, only worse. 

How much longer will I live like this? 

How much longer can I take this? 

Can I please just let go....

Heartbreak

 Why does my heart feel like its breaking? 

I always assumed that one goes through it when their in a relationship of some kind. Yet as I lay here empty with silent tears,  I feel something inside of me breaking into pieces. I want to throw up, but I cant move. This feeling isnt physical painful, yet it still hurts. 

My chest wants to seize my every breath as my hearts shatters into millions of pieces. My mind feels like its going insane yet my body is paralyzed. 

The only thoughts in my head are about releasing this pain with a more physical one. I know I shouldnt but I feel like I need to... 

Gibberish

This feeling hasnt changed in the past months. Everyday it gets harder to breathe. I feel like I'm a walking doll. 

I no longer try to keep in touch with anyone, I try to act okay with my family but the dark humor has slipped out more then once. Now my mom is worried that I might commit suicide one of these days. She has expressed her thoughts a couple of times and I try to laugh through it. My sister has also commented on it. I joked with her and told her that nothing is wrong, but I think deep down she knows the truth. 

Last week I hanged out with my friend for her bday and stayed the night. At first I thought it was just the two of us but a few of her other friends came and I was very quite. Not because I didnt want them there, just listening to their conversations made me realize how far apart we were and yet they were all going through their own hardships. 

It made me sad to realize that everyone is depressed and it made me feel guilty for feeling selfish. I wish I couldve been the adult and bring forth some kind of hopeful words

....but their is no hope. After so many years I'm still on the path of wanting to kill myself. 

So instead of words of encouragement, I just tried new forms of smoking and just drank. It helped to stop the endless sadness but only for that night. I dont want to rely on smoking like so many others do, not because its bad but manly I just hate the lingering smell of skunk (haha). 

I dont want to go back to drinking, i just dont feel like it's enough. I want to feel dull but at the same time more shitty about myself....I lowkey want to go back to hurting myself. It's been awhile since I've felt this itch....I dont know... I just need to hurt more. 

How much longer

I'm losing it. I can no longer find any meaning in staying. 

Each day the phrase, "I can't do this anymore" keeps resurfacing in my mind. 

All my life I've been looking for a purpose. My family/friends/pets have always been that purpose but now I cant help but be selfish and think to myself, "do I even have a purpose?"

No. I don't. This is it. I genuinely cant see myself anywhere. 

There isnt a bright side...

This isn't Goodbye

 I always pictured myself writing this in my head. I always reversed the words I would write down, the reasoning behind my actions and how I could lessen the pain on you, my loved ones. I realized that no amount of words will lessen the pain. 

All I can say is that I'm sorry. I wish I couldve been stronger for you. I know for a fact that you all loved me. Don't think about what you couldve done and don't blame yourselves. It was never your guys fault, I chose this path. I made these selfish decisions. I wish their was a way my actions wouldnt hurt you. I know I couldve gotten help....but I didnt, I chose that, and for that I am sorry. I had the best life I couldve ever asked for, you guys gave me everything. Thank you for being my family and friends. Thank you for sticking with me in the good and bad times. And if we ever fought, those were just heated moments with no importance. Think of the good times we always had. 

And know that although I'm not physically here, I will always be by your side.

This isnt goodbye but more of a see you later. 

I love you Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, my nieces, my friends 

And everyone else who was a part of my life, thank you. 

Elizabeth 

 

(Note: just a letter I always wanted to write to myself)

How much longer?

 It's been getting worse, my old habits are resurfacing. Reading isnt enough to keep the demons at bay. I cant do art, cant read, cant sleep, cant do anything. I'm feeling utterly hopeless again... the random crying fits are overwhelming....I feel so many emotions being shoved down my throat at an incredible speed. I feel too much and I hate it. My stomach becomes twisted from the fullness and I just want to throw up. I know it doesnt make sense but for me it literally feels like only a few pieces are holding me together.... I dont know how long I will last 

Drunk rant

I've been drinking more often now, thisnisnt good. Last time this happened I started breaking down and telling myself to kill myself. My evil thoughts surfaced and tried to take over. I held the bottle in one hand and the blade in the other, trying to convince myself that it was fir the best .

I told myself I woulnt go back to that time, but ever since I graduated from school, reality has been horrible  I cant no longer distract myself.

The one thing I enjoyed, art, has no longer filled me with joy. I have no inspiration. All I want to do is drink so much that I can finally have the guts to hurt myself. Because I know sober me wont do it. I want to self sabatoge to the point where I finally finish what I started.... I'm scared of myself rig ht now.

Tomm I actually have a phone call appt with a doctor to discuss my mental health
I realized hes a male doctor. I was already uncomfortable to talk about my issues, bow I feel even more uncomfortable talking to a male adult. I feel like he will tell me it's all in me head.

I'm hoping to get anti depressants
Ik m hoping that will help somewhat...
I do t want to go down this rode again, because if I do I might not come back from it

I dont think I'm living, everyday I feel cold and empty. What's the point really? Nothing is worth it, I'm slowly dying even if I keep goin. I should just put a stop to it....sooner rather than later

I'm still the same  with many issues that IU hope one day  will leave me. I'm sorry for being this way. I wish I could change and be happy. I'm still the same  hopefully omw day it will get better...if nit  I hope to die quickly

Liar

I'm a good Liar. 

Everyone thinks I'm a happy person. Sometimes I find myself believing it too. That should be a good thing right? Believing a lie is easy but as the days go by I have to face reality. I'm not happy nor a positive person. I'm the complete opposite. No matter how much I try to tell myself that it will get better, the fact is it wont. Life might but I wont. I will always be the same. A negative person with a very positive lie coming out of her mouth. I honestly dont see a future for myself, I keep telling myself 5 (4 soon) more years and everything will be okay. Or so I tell myself..... 

Old habits never die

I'm cutting again.

Sad

Lately I've been trying to self sabotage. I dont know why I'm doing this to myself, but the feeling of wanting to break down and ruin myself has become strong. Crying is no longer an easy way out for me, I NEED to feel a new type of pain. Cutting and alcohol isnt taking this itch away...sometimes I wish I could just smoke...now I've been adding melatonin in the mix. A lil at a time....I dont know what I'm doing anymore....I just know that I dont want to feel like this anymore...

Unwelcome

That feeling is coming back, it was to be expected....yet...why do I feel so surprised?

A part of me hoped that I was finally able to grow from my past experiences, but here I am falling apart. Past me knew this feeling will never go away completely yet future me was so hopeful of embarking a new path. Present me is slowly coming to terms with reality. I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to embark in any sort of dream I may have. I'm just going to be the same girl who's just trying to take another breath each passing day. A girl that only dreams and never acts. A girl with no hope.

It's been bugging me lately

I wanted to help contribute to the club, but the amount of hate amongst certain members is making me annoyed. I dont like labeling my sexual orientation especially when I feel like I MUST have an answer. I'm still exploring and find myself liking people for who they are really. It's TRUE that I'm more physically attractive to guys and not women. Yet I dated a girl because I genuinely liked her for who she was/is and then I just found myself being captivated by her. I noticed that the girls I liked so far in my life, was built on friendship. As I grew to know them I found something special that made me like them. While one was a shorter crush, my ex (no matter how short we lasted) was honestly one of a kind girl. I know that sometimes my family's religious views hinder me, and its something I'm not sure I will learn to deal with as of now. But for now I just want to explore who I am without having to explain myself to others. 

I might sound stupid and rude but I just need to rant...its been awhile 

FUCK OFF

School doesn't mater anymore, I give up. I don't care anymore
Life hates me and I hate it