It's been bugging me lately

I wanted to help contribute to the club, but the amount of hate amongst certain members is making me annoyed. I dont like labeling my sexual orientation especially when I feel like I MUST have an answer. I'm still exploring and find myself liking people for who they are really. It's TRUE that I'm more physically attractive to guys and not women. Yet I dated a girl because I genuinely liked her for who she was/is and then I just found myself being captivated by her. I noticed that the girls I liked so far in my life, was built on friendship. As I grew to know them I found something special that made me like them. While one was a shorter crush, my ex (no matter how short we lasted) was honestly one of a kind girl. I know that sometimes my family's religious views hinder me, and its something I'm not sure I will learn to deal with as of now. But for now I just want to explore who I am without having to explain myself to others. 

I might sound stupid and rude but I just need to rant...its been awhile 

Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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Stressed

I'm so nervous that I'm starting to stress out. I'm tired but at the same time I can't fall asleep because of these worrisome thoughts. I feel bile rising from the pit of my stomach, I don't know what to do to calm myself  down. Am I over reacting?

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jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

11/14/08

Dear Diary,

Its been a long time since i've written in my diary. Hella years i would say. I believe i was 11 or 12 yrs old since i last written to you. I am 14 and attend EHS---WHICH SUCKS! to tell ya the truth. I wish i could change the past and attend weber with my other friends: Jessica, Guada, and Vanessa. I know it doesnt seem a lot but for me it is. I dont know if it's me or the school -probably me- but i dont seem to care about my school work that much. I feel like a dumb girl surrounded by smart people, i feel unwanted. I hid my progress report from my parents -which i know is wrong- i didnt want to disappoint them. They had so much confidence in me but i failed them... i dont like EHS!!! I hate it!!

I want to change to weber but what happens if its much worse than i imagined? I hope not... but other than that i want to get out of EHS. I hang out during lunch with one person, Bianca. My mom's best friends' daughter. Bianca and me have the same classes except for 2pd & 6pd. Well yeah, me and her hand out all the time. I guess you can say we have one another. But my fear is that if she is sick one day im going to be alone in lunch.

Oh also im falling in love with characters from my books (fantasy/horror/romance) espeacially from the twilight saga. It's the MOST AWESOME book ever! Well yeah i'm in love with the main character Edward. He's a gentlement and also Emmett, the strong funny person, oh and Jacob, impatient, cute hardworking person. The funny thing is that Edward and Emmett are Vampires (good) and Jacob is a werewolf (good too). I know i'm young and all but i wonder if im ever going to find a gentlement that will love me for who i am and that i will love; but he has to treat me with kindness and he has to be quite funny. Or at least cute, smart, and hardworking, i guess looks shouldnt matter, the only thing that matters is that he cares/ loves me. And vice versa. I keep having dreams of how i may fall in love or about how I want my life to be...Anywho i've been depressed like always, i feel like dying sometimes. My life isnt fun or important. I want to be something awesome in life....like a hero or something but that's only in fairytales...anyways i dont want myfamily to suffer with my death. I just start saying crap but never really mean it cause it would be a scary expierence. So im excited about twilight being released into theatres in Nov. 21 (a friday). A week from now!! I've seen the trailers, i actually cried! IM SO EXCITED!! ahahahahaha!!! Well it's time to go to bed. I'll try to write as soon as possible. I might need someone to talk to even though they arent real. Peace.

Comment: I still dont like my High school but its my last year there and im scared about college now D: ..anyway Bianca is an awesome friend! sadly though she moved and wasnt with me in sophmore yr. I hanged out with another friend but sometimes i would be alone during lunch trying not to cry.... But now i hang out with more peeps and their fun!... sooo as u can see i got obsessed with Twilight. I am still (somewhat) and I perfer Emmett than the other two :D lolz. Thanks to twilight i started to be a book worm. I love it....back then i was depressed and i still am today... i still debate about death..but i still wont do it....because i dont want others to suffer... oh and im watching breaking dawn tommorrow!!! xD EXCITED!! Ps. i misspelled a lot!!