i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Special Friend

   Tonight was a long one. I just finished Talking to my friend, Anderson. We talked for 3 and a half hours....soo long that we didn't even notice that it was already dark outside. We talked about so many things that could relate to anyone who worries about their future. It was a very nice and interesting conversation. So nice that it made me realize (as we talked) that I found that special friend I always wanted. I had him in front of me all this time but i never noticed until now. I remembered one of my diary entries from when i was a child ( 2/1/06); at that time i said "I hope later on I find  a truly friend that have the same in common & doesn't get annoy. i don't know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope So. :(".
      Anderson also wants to become a vet but that's not the reason why i see him as a special friend. He's always making sure to keep in touch. He doesn't want to lose our friendship and is always txting me everyday even when i take days to answer him, he continues to literally blow up my cell. He shows me that he's still there for me even if i want it or not. And for some reason he wants to actually talk to me. It warms my heart knowing that he doesn't find me annoying (yet lol?). If i were little again, i would have never imagine that special friend to be a guy especially. This is the first time i ever had a close guy friend. And im sooo happy that he was the one. I feel so close to him, i dont want that to ever change. Im not interested in him like THAT (He's gay[which is not the point, but felt like pointing out]), i feel like i have another brother. One that i can talk about life in general. Although their r some stuff that i still havent told him about myself. Im afraid that if i do, he might see me differently and i dont want that.... but yet for some reason i wanna tell him so many things and i hope he can see how much he means to me. I love that fool a tons. He's part of my family like the rest of my closer friends. I hope we continue to be close as the days go by.

Looking for Hope...

      Their are times in my life when i just want to let go; give up really. I want to just disappear from this world and never come back. But even with these thoughts a part of me is desperately trying to hold on to something worth while. That small part of me doesn't want to let go, because for some insane reason it still believes that things can turn out better...well, that's what i tell myself. Maybe that small part of me is just to scared to leave everything behind, even when it knows that it  should. Or maybe i'm just looking for attention? ...but if that's the case, then where is that attention then? I don't see anybody worrying about me or trying to help..and the ones that do try a bit--I just end up pushing them away. So i don't really think I am looking for attention... I guess what i'm really looking for is a sign...a sign telling me that I won't be the failure that i'm already starting to be. A sign that shows that I will become a better person a life... A sign saying that not everything  turns out for the worst...All in all, I just want a sign to show me that I DO have a purpose in life. Because right now, I don't feel like I do... I really feel useless and without hope.....

Lonely

I cried tonight. I cried for a stupid selfish reason. I cried because of my loneliness. I feel like i have no one. And when i semi do, i still feel like they will never truly understand how lonesome i am. Im so use to not talking to peeps off school days, not going anywhere but staying refuged in my room, not having anyone remeber you and be like "hey she's a cool person. I wonder if she/he wants to tag along?". dont think anyone truly understands until they've been there. I just feel so alone. So not worth it in this world. I asked God today to give me a sign if their was anything worth fighting for. Other than my family and few friends, i just dont find anything worth it anymore. I just dont. You know i just want to end it. So many opportunities i had/have...but i dont.. why you ask? Because i guess for some stupid reason i still have hope that everything will turn out to be better in the end...

So much easier

School is coming and im still not feeling good... i've been feeling really depressed now a days.. i sometimes consider taking these strong depression pills my mom has.. she doesnt take it sometimes so yeah im not sure... I did do it once though. I had the pill in my hand and i was literally scared because of the sideeffects... but i just couldnt take the down feeling i had and it was so late... i just wanted it to be over with... so i closed my eyes and swallowed that pill down. Sure i was still freaking out but i did it and i went to bed and closed my eyes waiting it to kick in. To not feel like shit anymore... i felt weird for a bit but i think it worked..soon i was able to calm down and have a better night sleep...so now i WANT to take them. I wish i had money to get my own...

3/1/11

Dear Journal,

Its been soooo long...so long that its already 2011..so many things have happened and i want to tell them to you. Well first of all i started somewhat hurting myself again. I did two in my arm and on my chest/wrist..well yeah i made a tumblr account where i put all of my depressed feelings and issues i had/have. Well everything was going good until Ritz & guada found it. Quite obvious since its 'SWEETBLOOD'. Well G hasnt read my older posts... hopefully... but R did. She confronted me in our folder. and well i felt shitty... it was very sad..but then we talked about it some more and things got a little bit better...but sometimes i wonder if she read the posts were i said i liked G...because now i LIKE her. Im not sure if its something like i felt toward G..it feels a whole lot different... from any of my other crushes... recently i have felt her more... like when she would get closer and i feel myself flushing from her near proxomity... im soo confused!

COMMENT: i havent hurt myself in a while... even though i sometimes want to i just dont..i have self control... im trying to keep it like that.. about R..i still like her... its november now... wow i have to say she's been my longest crush... and i just cant get her out of my head.. their was a while wen i locked my feelings away since she had a boyfriend... and she wouldnt hang out dat much with Anderson and me..even though i missed her it became easier to not think of her like that..but then she broke up with him and i started to notice things.. and it turned out she likes me too... i part of me is really happy to know that but another is sad because their cant be anything b/t us since i would only hurt her in the end... no matter how much i wish... anyways till this day i still like her... she's truely a great person... anyones lucky to be with her... :/

11/14/08

Dear Diary,

Its been a long time since i've written in my diary. Hella years i would say. I believe i was 11 or 12 yrs old since i last written to you. I am 14 and attend EHS---WHICH SUCKS! to tell ya the truth. I wish i could change the past and attend weber with my other friends: Jessica, Guada, and Vanessa. I know it doesnt seem a lot but for me it is. I dont know if it's me or the school -probably me- but i dont seem to care about my school work that much. I feel like a dumb girl surrounded by smart people, i feel unwanted. I hid my progress report from my parents -which i know is wrong- i didnt want to disappoint them. They had so much confidence in me but i failed them... i dont like EHS!!! I hate it!!

I want to change to weber but what happens if its much worse than i imagined? I hope not... but other than that i want to get out of EHS. I hang out during lunch with one person, Bianca. My mom's best friends' daughter. Bianca and me have the same classes except for 2pd & 6pd. Well yeah, me and her hand out all the time. I guess you can say we have one another. But my fear is that if she is sick one day im going to be alone in lunch.

Oh also im falling in love with characters from my books (fantasy/horror/romance) espeacially from the twilight saga. It's the MOST AWESOME book ever! Well yeah i'm in love with the main character Edward. He's a gentlement and also Emmett, the strong funny person, oh and Jacob, impatient, cute hardworking person. The funny thing is that Edward and Emmett are Vampires (good) and Jacob is a werewolf (good too). I know i'm young and all but i wonder if im ever going to find a gentlement that will love me for who i am and that i will love; but he has to treat me with kindness and he has to be quite funny. Or at least cute, smart, and hardworking, i guess looks shouldnt matter, the only thing that matters is that he cares/ loves me. And vice versa. I keep having dreams of how i may fall in love or about how I want my life to be...Anywho i've been depressed like always, i feel like dying sometimes. My life isnt fun or important. I want to be something awesome in life....like a hero or something but that's only in fairytales...anyways i dont want myfamily to suffer with my death. I just start saying crap but never really mean it cause it would be a scary expierence. So im excited about twilight being released into theatres in Nov. 21 (a friday). A week from now!! I've seen the trailers, i actually cried! IM SO EXCITED!! ahahahahaha!!! Well it's time to go to bed. I'll try to write as soon as possible. I might need someone to talk to even though they arent real. Peace.

Comment: I still dont like my High school but its my last year there and im scared about college now D: ..anyway Bianca is an awesome friend! sadly though she moved and wasnt with me in sophmore yr. I hanged out with another friend but sometimes i would be alone during lunch trying not to cry.... But now i hang out with more peeps and their fun!... sooo as u can see i got obsessed with Twilight. I am still (somewhat) and I perfer Emmett than the other two :D lolz. Thanks to twilight i started to be a book worm. I love it....back then i was depressed and i still am today... i still debate about death..but i still wont do it....because i dont want others to suffer... oh and im watching breaking dawn tommorrow!!! xD EXCITED!! Ps. i misspelled a lot!!