Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts. 

Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

cant sleep again....

My head is just filled with so many thoughts, instead of an ex crush I'm having thoughts about my insecurities. Much worse....the negativity in my head is clouding up all the little positivity I had left. I can't find reason anymore...there is no worth in fighting....it will always win...I should just give up now and be done with it...

mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!

dropout

I try not to think about my classes but tonight i just cant help it. I only passed one class and that was Ethnic Studies. I already knew i was going to fail Zool...but i was hoping to pass pre-cal, this is my second time taking it...and once again i failed. All im doing in school is failing every course. Im wasting my parents money a lo menso.They could barely pay their own bills after constanlty giving us money for school.... Sometimes (mostly now a days) ive been wanting to quit school but i cant bring myself in doing it without thinking about everyones disappointment in me. And when i think about that i start thinking about that dreadful-selfish-easy-way-out....

The Truth In Words Hurt

My sis got angry today and yelled at me. The things she said hurt me really bad.... It hurt because they were so true... their was a point in her yelling that I wanted to scream, "I WISH I WAS DEAD!"
I don't know how I managed to stop myself, I seriously felt my lips starting to form the words...and yet I stopped...now We aren't speaking to each other and I still want to cry. I don't want to study or do my ES take-home midterm...I just want to curl up and cry...and maybe even a little pain in the process just so I could feel more shitty about myself...i can't though...I guess ima just write about some other stuff to get distracted... i guess...

stupidity

I forgot how much a little scratch hurts.....now i need to distract myself before i do something incredibly stupid...

Gave up

My sis told me to study for my Zool final I have tomm...but what she doesn't know is that I stopped going to that class a long time ago. I just gave up on it and wasted my $ for nothing. So now i'm lying that i'm going to take it when in reality i'm just gonna hang out at the library...