Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts. 

Dulce

     Something else I want to talk about Is my Yorkie Dulce. I haven't talked about her on here, it's always hard to talk about her without crying. If you don't have an idea by now...she died. On September 28, 2013 to be precise; a week before my birthday...

    Losing her was really hard on our family. She was a big part of us. She slept with us, dined with us, followed  us...she was like another family member. And losing her was like losing another part of us. It left a hole in our house. Let's just say the house hasn't been the same without her...

    We don't cry anymore...but every time we talk about all the cute/funny/frustrating things she would do we would find our eyes tearing up with the happy memories. We know she's gone, but sometimes we find ourselves saying stuff like "Close the door before Dulce gets out" or when we enter the house our first immediate response is to call her name...but then we stop ourselves half way and have to remember that she's in a better place.

   But even so it's still hard... We miss her a lot. And it sucks, especially for sis and me, that we didn't get to see her for one last time....

BFF is not always forever

They never last... It's sad how friendship from when we were young can break apart so easily....we were so innocent back then...and now we are not... A part of me wishes to go back to the old days...just a small tiny part...

1/08/07

Dear Diary,

I'm really sad these couple of days. Why? well because when i got home from Mexico; My sis told me that they took all my cats to the pound. I really miss Ellen, Tiger, Gonzilla, and Puma. Sometimes at night i hear cats meowing...i told my mom to take me one of these days to the pound to see if they got adopted and if so to make sure they have a happy life. My mom said sure but i dont believe her.

-draws picture of the cats = me heartbroken-

Comment: My mother never took me. And i never found out if they were adopted or what... i hope they were... i hope the peeps didnt kill them... i stil miss them. i wish i had never gone to mexico...if i hadnt i wouldve been able to protect them...but i didnt..and because of me their gone...