BFF is not always forever

They never last... It's sad how friendship from when we were young can break apart so easily....we were so innocent back then...and now we are not... A part of me wishes to go back to the old days...just a small tiny part...

Special Friend

   Tonight was a long one. I just finished Talking to my friend, Anderson. We talked for 3 and a half hours....soo long that we didn't even notice that it was already dark outside. We talked about so many things that could relate to anyone who worries about their future. It was a very nice and interesting conversation. So nice that it made me realize (as we talked) that I found that special friend I always wanted. I had him in front of me all this time but i never noticed until now. I remembered one of my diary entries from when i was a child ( 2/1/06); at that time i said "I hope later on I find  a truly friend that have the same in common & doesn't get annoy. i don't know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope So. :(".
      Anderson also wants to become a vet but that's not the reason why i see him as a special friend. He's always making sure to keep in touch. He doesn't want to lose our friendship and is always txting me everyday even when i take days to answer him, he continues to literally blow up my cell. He shows me that he's still there for me even if i want it or not. And for some reason he wants to actually talk to me. It warms my heart knowing that he doesn't find me annoying (yet lol?). If i were little again, i would have never imagine that special friend to be a guy especially. This is the first time i ever had a close guy friend. And im sooo happy that he was the one. I feel so close to him, i dont want that to ever change. Im not interested in him like THAT (He's gay[which is not the point, but felt like pointing out]), i feel like i have another brother. One that i can talk about life in general. Although their r some stuff that i still havent told him about myself. Im afraid that if i do, he might see me differently and i dont want that.... but yet for some reason i wanna tell him so many things and i hope he can see how much he means to me. I love that fool a tons. He's part of my family like the rest of my closer friends. I hope we continue to be close as the days go by.

Sad truth: Beauty is everything....

I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not, even if some peeps say I am. I don't believe them because every time I look in the mirror I see an ugly person staring back. And it doesn't help that now-a-days society see's beauty as everything. I'm always comparing myself to those who were born pretty. Outer beauty is more important than inner beauty. That's just the honest truth. No matter how you try to look at it, peeps always take into consideration the outer beauty of a person. I know it shouldn't get to me, but seriously it's hard to ignore. My whole life I grew up believing that in order to be happy, you needed to be beautiful. And because of that I became insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish I could have been born pretty; I wish I could change even now.....but the sad reality is that that won't ever happen. I'm never going to be beautiful no matter how much I wish. I need to get use to this....

4/13/10

Dear Journal,

Oh man, im really messed up. Lots of issues have been coming along the years for me; i knowthat its been awhile since i had written in my powerpuff diary, around 2 yrs i believe, but anywho today i felt the need to talk to someone who wont judge me for well EVERYTHING. Instead of writing in my diary i decided to write in a uhhh..oh yeah! my composition book. So that being the case let me get you up to date with what's happening to me. First off my life sucks--Well not really, more like i suck. My life is perfect, any other peep wouldve want an awesome family like mine (even if they may be strict, that only shows you how much they care for you and your well being). Anywho back to the subject that i suck. I DO. First off school has been a pain in the ass! I feel alone even if i have Ritz and kim to keep me company. I still feel distant from them. Even more with ritz; Ever since she found out that i cut. Its probably just me but now i feel guiltythat Ritz continued back to her old self. What i mean is that she hasnt cut herself for awhile now until recently. She was doing great but now that greatness of hers crumpled to pieces. When she talks about cutting herself, that guilt of mine comes back to haunt me. I try to ignore it but it just seems to mock me. Thats why im trying hard not to tell Lupe where i cut myself next because then im afraid she might continue doing it because of me. She told me not to cut or else she would start doing it too, all over again. And i dont want that to happen because she has someone who loves her with all their heart. Thats Danny-boy--I mean Daniel (got use to the nickname) her boyfriend. Even though i dont know him, i do know that he wants her out of harms way...and so im trying hard to keep that promise to her... but the truth is that i have an addiction problem. I HAVE stop cutting my arm, chest, and ankle but now im cutting my wrist. and i just cant seem to STOP! I want to and yet i dont..i think i need help, but then if i ask for it, they might end up telling my family and they would be disappointed...i dont want that, so im going to try not to hurt myself even further...

Also, I have become more violent...my sis was taking my speakers if i didnt do something, but i became stuborn and said no. I wouldnt let her leave my room until she left my speakers alone. So, i snapped. I felt myself radiating with anger and pure evilness. I was think of different ways to kill her. Oh god wat is wrong with me?! I almost punched her but luckily she moved and i somewhat held back...but if you had seen her eyes filled with fear you too wouldve been afraid of the monster i had become. Im scared that i might end up killing someone i love without having control. Im scared and so because of that im depressed. LIKE EVRY STINKIN DAY!! I feel like i should just end my life..kill myself and say my last words on paper. But then i cant because i dont want to make peeps sad and im not sure if im strong enough to do it... So im going to try to live to my fullest; become a vet, have an awesome corvett, live in a ranch in the countryside, have tons of animals, and maybe a family too..and being an author would be pretty sweet. Anywho thats all i have to say.... oh yeah, when i read my diary apparently i write to many subjects dealing with 'love'..i dont think i believe in it anymore... i havent expierience it and by what i see from others it doesnt look like love.... So no more love talk eh? See ya!

Comment: So my friend talked to me wayyyyy back about not being my fault..and that talk actually helped... so yeah. For me i sometimes do it. Like once or twice but never deep like before... Myt scars are fading thankfully... i still have anger issues.. everyone in dis house does (lolz?)... theirs still something wrong with me and i doubt that will ever change.. oh and about love... a part of me doesnt believe in it.... and so yeah...