Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

From happy to scared

Yesterday I skyped with An. I really enjoy our chatting time. We don't often do it anymore (my fault), but the times we do its absolutely wonderful...Every time we talk, I always find myself voicing some of my fears out loud. I don't usually do that, but with him it just happens. Although they are still specif topics that I never mentioned to him before...Those topics are hard for me to even bring up...and yet I find myself Wanting to tell him...I guess you could say im scared. Scared of what? I'm not entirely sure. I know he won't make any rude comments...but the idea of telling him (or anyone else for that matter) is scary....

Fears

• Not being good enough of a daughter/sister/friend
• not becoming a vet (or not having any successful career in general)
• wasting $ in college for nothing
• doing something stupid
• not getting married/not having a family (and IF I ever do have a family, not being good enough for them)
• people not liking me
• getting uglier 
• society
• my thoughts
• becoming even more negative
• "falling in love"
• everyone forgetting about me
• etc