Same story, same ending

I'm thinking about it again.

Thinking about killing myself.

These suicidal thoughts keep getting worse as time goes on. I thought that as the years passed by everything would get better. But why do I feel like it's getting much worse?

I cant help but think about ways to end it, ways to "run" away from reality.
Reading and art doesn't work anymore, even that has become 'tiring'

Scenarios play in my head of where I would go or what I would do to end this 'disease' that is myself.

I dont want to die, not because I'm afraid of death (although I am) but mainly because I'm scared that God would push me away.

While I'm not as religious as my parents and I get pretty annoyed whenever someone preaches to me (since I was strictly raised in a catholic setting). That doesn't mean that i dont believe in God. I do believe. I sometimes try to talk to God (in my own way). Not often since I'm always ashamed of showing my horrible self to God.

I'm afraid of being rejected. While I deserve it I'm still a tad hopeful.

And yet...here I am. Rather then trying to get better im accepting this darkness to feed off of me. Lately I noticed whenever I argue with my family, the words "I wont live that long anyway"or "i wont survive" keep slipping out of my mouth. While they dont take it seriously (which I'm glad they dont ask questions) each day I find myself believing my own words.

Because the truth is that I wont survive long.

One day I will snap. Till that day comes I will try to prolong it a lil longer...

Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

Why must everyone disappear.....

Why do I do it too?

Why can't I be different?!
Why is it so hard for me to focus and grasp this information?!
Why is it so hard?!
Why must I give up so easily?
Why.....

What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

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Tearful night

I asked my mom for some sleeping medicine. She gave me some and I was hoping to instantly fall asleep before my thoughts kicked in...but it was hopeless. The thoughts came back fool force. I feel like I have another voice feeling me these negative stuff. Instead of sleeping I'm crying now because all I can think about is my death. How my life is worth nothing. How everything I did to this point is absolutely valueless. How easily expendable I can be...and although I hate the fact that many will cry, I will soon be forgotten like when I was living. And I think that makes me sad the most.

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Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

dropout

I try not to think about my classes but tonight i just cant help it. I only passed one class and that was Ethnic Studies. I already knew i was going to fail Zool...but i was hoping to pass pre-cal, this is my second time taking it...and once again i failed. All im doing in school is failing every course. Im wasting my parents money a lo menso.They could barely pay their own bills after constanlty giving us money for school.... Sometimes (mostly now a days) ive been wanting to quit school but i cant bring myself in doing it without thinking about everyones disappointment in me. And when i think about that i start thinking about that dreadful-selfish-easy-way-out....

way out

Did you know I carry a razor blade in my backpack? I never told anyone this before because if I did i'm pretty sure they'll worry...they shouldn't...well I hope not anytime soon...
Why do I carry it around me? Because in a very messed up way I like the feeling of knowing i have a way out if it ever gets to bad.....

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.