Anderson

It's been awhile since I skyped with my close friend, Anderson. It's funny how every time I txt him about wanting to Skype I hesitate because I'm unsure of what we are going to talk about....and yet when we start talking we some how manage to keep the conversation flowing. It makes me really happy being able to talk openly with him. I'm actually comfortable with where our conversations go...and yet why is it so hard to tell him about some specific stuff? There are specific stuff I really want to talk to him about... one was about my self harm problem and the other was about the girl I had(ve) mix feelings on... so many chances I had tonight to bring it up. I was so freaking close to just blurring it out and yet I didn't. I held my tongue. I know I can count on him, so why is it that I hold back on these 2 (and other) subjects?
I guess you could say I'm afraid that he would look at me differently or maybe I'm afraid that he will feel betrayed because I wasn't able to trust him....
I don't know...I just know that I REALLY want to tell him but at the same time I'm scared to do it.

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Unreliable

Its disappointing that I can't attend my friends special day. I can't go to Ritz Baptist or Guada's 20th b-day...just because I live so fucking far. Ugh, I still hate myself about choosing this school. Nothing good has happened here, if I would've just stayed back home I wouldn't have wasted so much money or taken money from my parents (they barely have enough for themselves...) and I could've still had the company of my few friends....I could of even gone to these special events! But no, i had to choose this god awful place. Now i'm stuck here for awhile more and I've become an even more unreliable friend. Although I guess the unreliable part shouldn't be a surprise, I'm never there for my friends. I'm such a useless human being...

12.2 | 12.13

I wasn't able to talk about this as much as I hoped... my words became chiberish, making no sense at all, and when I thought I knew what to say I would forget... so here I am trying to make up for that little/to no talk we had...I find it easier for me to write it down then saying it..it might not be much buts its something...so here it goes.

First off I want to say that when I was handed these letters a big part of me was dreading it. Even though I acted all cool about it--in the inside I, honestly, wanted to forget about it. I was entirely afraid of what I would read, and I don't know why...

Secondly, I'm sorry that my drawing of him affected you like that. I knew it was going to make you cry but my intention was never to make you hurt that bad. I apologize and I promise I won't do it again. At the time (like I mentioned before), I already had something planned and I just thought that this was something right to do...I'm glad you liked it but, like I promised, this will be the last time.

Thirdly I'm glad that your happy with him. I kind of didn't like him (from what you told me before), but it is not my right to judge him from his past behaviors. From what I've seen on tumblr (yeah I noticed, I just don't mention it), i can tell how much you like him. I'm glad that your happy, that's all I ever wanted.

Fourthly I'm tired of hearing you say "sorry". It's a bit frustrating, not because I don't believe you but because I do. That doesn't really make sense...let me try to clarify. You honestly believe that you should be apologizing. You shouldn't. I should, but I won't...I wish I could, actually I probably already did in my other past posts, but now i'm just gonna stop. I wish I could apologize for Hurting you but like you said it wouldn't have gone much longer. I do feel like you tried, you tried to work it out for both of us. I wasn't the one who tried at all. If we were to rewind time it would've been the same thing over and over again. I would still break up with you because i'm a coward. A coward to my own feelings. The feelings I get scares me and my natural response is to hide it. I don't try to acknowledge them...Instead I try to ignore them. That's just me. I wish I wasn't like that.. but I just am. Between us, you tried harder than I did. Shoot, I didn't bothered trying. I took the easy way out. So i'm not going to apologize because I've grown tired of saying it... Sorry isn't enough of a word to tell you how much I wish it didn't went down like this.

Fifthly The jealous part...kind of lied..I was jealous of him for other reasons...like I said earlier, feelings can be a bit tricky to deal with. They just come and go without asking permission. I'm choosing to ignore them. With time it will get better.

Hey I'm really glad your happy :)

I'm jealous...

I have no right to feel this way...but I do

Miss

I've been feeling weird lately... not suicidal wise..i'm talking about friend wise. I've been missing my friends a lot, but truthfully i've been missing one particular friend more. We don't really talk a lot. I'm always talking with An. Once in awhile I txt her because I genuinely want to know how she is. We use to be very close in H.S and I guess I miss that (or so i keep telling myself). I'm always hoping that she'll txt me out of the blue so we can catch up. And when that doesnt happen (at times) I sometimes don't try to txt her because I feel like i'm a) annoying her or b) I'll hurt her. So I don't...but that doesnt mean i'm not thinking about her. I'm always hoping that she is having a better life than me. Always hoping that she's happy in life. Always hoping for the best for her. Because I know that she deserves that and much more....

i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

11/19/2012

I don't know why I do this to myself, to her and me... I should stop myself from hurting both of us--her more. But for some reason I can't. When she told me those things, I just kept replaying the words over and over again in my head. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about it... I honestly don't know what I feel. All I can tell you is that I do care for her...maybe more than i should... I didn't tell her this because if I did that I would give her hope. Hope that wont do any of us any good. I don't care if I were to get hurt in the end as long as she doesn't, I could care less what happens to me...but now I feel like I rejected her..I wish I bit my tongue back then but she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a lot better, because I can't give her what she wants no matter how much I wish I could. My reasoning wouldn't let me, since it's built in a very messed up mind set... I'm too negative...If something were to happen It wouldn't be forever because forever never stays and sooner or later we all go our separate ways. That's why we can't get so attach to one another because if we do when that moment comes to go our separate ways..which of us will hurt in the end?
Maybe i'm thinking ahead of myself but I cant help feeling that she may fall even more in love with me as I drift away or maybe vice versa.
In the end, sometimes I wonder if our friendship would cease to exist ...I don't want that,..
this is why I can't..no matter how much I want to...

Comments: I wrote this awhile back on my nook...I was thinking about her again... and I just needed to write ...This is the only way I can open up...it pretty much sucks...im such a complicated person :

Inner Battle

i hate how i cant understand my feelings toward her... i always find myself wanting to be with her and then knowing that it's wrong to be with her.. At times i feel like its just another obsession of mine and that i just want to be with her to just not feel lonely anymore... i don't understand what it is... i'm not sure what i feel anymore... If you were to ask me this awhile back i would've said that i truly wanted to be with her without a doubt... but now that sometime has passed, my old feelings are clashing with different ones... and now i'm just utterly confused... just yesterday, she kissed this other girl b/c of a dare... but in that dare, it asked her to kiss anybody...and i know she wanted me to be the one...and i seriously wanted to too.... but my stupid mind didn't think the same as my feelings... it reasoned with me that i shouldn't be doing that with her... that i was only going to make things worse and hurt her... and then to make it work, that same day one of our friends broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated...it was the first time i had to watch someone heartbroken over another human being...and every time i looked at her tear-stained eyes..i would see the person i feel for hurting too but because of me.. i don't want that... i don't want to hurt her and then lose our friendship... i don't want to... anyways that's the way i feel..i'm not sure if i'm overreacting or what..maybe i am... or maybe i'm not.. i should talk to her about it, but i was never good at talking heart to heart... i don't know... one thing i do know is that she wont be waiting for me forever...and maybe, moving on, is a good thing for her... because even if something where to happen b/t us..it wouldn't be forever... it just wouldn't..

Unjust of me...?

i dont know if it was right to get mad at my friend for trying to do something that i have been wanting to do too. She told me how she tried to kill herself but that then she thought about how wrong it was to go through it, so she didnt... but the thought that she did have it planned out; set and ready to go got me scared and mad. Scared because just the mere thought that i wouldnt see her again hurt... and mad because she was actually going to rip herself away from the people that care about her. Anyways i wrote back my feeling about how i would semi-hate her if she were to be gone... i was really angry and hurt when i wrote it but then the next day as i gave her the note... i thought to myself.. Do i have a right to get mad at her? Afterall i too wanted to do it too. I even tried to take pills but in the end stopped myself from doing something stupid... im not sure if i was fair...and i do know i must've hurt her feelings... i didnt mean too...it's just that im sacred...for her and for me too...

what's happening?

I've been acting strange lately. I think i have, it feels like it.... im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing... im not entirely sure....

It gets better over time..

I've been pretty okay now a days... maybe not all that great but for now its good.. anyways i erased some posts about the person i like... why? well because i want to move on. I dont mean i want to forget about her, she's still my friend and will always be but what i want is not to feel 'struck' everyday...we both dont deserve it the pain, nothing will change between us and its okay. I chosed it like that and so did she. So i dont wanna think about it so i took some posts off...my feeling are buried deep within again and i dont plan in resurffing them any time soon.. because for now i havent sufered for the 'what if's' and i've been enjoying the few friends i have during school. Im okay.....

So much more..

I read her blog today... every single post she had... it was sad. Sad because i never really knew that their could be a lot of hurting inside of her... even if some was from the past... it still must've sucked to gone through it.... each post i read i wished i had met her before highschool. I imagined myself being able to be there for her. Help her out through that pain she carried on her shoulders...although if i could im not sure if i would be of any use.. i dont have the right words to comfort her or anybody else..... like now, i sometimes feel useless when it comes to trying to cheer her up... i know she sometimes feel like shit, shoot so many peeps do --even me... but i dont know how to be there for her... all i know is dat i dont want her to hurt... this girl deserves to be happy. She went through a lot in life and i just believe that if one girl had the chance to be happy it should be her....

3/1/11

Dear Journal,

Its been soooo long...so long that its already 2011..so many things have happened and i want to tell them to you. Well first of all i started somewhat hurting myself again. I did two in my arm and on my chest/wrist..well yeah i made a tumblr account where i put all of my depressed feelings and issues i had/have. Well everything was going good until Ritz & guada found it. Quite obvious since its 'SWEETBLOOD'. Well G hasnt read my older posts... hopefully... but R did. She confronted me in our folder. and well i felt shitty... it was very sad..but then we talked about it some more and things got a little bit better...but sometimes i wonder if she read the posts were i said i liked G...because now i LIKE her. Im not sure if its something like i felt toward G..it feels a whole lot different... from any of my other crushes... recently i have felt her more... like when she would get closer and i feel myself flushing from her near proxomity... im soo confused!

COMMENT: i havent hurt myself in a while... even though i sometimes want to i just dont..i have self control... im trying to keep it like that.. about R..i still like her... its november now... wow i have to say she's been my longest crush... and i just cant get her out of my head.. their was a while wen i locked my feelings away since she had a boyfriend... and she wouldnt hang out dat much with Anderson and me..even though i missed her it became easier to not think of her like that..but then she broke up with him and i started to notice things.. and it turned out she likes me too... i part of me is really happy to know that but another is sad because their cant be anything b/t us since i would only hurt her in the end... no matter how much i wish... anyways till this day i still like her... she's truely a great person... anyones lucky to be with her... :/

Realization

so far from my diary entries from the past i have to say, for a young girl i really had way too many crushes on boys. Like literally! it would only last less than a week and then i would target some other fool ----____----" this makes me wonder if my feelings for this peep today are just like my past ones... i dont think so...but i dont know anymore.. oh and also i just realize i should had made 'comments' a different color @__@ too late now because when i try to fix it, it wont let me...ugh my bad.. lolz?

Dream

I had a dream last night. It was so vivid. I seriously thought it was happening for reals. Anyways i remember some stuff- not all of it since it has become fuzzy once i woke up... The person i like was in my dream. I dont really rememember where we were at, it looked like my school in some classroom. Their were students that her and me knew...and then we started talking about something. We sat in the back seats ,she was behind me and i sat in front of her. Their was no teacher and it was only peeps we knew... everyone was scattered around. Her and I were in the back just talking and then i dont know how it happened but she leaned in as if waiting for me to take the next move..and i was sooo debating it but then i made up my mind and kissed her.. And like literally their was a spark going through our lips... And thats when i woke up with a start. ...A part of me wished it did happened in real life... :/

For you....

I wrote this on my Ipod a while back... i decided to put it on here since i feel like this blog site can be my own personal letters or reflections dat no one take a look at. ...so this is a letter to someone i cant stop thinking about..

Dear You,

I finally had the guts to tell you i like you. And i know i said i dont want to hurt you by being with you but the fact is a part of me WANTS to be with you. A part of me wants to hold you in my arms and kiss you with all my heart. I've actually debated on just kissing you straight on. But the other part of me holds me back and tells me the truth. The truth being i'm going to be a jerk and hurt you. So i dont do anything. If only you made the first mov bacause if you did I think i would just ignore the other voice and be yours as you would be mine...

Ps. I think i want to take the risk.

Love,
Liz