Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

Inner Battle

i hate how i cant understand my feelings toward her... i always find myself wanting to be with her and then knowing that it's wrong to be with her.. At times i feel like its just another obsession of mine and that i just want to be with her to just not feel lonely anymore... i don't understand what it is... i'm not sure what i feel anymore... If you were to ask me this awhile back i would've said that i truly wanted to be with her without a doubt... but now that sometime has passed, my old feelings are clashing with different ones... and now i'm just utterly confused... just yesterday, she kissed this other girl b/c of a dare... but in that dare, it asked her to kiss anybody...and i know she wanted me to be the one...and i seriously wanted to too.... but my stupid mind didn't think the same as my feelings... it reasoned with me that i shouldn't be doing that with her... that i was only going to make things worse and hurt her... and then to make it work, that same day one of our friends broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated...it was the first time i had to watch someone heartbroken over another human being...and every time i looked at her tear-stained eyes..i would see the person i feel for hurting too but because of me.. i don't want that... i don't want to hurt her and then lose our friendship... i don't want to... anyways that's the way i feel..i'm not sure if i'm overreacting or what..maybe i am... or maybe i'm not.. i should talk to her about it, but i was never good at talking heart to heart... i don't know... one thing i do know is that she wont be waiting for me forever...and maybe, moving on, is a good thing for her... because even if something where to happen b/t us..it wouldn't be forever... it just wouldn't..

2/01/06

Dear Diary,

Friends are great. I use to have a lot but not anymore. I only have to best friends named Icela and Ana. I think the other girls dont like me because i'm all that or because i'm annoying to them. And now i am losing my friend that hangs out with me all the time. Icela, i think, is annoyed with me too? I Hope later on I find a true friend that has the same in common with me and doesnt get annoyed. i dont know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope SO. :C

Comment: I DID use to have a tons of friends back in the day... and i always thought they were my best friends... but they never were... now i have a few close friends but sometimes i feel like im losing them too... i dont want them to leave me either.... :[