Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

The Truth In Words Hurt

My sis got angry today and yelled at me. The things she said hurt me really bad.... It hurt because they were so true... their was a point in her yelling that I wanted to scream, "I WISH I WAS DEAD!"
I don't know how I managed to stop myself, I seriously felt my lips starting to form the words...and yet I stopped...now We aren't speaking to each other and I still want to cry. I don't want to study or do my ES take-home midterm...I just want to curl up and cry...and maybe even a little pain in the process just so I could feel more shitty about myself...i can't though...I guess ima just write about some other stuff to get distracted... i guess...

Screw It

  I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Not because i'm sad and want to hurt myself, but more like I want to just go back to those bad habits. I'm already screwing up in school why not just screw my body once again? I know this is utterly stupid of me but lately I've been so freaking negative that I have started to say "screw it" to everything else.Why not just say "screw it" to this too?  

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.