Same story, same ending

I'm thinking about it again.

Thinking about killing myself.

These suicidal thoughts keep getting worse as time goes on. I thought that as the years passed by everything would get better. But why do I feel like it's getting much worse?

I cant help but think about ways to end it, ways to "run" away from reality.
Reading and art doesn't work anymore, even that has become 'tiring'

Scenarios play in my head of where I would go or what I would do to end this 'disease' that is myself.

I dont want to die, not because I'm afraid of death (although I am) but mainly because I'm scared that God would push me away.

While I'm not as religious as my parents and I get pretty annoyed whenever someone preaches to me (since I was strictly raised in a catholic setting). That doesn't mean that i dont believe in God. I do believe. I sometimes try to talk to God (in my own way). Not often since I'm always ashamed of showing my horrible self to God.

I'm afraid of being rejected. While I deserve it I'm still a tad hopeful.

And yet...here I am. Rather then trying to get better im accepting this darkness to feed off of me. Lately I noticed whenever I argue with my family, the words "I wont live that long anyway"or "i wont survive" keep slipping out of my mouth. While they dont take it seriously (which I'm glad they dont ask questions) each day I find myself believing my own words.

Because the truth is that I wont survive long.

One day I will snap. Till that day comes I will try to prolong it a lil longer...

Looking for Hope...

      Their are times in my life when i just want to let go; give up really. I want to just disappear from this world and never come back. But even with these thoughts a part of me is desperately trying to hold on to something worth while. That small part of me doesn't want to let go, because for some insane reason it still believes that things can turn out better...well, that's what i tell myself. Maybe that small part of me is just to scared to leave everything behind, even when it knows that it  should. Or maybe i'm just looking for attention? ...but if that's the case, then where is that attention then? I don't see anybody worrying about me or trying to help..and the ones that do try a bit--I just end up pushing them away. So i don't really think I am looking for attention... I guess what i'm really looking for is a sign...a sign telling me that I won't be the failure that i'm already starting to be. A sign that shows that I will become a better person a life... A sign saying that not everything  turns out for the worst...All in all, I just want a sign to show me that I DO have a purpose in life. Because right now, I don't feel like I do... I really feel useless and without hope.....

Unjust of me...?

i dont know if it was right to get mad at my friend for trying to do something that i have been wanting to do too. She told me how she tried to kill herself but that then she thought about how wrong it was to go through it, so she didnt... but the thought that she did have it planned out; set and ready to go got me scared and mad. Scared because just the mere thought that i wouldnt see her again hurt... and mad because she was actually going to rip herself away from the people that care about her. Anyways i wrote back my feeling about how i would semi-hate her if she were to be gone... i was really angry and hurt when i wrote it but then the next day as i gave her the note... i thought to myself.. Do i have a right to get mad at her? Afterall i too wanted to do it too. I even tried to take pills but in the end stopped myself from doing something stupid... im not sure if i was fair...and i do know i must've hurt her feelings... i didnt mean too...it's just that im sacred...for her and for me too...