It's just a matter of time...

Of me being brave enough to end it....

Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

Posted via Blogaway

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

Why can't I be different?!
Why is it so hard for me to focus and grasp this information?!
Why is it so hard?!
Why must I give up so easily?
Why.....

I should disappear

There isn't anything left for me here. I no longer exsist. I should just make it official....

What am up doing with my life?

I know I say this from time to time but seriously what am I doing? Nothing that's what. My life isn't going anywhere. I try to think positive but let's be honest here I'm not good at anything. In not good at being successful or just moving forward in life. I'm too much of a coward. And I will always be a coward until the day I die--whenever that will be. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying to do this, why I haven't given up already. How much longer am I going to hold on....

Posted via Blogaway

Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

Posted via Blogaway

.

It hurts hearing those words...but it only hurts because I know they are true....

Posted via Blogaway

Is it just me?

I feel like I made it difficult. It could've been so simple, but I just made it hard. It's hard to forget that sort of thing and replace it with another belief. I tried, or so I tell myself, to do better. There were moments when I just wanted to ignore them and yet I couldn't. They consumed my every thoughts. I really wanted it to work but it didn't. No matter what it will never work for me. Everything ends. Happiness with the same isn't allowed in my world..my mind...my being. In fact happiness isn't meant for me....

Miserable

Is this seriously how my life is going to be?
If it is then what's the point of continuing?
Really, what is the point?

Posted via Blogaway

Still selfish

I'm such a selfish human being. I keep saying that because it's honestly true. I am a very selfish person. Even when I know I'm being selfish I try to cover it up with a lie from others and myself, hoping that by being in denial it will make the lie come true.

The reason why I brought this up was because just a awhile ago I picked up the razor. I was going to hurt myself just because I wanted too. Whenever I cut myself I'm not doing it because I'm feeling down. It's because I just have nothing better to do or just cause I want to see all the little marks left on my skin. All those high school years I told myself and others that I just couldn't take it anymore and that the reason I cut was because I was emotional, not in my right mind....but the fact was that I was in my right mind. I knew I had no reasons to hurt myself, but I still did it because I wanted it badly. And ever since I first tried it, it became an addiction. I was selfish during those moments. Sure I felt guilt for hurting myself and for affecting those around me....but even so I still decided to do it. Just so I can satisfy this hunger I had.
And so tonight, as I held the razor, I started thinking about how selfish I was through out those times and other moments that didn't relate to self harm.
I literally stayed up for an hour just scraping the dead skin around my fingers and thinking of my forms of selfishness...
After I got all those thoughts out of my head, I wanted to slice into my skin so badly. I still do, but after giving it into consideration I decided not to. I guess the guilt over took me....for now...

Posted via Blogaway

Stressed

I'm so nervous that I'm starting to stress out. I'm tired but at the same time I can't fall asleep because of these worrisome thoughts. I feel bile rising from the pit of my stomach, I don't know what to do to calm myself  down. Am I over reacting?

Posted via Blogaway

My everything

I don't think peeps understand how much I miss them. How can I not miss them? They are the only ones who make me feel like I actually have a reason in living. They are my everything. Without them I wouldn't be here....

Posted via Blogaway

Thoughts on New Years (warning: Negativity ahead)

So I just noticed that New Years is around the corner; I haven't thought about it. I know a bunch of peeps mention how its a new year to start fresh and start doing things differently than the year before that, but to me its just an extension to my negative-self. Last year my New years was actually horrible, I cried myself to sleep that time...I'm hoping that this time around i'll just let the day pass without worry...

To me, the New Year doesn't bring joy or hope. I know that 2014 isn't going to change anything. I'm still going to be same old me. I'm still going to do bad in school, be lazy, be negative, be lonely, be anti-social, be indecisive, and have negative thoughts. I guess you could say that instead of seeing the bright side of what a New Year can bring, I think about all the bad stuff i'm sure that's going to happen. I know I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it. These negative thoughts have always been a part of me. I never think about the bright side or I never live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead of the bad stuff that can happen in my life. So to me New Years is just going to be the start of another bad year....

mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!

12.2 | 12.13

I wasn't able to talk about this as much as I hoped... my words became chiberish, making no sense at all, and when I thought I knew what to say I would forget... so here I am trying to make up for that little/to no talk we had...I find it easier for me to write it down then saying it..it might not be much buts its something...so here it goes.

First off I want to say that when I was handed these letters a big part of me was dreading it. Even though I acted all cool about it--in the inside I, honestly, wanted to forget about it. I was entirely afraid of what I would read, and I don't know why...

Secondly, I'm sorry that my drawing of him affected you like that. I knew it was going to make you cry but my intention was never to make you hurt that bad. I apologize and I promise I won't do it again. At the time (like I mentioned before), I already had something planned and I just thought that this was something right to do...I'm glad you liked it but, like I promised, this will be the last time.

Thirdly I'm glad that your happy with him. I kind of didn't like him (from what you told me before), but it is not my right to judge him from his past behaviors. From what I've seen on tumblr (yeah I noticed, I just don't mention it), i can tell how much you like him. I'm glad that your happy, that's all I ever wanted.

Fourthly I'm tired of hearing you say "sorry". It's a bit frustrating, not because I don't believe you but because I do. That doesn't really make sense...let me try to clarify. You honestly believe that you should be apologizing. You shouldn't. I should, but I won't...I wish I could, actually I probably already did in my other past posts, but now i'm just gonna stop. I wish I could apologize for Hurting you but like you said it wouldn't have gone much longer. I do feel like you tried, you tried to work it out for both of us. I wasn't the one who tried at all. If we were to rewind time it would've been the same thing over and over again. I would still break up with you because i'm a coward. A coward to my own feelings. The feelings I get scares me and my natural response is to hide it. I don't try to acknowledge them...Instead I try to ignore them. That's just me. I wish I wasn't like that.. but I just am. Between us, you tried harder than I did. Shoot, I didn't bothered trying. I took the easy way out. So i'm not going to apologize because I've grown tired of saying it... Sorry isn't enough of a word to tell you how much I wish it didn't went down like this.

Fifthly The jealous part...kind of lied..I was jealous of him for other reasons...like I said earlier, feelings can be a bit tricky to deal with. They just come and go without asking permission. I'm choosing to ignore them. With time it will get better.

Hey I'm really glad your happy :)

The Truth In Words Hurt

My sis got angry today and yelled at me. The things she said hurt me really bad.... It hurt because they were so true... their was a point in her yelling that I wanted to scream, "I WISH I WAS DEAD!"
I don't know how I managed to stop myself, I seriously felt my lips starting to form the words...and yet I stopped...now We aren't speaking to each other and I still want to cry. I don't want to study or do my ES take-home midterm...I just want to curl up and cry...and maybe even a little pain in the process just so I could feel more shitty about myself...i can't though...I guess ima just write about some other stuff to get distracted... i guess...

BFF is not always forever

They never last... It's sad how friendship from when we were young can break apart so easily....we were so innocent back then...and now we are not... A part of me wishes to go back to the old days...just a small tiny part...

Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

Found a notebook from the past and came across this...

"My name is Liz. I'm currently 14 yrs old. My life is very depressing--why? I don't know. Probably because i'm very...uhh not fun? I don't know..."