Can't help hating my body

Just recently I started working out. I started jogging/walking on our machine and then I would do some small workouts for my arms and then I would do insanity with my sis. I wasn't planning on working out during summer break. It wasn't until I kept looking at one of my recent pics I took of me wearing a sleeveless shirt and then comparing It to other people's pics. I knew I shouldn't have done that because all it was lower my self esteem even more, yet I decided to do it. And of course I didn't like how I look. The day I went to the beach wearing a sleeveless shirt for the first time was a big step for me. I NEVER wear them in public. It's too embarrassing since my shoulders/ arms are hideously big. Well during that beach day I was panicking, I always thought someone was judging me even though they weren't. In the end I managed to spend the day happy. I forgot about my arms and I even let my sis take pics of me. Well the high for that day passed and soon my insecurities hit me back hard. And so now I continue to stare at my body/looks and I just can't help being disgusted with my own skin. I can't help wondering why I was born like this. And so I finally decided to start working out, hoping that one day I would look better and wear the clothes I always wanted to wear without feeling ugly. I know I shouldn't care about how I look but I just do....

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Sad truth: Beauty is everything....

I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not, even if some peeps say I am. I don't believe them because every time I look in the mirror I see an ugly person staring back. And it doesn't help that now-a-days society see's beauty as everything. I'm always comparing myself to those who were born pretty. Outer beauty is more important than inner beauty. That's just the honest truth. No matter how you try to look at it, peeps always take into consideration the outer beauty of a person. I know it shouldn't get to me, but seriously it's hard to ignore. My whole life I grew up believing that in order to be happy, you needed to be beautiful. And because of that I became insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish I could have been born pretty; I wish I could change even now.....but the sad reality is that that won't ever happen. I'm never going to be beautiful no matter how much I wish. I need to get use to this....

10/18/06

Dear Diary,

At night, I was crying because my sister (Rozanna) kept telling me i'm fat and bad words like always. Man sometimes i wish she wasnt my sister, but i love her. Somethings i say to her i dont mean them. But i wonder if she means it me..?? i hope not....

-draws picture of sister + her = Friend/sister-

Comment: I had -and still have- low self esteem. I still think im ugly and i know im fat... its never going to change... and my sis is sometimes mean to me but i try to ignore it.. i still love her though, no matter what...