Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts. 

cant sleep again....

My head is just filled with so many thoughts, instead of an ex crush I'm having thoughts about my insecurities. Much worse....the negativity in my head is clouding up all the little positivity I had left. I can't find reason anymore...there is no worth in fighting....it will always win...I should just give up now and be done with it...