Time for a change

     2 weeks ago I accompanied my mother to immigration in order to renew her visa. In order to get their we took an uber. Like always I was getting nervous, trying to figure out if I should sit in the front or in the back with my mother and if I had to make conversation or not. I though if I didn't make conversation I would appear rude and that person would have horrible assumptions about me. This just comes to show that I still make it a bad habit of caring about what others think about me. Well in the end that won out, I sat in the front. My driver was a late 20 or early 30 year old female, I was a bit relieved that my driver was female. Just because I know with females I'm able to talk a little bit more than compared with a male; only because I've hangout and have more female friends then I do with males. Anyway, let's say her name was Lisa. Well Lisa was actually really nice and talkative and open too. Of course with any conversation I tend to open up too much. I know it's annoying but I can't seem to help it. Whenever I talk to a new person who I managed to click with, I just want to talk about everything about myself and about life in general. I'm not trying to tell them my sob story and get sympathy or show my ego; I do let others tell me stuff about them and anything else they want to say. But when I do talk about myself I don't usually talk to anyone in my everyday life so when I see someone having interest in me as a person/friend, I just start yapping about everything and anything. I try not to sound so depressing or negative, that was the case with this conversation.
    So i'm not sure how the conversation started, I just remember that we were talking about her experience as an uber driver and then the next thing we were talking about empowering other people and yourself. I remember telling her I had anxiety, and then saying how lately I've been trying to stay positive because i'm tired of living a life of depression and negativity. I know it was deep stuff for a first time conversation with a stranger, but I just felt like I clicked with her. She even mentioned how her second job was about helping to empower peeps, and she was just so filled with positive energy that I think it just went into me as well. She confirmed my feeling of clicking with her when she mention, "this is the first time I (in uber transportation) that my aura clicked with someone else". Those words actually made me smile. We proceeded in talking about friends and how one of my new friends and younger teens are worried about their relationship. I mentioned how I use to be like that too, so I definitely get their situation, but now as I grew older I started  thinking more about myself. Of course it took me long to actually start to think a lil more positive since i'm used to negativity; but now I feel like that getting involve romantically isn't for me right now. Of course I do sometimes crave the comfort and love of another human being but I know that if I were to get in a relationship right now I would just bring my negativity into the RS and affect my partner as well. I told her right now I want to learn to love myself and just become more positive in life.
    Lisa actually agreed and told me that she got married when she was 15 and stayed with a man for so many years who mentally abused her. And every time she would tell herself that she loved him and that's why she forgave him and stayed. She said it took her so many years to finally get out of that RS and just start loving herself. She then asked me, "what makes you happy? this is an important question that no one ever asks themselves; but what truly makes YOU happy?"
And of course I didn't know how to answer with the usual my family, friends, pets, etc. But that wasn't right. I mean yes I do love those around me, yes they make me happy, but what makes ME happy in life, ya know? What makes ME feel good about being me. It's hard to explain, but those words followed with more deep conversation was just so eye opening you know. When she dropped us off I felt relieved and just good. I swear to you that day changed a part of me.
     I'm not trying to say I'm officially a new positive person, because i'm not, but now I am willing to change. Throughout that day I felt like smiling and being positive, not one negative thought came through my head; I felt good to be alive. And that is really big. Before that day, I hate to admit that I was falling down a pit of no return. I started self harming again, constantly and even started taking my blade to school again. I started thinking about suicide and just taking that leap and forgetting about everyone. My thoughts were just eating me alive and I just wanted it to end. But Lisa's words open up something in me. It made my hope grow, it made me realize that I haven't tried in getting better. I always told myself that being positive is impossible for me, but the thing is I never tried to get better. I always put myself down and just let my negativity swallow me. Now, as the days passed, and school is nearing to the end of the semester I haven't written or thought of one negative/depressing thought. And it just feels good. Of course I haven't been all bright and cheery but I haven't gone through a suicidal thought once. I kind of see this a sign, showing me that if I really try I can probably beat this battle. I know that I may have my downfalls but that doesn't mean that I can't get back up. I choose not to fall and lose. I may not be good at anything else in life but I will be good at this. I will live to see another day.

I'm sensitive to certain topics

Going to make it short.
Dad,sis, and me went to pick up my mom from the airport.
I was really happy to see her.
Once on the ride back home we started conversing.
The subject on our recent exercising was brought up.
Mom basically said I still looked fat...
She was trying to make a joke out of it but it still hurt. I tried so hard not to cry.
And finally when I thought it was over, the mention of me breaking the running machine was brought up as well.
Once again my weight problem came back.
It became so hard to hold back the tears.
When we came back home I was forced to eat something since I didn't eat anything today.
I wasn't hungry and now I just don't want to eat anymore....
Now everyone went to bed and I can finally cry myself to sleep...

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Anderson

It's been awhile since I skyped with my close friend, Anderson. It's funny how every time I txt him about wanting to Skype I hesitate because I'm unsure of what we are going to talk about....and yet when we start talking we some how manage to keep the conversation flowing. It makes me really happy being able to talk openly with him. I'm actually comfortable with where our conversations go...and yet why is it so hard to tell him about some specific stuff? There are specific stuff I really want to talk to him about... one was about my self harm problem and the other was about the girl I had(ve) mix feelings on... so many chances I had tonight to bring it up. I was so freaking close to just blurring it out and yet I didn't. I held my tongue. I know I can count on him, so why is it that I hold back on these 2 (and other) subjects?
I guess you could say I'm afraid that he would look at me differently or maybe I'm afraid that he will feel betrayed because I wasn't able to trust him....
I don't know...I just know that I REALLY want to tell him but at the same time I'm scared to do it.

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