i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Inner Battle

i hate how i cant understand my feelings toward her... i always find myself wanting to be with her and then knowing that it's wrong to be with her.. At times i feel like its just another obsession of mine and that i just want to be with her to just not feel lonely anymore... i don't understand what it is... i'm not sure what i feel anymore... If you were to ask me this awhile back i would've said that i truly wanted to be with her without a doubt... but now that sometime has passed, my old feelings are clashing with different ones... and now i'm just utterly confused... just yesterday, she kissed this other girl b/c of a dare... but in that dare, it asked her to kiss anybody...and i know she wanted me to be the one...and i seriously wanted to too.... but my stupid mind didn't think the same as my feelings... it reasoned with me that i shouldn't be doing that with her... that i was only going to make things worse and hurt her... and then to make it work, that same day one of our friends broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated...it was the first time i had to watch someone heartbroken over another human being...and every time i looked at her tear-stained eyes..i would see the person i feel for hurting too but because of me.. i don't want that... i don't want to hurt her and then lose our friendship... i don't want to... anyways that's the way i feel..i'm not sure if i'm overreacting or what..maybe i am... or maybe i'm not.. i should talk to her about it, but i was never good at talking heart to heart... i don't know... one thing i do know is that she wont be waiting for me forever...and maybe, moving on, is a good thing for her... because even if something where to happen b/t us..it wouldn't be forever... it just wouldn't..

3/1/11

Dear Journal,

Its been soooo long...so long that its already 2011..so many things have happened and i want to tell them to you. Well first of all i started somewhat hurting myself again. I did two in my arm and on my chest/wrist..well yeah i made a tumblr account where i put all of my depressed feelings and issues i had/have. Well everything was going good until Ritz & guada found it. Quite obvious since its 'SWEETBLOOD'. Well G hasnt read my older posts... hopefully... but R did. She confronted me in our folder. and well i felt shitty... it was very sad..but then we talked about it some more and things got a little bit better...but sometimes i wonder if she read the posts were i said i liked G...because now i LIKE her. Im not sure if its something like i felt toward G..it feels a whole lot different... from any of my other crushes... recently i have felt her more... like when she would get closer and i feel myself flushing from her near proxomity... im soo confused!

COMMENT: i havent hurt myself in a while... even though i sometimes want to i just dont..i have self control... im trying to keep it like that.. about R..i still like her... its november now... wow i have to say she's been my longest crush... and i just cant get her out of my head.. their was a while wen i locked my feelings away since she had a boyfriend... and she wouldnt hang out dat much with Anderson and me..even though i missed her it became easier to not think of her like that..but then she broke up with him and i started to notice things.. and it turned out she likes me too... i part of me is really happy to know that but another is sad because their cant be anything b/t us since i would only hurt her in the end... no matter how much i wish... anyways till this day i still like her... she's truely a great person... anyones lucky to be with her... :/

5/25/10

Dear Journal,

I want to tell you some things...first of all its nice knowing that a dude can like me for just me. Adrain is he's name...and he said he liked me and that he would like to go out with me but i declined cuz i see him as a friend and anywho it turns out he is in love with some chick in L.A. he's trying to forget about her . And im not mad...he's my friend after all. We message back to each other a lot. I like that, it feels nice. I think i can finally open up to someone other than G and R... G is another thing. ... im confused, i like her...i think i do... but sometimes i just like biting her...i dont know..remember that dream about me biting a chick that kept tempting me? Well yep that was her... and i just cant seem to understand if i like her or her neck... Anywho she has danny-boy,,,which i sometimes find myself jealous of... gah, its just a phase thing, i hope..

COMMENT: It turned out it was just an obsession. She is a really good friend and i could always count on her so i tried to form a different type of likeness towards her... well i did..but i finally told myself the truth and yeah.. i dont see her like that anymore..she's just a friend. A really good friend :] that im lucky to have.

5/28/10

Dear Journal,

Lots of weeks have passed..im finally a junior. Well anywho i had another dream about him. JM. It all started like this: I went my friend G's house and found J and Amanda in her room chatting. I was sooo happy to see him there but i tried not to show it, i was acting natural and conversating with them. I dont remember what we were talking about precisely, all i remember was that i was propped on my elbow just chatting it up... some time passed and it was time for him to leave. I was so sad because i was afraid i wouldnt see him again. SO he gave G & A a goodbye hug. And then they suddenly went to check something out the window. When he stood in front of me, i stood on my knees and hugged him. What he did next surprised me. He gave me a kiss on the cheek..my reaction was to blush and laugh and say stupidly, "What was that?" when in my head i was squealing with joy. He looked at me and grinned so cutely and then he left. Just like that. A & G were like "What just happened?" and told them and yeah then i headed home all happy thinking to myself 'i have to tell ritz!'..and yep thats when i woke up. I was sad since it felt so real! either way i still told ritz that day in school...i think she thought i was insane...shoot i think i am...Also like days before my dream JM replied to my Happy B-day wish i had sent him..it wasnt nothing special but i couldnt help smiling so retardly wen i saw the message.....lolz?

COMMENT: The funny thing about these of him is that he acted a whole lot differently than he did in real life. It's like he was a whole different person. I think i never like JM. I liked the guy i created in my dreams. Sure he looked like him but he sure as hell didnt act like him. I made up a whole different person...so i guess i dreampt up my other half...

5/02/10

Dear Journal,

Remember when i said that i wasn't going to write about crushes? Well yeah i lied. I have to tell you about my dreams of him. Jacob M. The dreams started at the end of 8th grade and beginning of 9th grade. At first he was this annoying kid that kept poking me but ever since i had my first dream of him i started to see him in a different way...well anywho let me tell you one of my dreams. It was my B-Day, my friends came and so did he. I was opening presents and i opened an envelope to find a letter. A letter from him were he told me how much he liked me. I was so happy that i literally exclaime, " I like you too!". He kissed me and i responded gladly but then my bro stepped in and he and my sis asked me what the meaning of this was. I told them in a lovey dovey expression that we liked each other and that we were together now. They were shocked at my easy response and i left them and went back to him. He then sang a song for me in front of everybody (which is so not like him in real life). It was INCREDIBLE! anyway that was about all...yesterday i also had a dream of him. In my dream i was hiding from him, im not sure why... he found me and said that he likes me. I was surprised and i wanted for some reason to get away from him and i did.... lolz yeah, i always wondered if he liked me because i always saw him staring at me in the school dance and he tried to ask me to dance but i was scared and said no...... the past is the past....

COMMENT: As you can see my whole life revolved around liking peeps. I think this was because i always felt insecure of myself and so to feel a little bit better i would come up with these fantisies...yeah idk anywho i stopped liking him. It was just for awhile i guess.....

Realization

so far from my diary entries from the past i have to say, for a young girl i really had way too many crushes on boys. Like literally! it would only last less than a week and then i would target some other fool ----____----" this makes me wonder if my feelings for this peep today are just like my past ones... i dont think so...but i dont know anymore.. oh and also i just realize i should had made 'comments' a different color @__@ too late now because when i try to fix it, it wont let me...ugh my bad.. lolz?

2/01/06

Dear Diary,

I use to like Anthony because he was funny but not anymore. Anyway he didnt like me and he has a girlfriend. But not that long! Then i liked george, but not anymore because he flitters with other girls. He had a girlfriend too. Anyway i will like a boy that was nice, funny, cute, and loyal to me. But i guess i wont find a person who will fall for me. Well to bad.

-draws a broken heart- = No love for me!

Comments: I can't believe that at this age i was more worried about guys then school and friends... and i totally didnt make sense!

Dream

I had a dream last night. It was so vivid. I seriously thought it was happening for reals. Anyways i remember some stuff- not all of it since it has become fuzzy once i woke up... The person i like was in my dream. I dont really rememember where we were at, it looked like my school in some classroom. Their were students that her and me knew...and then we started talking about something. We sat in the back seats ,she was behind me and i sat in front of her. Their was no teacher and it was only peeps we knew... everyone was scattered around. Her and I were in the back just talking and then i dont know how it happened but she leaned in as if waiting for me to take the next move..and i was sooo debating it but then i made up my mind and kissed her.. And like literally their was a spark going through our lips... And thats when i woke up with a start. ...A part of me wished it did happened in real life... :/

For you....

I wrote this on my Ipod a while back... i decided to put it on here since i feel like this blog site can be my own personal letters or reflections dat no one take a look at. ...so this is a letter to someone i cant stop thinking about..

Dear You,

I finally had the guts to tell you i like you. And i know i said i dont want to hurt you by being with you but the fact is a part of me WANTS to be with you. A part of me wants to hold you in my arms and kiss you with all my heart. I've actually debated on just kissing you straight on. But the other part of me holds me back and tells me the truth. The truth being i'm going to be a jerk and hurt you. So i dont do anything. If only you made the first mov bacause if you did I think i would just ignore the other voice and be yours as you would be mine...

Ps. I think i want to take the risk.

Love,
Liz