Same story, same ending

I'm thinking about it again.

Thinking about killing myself.

These suicidal thoughts keep getting worse as time goes on. I thought that as the years passed by everything would get better. But why do I feel like it's getting much worse?

I cant help but think about ways to end it, ways to "run" away from reality.
Reading and art doesn't work anymore, even that has become 'tiring'

Scenarios play in my head of where I would go or what I would do to end this 'disease' that is myself.

I dont want to die, not because I'm afraid of death (although I am) but mainly because I'm scared that God would push me away.

While I'm not as religious as my parents and I get pretty annoyed whenever someone preaches to me (since I was strictly raised in a catholic setting). That doesn't mean that i dont believe in God. I do believe. I sometimes try to talk to God (in my own way). Not often since I'm always ashamed of showing my horrible self to God.

I'm afraid of being rejected. While I deserve it I'm still a tad hopeful.

And yet...here I am. Rather then trying to get better im accepting this darkness to feed off of me. Lately I noticed whenever I argue with my family, the words "I wont live that long anyway"or "i wont survive" keep slipping out of my mouth. While they dont take it seriously (which I'm glad they dont ask questions) each day I find myself believing my own words.

Because the truth is that I wont survive long.

One day I will snap. Till that day comes I will try to prolong it a lil longer...

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

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Dont think about it...

Ever since this week I've had this nightmare where it basically showed me something that will one day come true. I try not to think about it because the reality brings me to tears (like now as I write this). I need to be happy now, nothing will happen. There's still time to live happy....and yet I'm still having these horrible flashes of reality. I'm scared, please don't let it happen..

Don't think about it  

Thoughts on New Years (warning: Negativity ahead)

So I just noticed that New Years is around the corner; I haven't thought about it. I know a bunch of peeps mention how its a new year to start fresh and start doing things differently than the year before that, but to me its just an extension to my negative-self. Last year my New years was actually horrible, I cried myself to sleep that time...I'm hoping that this time around i'll just let the day pass without worry...

To me, the New Year doesn't bring joy or hope. I know that 2014 isn't going to change anything. I'm still going to be same old me. I'm still going to do bad in school, be lazy, be negative, be lonely, be anti-social, be indecisive, and have negative thoughts. I guess you could say that instead of seeing the bright side of what a New Year can bring, I think about all the bad stuff i'm sure that's going to happen. I know I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it. These negative thoughts have always been a part of me. I never think about the bright side or I never live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead of the bad stuff that can happen in my life. So to me New Years is just going to be the start of another bad year....