i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Looking for Hope...

      Their are times in my life when i just want to let go; give up really. I want to just disappear from this world and never come back. But even with these thoughts a part of me is desperately trying to hold on to something worth while. That small part of me doesn't want to let go, because for some insane reason it still believes that things can turn out better...well, that's what i tell myself. Maybe that small part of me is just to scared to leave everything behind, even when it knows that it  should. Or maybe i'm just looking for attention? ...but if that's the case, then where is that attention then? I don't see anybody worrying about me or trying to help..and the ones that do try a bit--I just end up pushing them away. So i don't really think I am looking for attention... I guess what i'm really looking for is a sign...a sign telling me that I won't be the failure that i'm already starting to be. A sign that shows that I will become a better person a life... A sign saying that not everything  turns out for the worst...All in all, I just want a sign to show me that I DO have a purpose in life. Because right now, I don't feel like I do... I really feel useless and without hope.....

11/19/2012

I don't know why I do this to myself, to her and me... I should stop myself from hurting both of us--her more. But for some reason I can't. When she told me those things, I just kept replaying the words over and over again in my head. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about it... I honestly don't know what I feel. All I can tell you is that I do care for her...maybe more than i should... I didn't tell her this because if I did that I would give her hope. Hope that wont do any of us any good. I don't care if I were to get hurt in the end as long as she doesn't, I could care less what happens to me...but now I feel like I rejected her..I wish I bit my tongue back then but she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a lot better, because I can't give her what she wants no matter how much I wish I could. My reasoning wouldn't let me, since it's built in a very messed up mind set... I'm too negative...If something were to happen It wouldn't be forever because forever never stays and sooner or later we all go our separate ways. That's why we can't get so attach to one another because if we do when that moment comes to go our separate ways..which of us will hurt in the end?
Maybe i'm thinking ahead of myself but I cant help feeling that she may fall even more in love with me as I drift away or maybe vice versa.
In the end, sometimes I wonder if our friendship would cease to exist ...I don't want that,..
this is why I can't..no matter how much I want to...

Comments: I wrote this awhile back on my nook...I was thinking about her again... and I just needed to write ...This is the only way I can open up...it pretty much sucks...im such a complicated person :

Thats all for now

Im not going to write anymore of my entries from my journal.. i think i pretty much summed it up..so for now on my posts will be from the present and not the past.. i think. lolz.

other journal entries

uhhh, im not sure if i should post them..their really about feelings about differ peeps and its also a tons of writing lmao.. i'll see

skip

i actually skipped some entries.. cuz they seem too sumb.. so yeah just FYI

A blast from the past

So im going to post my old diary entries from when i was a kid. I'm going to put the dates as the title.. why am i doing these? well actually, im not sure... anywho their kind of silly.. some of them..