Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

It's sad when

I always have to carry a blade with me...

Just realized that I started cutting in the beginning of 2010....so long ago...
I wish I could say I've changed into a better peep
But the reality is that although I don't do it as often and deep as I did before...I still tend to break my skin once in awhile...sigh

I'm so fucking depressed

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking clue! All I'm doing right now is making a deeper shit hole for myself.... I thought I would do better this year but I already feel myself giving up. I hate myself, I wish I wasn't like this...

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Still selfish

I'm such a selfish human being. I keep saying that because it's honestly true. I am a very selfish person. Even when I know I'm being selfish I try to cover it up with a lie from others and myself, hoping that by being in denial it will make the lie come true.

The reason why I brought this up was because just a awhile ago I picked up the razor. I was going to hurt myself just because I wanted too. Whenever I cut myself I'm not doing it because I'm feeling down. It's because I just have nothing better to do or just cause I want to see all the little marks left on my skin. All those high school years I told myself and others that I just couldn't take it anymore and that the reason I cut was because I was emotional, not in my right mind....but the fact was that I was in my right mind. I knew I had no reasons to hurt myself, but I still did it because I wanted it badly. And ever since I first tried it, it became an addiction. I was selfish during those moments. Sure I felt guilt for hurting myself and for affecting those around me....but even so I still decided to do it. Just so I can satisfy this hunger I had.
And so tonight, as I held the razor, I started thinking about how selfish I was through out those times and other moments that didn't relate to self harm.
I literally stayed up for an hour just scraping the dead skin around my fingers and thinking of my forms of selfishness...
After I got all those thoughts out of my head, I wanted to slice into my skin so badly. I still do, but after giving it into consideration I decided not to. I guess the guilt over took me....for now...

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From happy to scared

Yesterday I skyped with An. I really enjoy our chatting time. We don't often do it anymore (my fault), but the times we do its absolutely wonderful...Every time we talk, I always find myself voicing some of my fears out loud. I don't usually do that, but with him it just happens. Although they are still specif topics that I never mentioned to him before...Those topics are hard for me to even bring up...and yet I find myself Wanting to tell him...I guess you could say im scared. Scared of what? I'm not entirely sure. I know he won't make any rude comments...but the idea of telling him (or anyone else for that matter) is scary....

mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!

Holidays

I never get excited for them, theirs nothing really special about them. Just how I see it. But I know for some of you they mean a lot...therefore, Merry Christmas.

12.2 | 12.13

I wasn't able to talk about this as much as I hoped... my words became chiberish, making no sense at all, and when I thought I knew what to say I would forget... so here I am trying to make up for that little/to no talk we had...I find it easier for me to write it down then saying it..it might not be much buts its something...so here it goes.

First off I want to say that when I was handed these letters a big part of me was dreading it. Even though I acted all cool about it--in the inside I, honestly, wanted to forget about it. I was entirely afraid of what I would read, and I don't know why...

Secondly, I'm sorry that my drawing of him affected you like that. I knew it was going to make you cry but my intention was never to make you hurt that bad. I apologize and I promise I won't do it again. At the time (like I mentioned before), I already had something planned and I just thought that this was something right to do...I'm glad you liked it but, like I promised, this will be the last time.

Thirdly I'm glad that your happy with him. I kind of didn't like him (from what you told me before), but it is not my right to judge him from his past behaviors. From what I've seen on tumblr (yeah I noticed, I just don't mention it), i can tell how much you like him. I'm glad that your happy, that's all I ever wanted.

Fourthly I'm tired of hearing you say "sorry". It's a bit frustrating, not because I don't believe you but because I do. That doesn't really make sense...let me try to clarify. You honestly believe that you should be apologizing. You shouldn't. I should, but I won't...I wish I could, actually I probably already did in my other past posts, but now i'm just gonna stop. I wish I could apologize for Hurting you but like you said it wouldn't have gone much longer. I do feel like you tried, you tried to work it out for both of us. I wasn't the one who tried at all. If we were to rewind time it would've been the same thing over and over again. I would still break up with you because i'm a coward. A coward to my own feelings. The feelings I get scares me and my natural response is to hide it. I don't try to acknowledge them...Instead I try to ignore them. That's just me. I wish I wasn't like that.. but I just am. Between us, you tried harder than I did. Shoot, I didn't bothered trying. I took the easy way out. So i'm not going to apologize because I've grown tired of saying it... Sorry isn't enough of a word to tell you how much I wish it didn't went down like this.

Fifthly The jealous part...kind of lied..I was jealous of him for other reasons...like I said earlier, feelings can be a bit tricky to deal with. They just come and go without asking permission. I'm choosing to ignore them. With time it will get better.

Hey I'm really glad your happy :)

What I like about myself?

Absolutely nothing.

Why Am I So Negative?

Ever since I was a child I would always be negative. I never really saw the bright side in a situation. To me there was NO bright side. And in a way I still feel like that. Theirs no light waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. It's only a pit of darkness that is awaiting to swallow me hole....I don't know why i do this to myself. I don't understand what happened to me to make me such a negative person. All i know is that this negativity of mine will never leave me be. I don't see myself being positive...i really don't.
Although, I do "hope that the light wins" (my teacher's comment on my psychological picture).