What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

Couldn't sleep last night

For some reason I kept thinking about the past, particularly on my first girl crush...It was such a random thought, I was just remembering how I couldn't stop thinking about them and how I always wanted to be closer...and how I would make excuses just to be closer to her. It was a crazy moment for me, and I still don't know why I was so heads over heels over her. I wonder if I was exaggerating too much. I mean now i don't see her like that, but I still can't understand why I was attracted to her. That's why I couldn't fall asleep, I was relieving every moment I had with her and wondering why...i'm still not sure why.

Night= Open

I'm not much of a 'talk about my feelings' kind of person. I mean when it comes to talking to someone about them I just can't. It's really hard of me to do. I grew up with a family that's close off when it comes to their feelings. We just keep quiet, so I've always been like that. Although their are moments when I really want to but just can't seem to speak. It's as if i'm tongue tied. So I just shut up and keep it to myself.

And yet somehow I'm really talkative and open during the night. It's weird, I just start yapping about my feelings. I may not do it with family but with friends I do. It's not like i'm doing it intentionally, its as if my once tongue tied problem is no longer tied up. Really, what is it about the Night that makes me so open when during the day I'm closed off as hell....

Why Am I So Negative?

Ever since I was a child I would always be negative. I never really saw the bright side in a situation. To me there was NO bright side. And in a way I still feel like that. Theirs no light waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. It's only a pit of darkness that is awaiting to swallow me hole....I don't know why i do this to myself. I don't understand what happened to me to make me such a negative person. All i know is that this negativity of mine will never leave me be. I don't see myself being positive...i really don't.
Although, I do "hope that the light wins" (my teacher's comment on my psychological picture).