.

It hurts hearing those words...but it only hurts because I know they are true....

Posted via Blogaway

I'm sensitive to certain topics

Going to make it short.
Dad,sis, and me went to pick up my mom from the airport.
I was really happy to see her.
Once on the ride back home we started conversing.
The subject on our recent exercising was brought up.
Mom basically said I still looked fat...
She was trying to make a joke out of it but it still hurt. I tried so hard not to cry.
And finally when I thought it was over, the mention of me breaking the running machine was brought up as well.
Once again my weight problem came back.
It became so hard to hold back the tears.
When we came back home I was forced to eat something since I didn't eat anything today.
I wasn't hungry and now I just don't want to eat anymore....
Now everyone went to bed and I can finally cry myself to sleep...

Posted via Blogaway

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...

BFF is not always forever

They never last... It's sad how friendship from when we were young can break apart so easily....we were so innocent back then...and now we are not... A part of me wishes to go back to the old days...just a small tiny part...

Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

Unjust of me...?

i dont know if it was right to get mad at my friend for trying to do something that i have been wanting to do too. She told me how she tried to kill herself but that then she thought about how wrong it was to go through it, so she didnt... but the thought that she did have it planned out; set and ready to go got me scared and mad. Scared because just the mere thought that i wouldnt see her again hurt... and mad because she was actually going to rip herself away from the people that care about her. Anyways i wrote back my feeling about how i would semi-hate her if she were to be gone... i was really angry and hurt when i wrote it but then the next day as i gave her the note... i thought to myself.. Do i have a right to get mad at her? Afterall i too wanted to do it too. I even tried to take pills but in the end stopped myself from doing something stupid... im not sure if i was fair...and i do know i must've hurt her feelings... i didnt mean too...it's just that im sacred...for her and for me too...

4/13/10

Dear Journal,

Oh man, im really messed up. Lots of issues have been coming along the years for me; i knowthat its been awhile since i had written in my powerpuff diary, around 2 yrs i believe, but anywho today i felt the need to talk to someone who wont judge me for well EVERYTHING. Instead of writing in my diary i decided to write in a uhhh..oh yeah! my composition book. So that being the case let me get you up to date with what's happening to me. First off my life sucks--Well not really, more like i suck. My life is perfect, any other peep wouldve want an awesome family like mine (even if they may be strict, that only shows you how much they care for you and your well being). Anywho back to the subject that i suck. I DO. First off school has been a pain in the ass! I feel alone even if i have Ritz and kim to keep me company. I still feel distant from them. Even more with ritz; Ever since she found out that i cut. Its probably just me but now i feel guiltythat Ritz continued back to her old self. What i mean is that she hasnt cut herself for awhile now until recently. She was doing great but now that greatness of hers crumpled to pieces. When she talks about cutting herself, that guilt of mine comes back to haunt me. I try to ignore it but it just seems to mock me. Thats why im trying hard not to tell Lupe where i cut myself next because then im afraid she might continue doing it because of me. She told me not to cut or else she would start doing it too, all over again. And i dont want that to happen because she has someone who loves her with all their heart. Thats Danny-boy--I mean Daniel (got use to the nickname) her boyfriend. Even though i dont know him, i do know that he wants her out of harms way...and so im trying hard to keep that promise to her... but the truth is that i have an addiction problem. I HAVE stop cutting my arm, chest, and ankle but now im cutting my wrist. and i just cant seem to STOP! I want to and yet i dont..i think i need help, but then if i ask for it, they might end up telling my family and they would be disappointed...i dont want that, so im going to try not to hurt myself even further...

Also, I have become more violent...my sis was taking my speakers if i didnt do something, but i became stuborn and said no. I wouldnt let her leave my room until she left my speakers alone. So, i snapped. I felt myself radiating with anger and pure evilness. I was think of different ways to kill her. Oh god wat is wrong with me?! I almost punched her but luckily she moved and i somewhat held back...but if you had seen her eyes filled with fear you too wouldve been afraid of the monster i had become. Im scared that i might end up killing someone i love without having control. Im scared and so because of that im depressed. LIKE EVRY STINKIN DAY!! I feel like i should just end my life..kill myself and say my last words on paper. But then i cant because i dont want to make peeps sad and im not sure if im strong enough to do it... So im going to try to live to my fullest; become a vet, have an awesome corvett, live in a ranch in the countryside, have tons of animals, and maybe a family too..and being an author would be pretty sweet. Anywho thats all i have to say.... oh yeah, when i read my diary apparently i write to many subjects dealing with 'love'..i dont think i believe in it anymore... i havent expierience it and by what i see from others it doesnt look like love.... So no more love talk eh? See ya!

Comment: So my friend talked to me wayyyyy back about not being my fault..and that talk actually helped... so yeah. For me i sometimes do it. Like once or twice but never deep like before... Myt scars are fading thankfully... i still have anger issues.. everyone in dis house does (lolz?)... theirs still something wrong with me and i doubt that will ever change.. oh and about love... a part of me doesnt believe in it.... and so yeah...