Why am i crying over this? Stupid!

I honestly thought I would have a friend
But it was just pity

I'm so fucking depressed

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking clue! All I'm doing right now is making a deeper shit hole for myself.... I thought I would do better this year but I already feel myself giving up. I hate myself, I wish I wasn't like this...

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Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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Art buddies only...

     2yrs in college and it still hasn't gotten better. I haven't been doing great in school nor have I made friends or gone out to events in the community.
     I was lucky to meet these 3 awesome chicks in art this semester. My art sessions were the only  days I looked forward to going, not because I got to paint but mainly because I finally was able to laugh and talk freely with these peeps. Those moments together were wonderful, I felt truly happy, I felt like I had friends who liked me for me.....but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up... the last day of art class and 2 of them left without saying goodbye and the other one basically said we probably won't see each other next semester...
I knew that we weren't friends, that's why I would only refer them as art buddies instead. I knew that I shouldn't get attach with them, because in the end I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere....and though i thought I was prepared....
I wasn't it...
It still hurt me in the end knowing that they wouldn't miss me as much as I would miss them.....

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jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

way out

Did you know I carry a razor blade in my backpack? I never told anyone this before because if I did i'm pretty sure they'll worry...they shouldn't...well I hope not anytime soon...
Why do I carry it around me? Because in a very messed up way I like the feeling of knowing i have a way out if it ever gets to bad.....

It'll get better they say..Lies (College Life)

I talked about my College Life already, but I never throughly talked about my social life in College. I'm pretty sure since my last post you get the point that I have NO friends at all. A little bit more than a year and still I don't have anyone. I've been meaning to talk about this because honestly its been bothering me for quite some time now. Actually, every stinking day it feels like a jab to the heart whenever I see people talking/hanging out so freely with others. I hate it. And when I try to forget about it and try to not remind myself how miserable I am here, I see posts on social networks of others who are having fun in their college with their friends. I shouldn't be feeling jealous but I do. I can't help it. I envy them for having a friend or 2. I envy them for having the college experience, even if it means that they may have some troubles with others, I still envy that. I want that, I want to laugh with another person. Shoot I want to get angry with them when I think their being unreasonable!

I just want someone to acknowledge me here. I'm tired of feeling lonely and pathetic. I know I have my sister and she's my only friend here (she doesn't have friends either which I bet she understands this feeling too), but sometimes being with my sister can be too much (she even agrees). It would be nice to have a break once in awhile with someone else.

Sure I had study buddies, or talked to one classmate in a class but never do we hang out of class. The few times I asked other peeps numbers, we never hit it off. I feel like I'm bothering them and when I see them on fb I noticed they have peeps of their own already. And that's another thing, they already have a group of friends. I'm just an outcast that doesn't belong.....

I just wish my college life was better than this...

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.