Showing posts with label descisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label descisions. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2018
Repeat
This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
mad at myself
(Contains errors)
Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....
Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...
I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.
As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!
My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!
Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....
Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...
I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.
As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!
My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!
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