Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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I always feel lonely

Just had another breakdown...I guess the emptiness of the house got to me...

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Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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I cry over everything

So bro came over and helped me take the dogs a shower (which also turned to a water war bt us). And later on I decided to take pixie for a walk, knowing that bro would tag along...but in the end it was too hot outside and bro decided to leave. And I decided to go cry in my room. I tried not to but knowing that I have no one who would want to just take a walk around my block later or just chill outside freaking sucks. It makes me cry... how stupid of me.

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Nagging voice

I keep thinking that I have no one. A voice inside my head keeps telling me that I can let go. That I have no one to hold me back therefore I should just get it over with. I know I shouldn't listen to that dark voice but sometimes it just feels like it's telling me the truth...

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Needy O.P

Sometimes i wish that someone would acknowledge me. That one day i would at least cross their mind and that they have the interest in knowing how im doing….what i dont what is that they feel the need to talk to me just because i started the convo. and they just dont want to be rude in telling me off. I want someone to just come up to me or just randomly msg me with a 'hey, its been awhile, i miss ya peep, what's been up?' I want them to actually have an interest me and be like 'wow she's a real cool peep'….i dont know what im saying… im not making sense… but i seriously been feeling down lately and i guess i want to know that i have someone their for me, ya know? … i just dont want to be alone anymore… :/

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Art buddies only...

     2yrs in college and it still hasn't gotten better. I haven't been doing great in school nor have I made friends or gone out to events in the community.
     I was lucky to meet these 3 awesome chicks in art this semester. My art sessions were the only  days I looked forward to going, not because I got to paint but mainly because I finally was able to laugh and talk freely with these peeps. Those moments together were wonderful, I felt truly happy, I felt like I had friends who liked me for me.....but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up... the last day of art class and 2 of them left without saying goodbye and the other one basically said we probably won't see each other next semester...
I knew that we weren't friends, that's why I would only refer them as art buddies instead. I knew that I shouldn't get attach with them, because in the end I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere....and though i thought I was prepared....
I wasn't it...
It still hurt me in the end knowing that they wouldn't miss me as much as I would miss them.....

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im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

hang out

I don't usually go out and hang with friends. So the few times I get invited, I get really happy and excited....sometimes I don't end up going, so it literally breaks my heart...this might be the case for these invites :/

It'll get better they say..Lies (College Life)

I talked about my College Life already, but I never throughly talked about my social life in College. I'm pretty sure since my last post you get the point that I have NO friends at all. A little bit more than a year and still I don't have anyone. I've been meaning to talk about this because honestly its been bothering me for quite some time now. Actually, every stinking day it feels like a jab to the heart whenever I see people talking/hanging out so freely with others. I hate it. And when I try to forget about it and try to not remind myself how miserable I am here, I see posts on social networks of others who are having fun in their college with their friends. I shouldn't be feeling jealous but I do. I can't help it. I envy them for having a friend or 2. I envy them for having the college experience, even if it means that they may have some troubles with others, I still envy that. I want that, I want to laugh with another person. Shoot I want to get angry with them when I think their being unreasonable!

I just want someone to acknowledge me here. I'm tired of feeling lonely and pathetic. I know I have my sister and she's my only friend here (she doesn't have friends either which I bet she understands this feeling too), but sometimes being with my sister can be too much (she even agrees). It would be nice to have a break once in awhile with someone else.

Sure I had study buddies, or talked to one classmate in a class but never do we hang out of class. The few times I asked other peeps numbers, we never hit it off. I feel like I'm bothering them and when I see them on fb I noticed they have peeps of their own already. And that's another thing, they already have a group of friends. I'm just an outcast that doesn't belong.....

I just wish my college life was better than this...

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.

Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

Looking for Hope...

      Their are times in my life when i just want to let go; give up really. I want to just disappear from this world and never come back. But even with these thoughts a part of me is desperately trying to hold on to something worth while. That small part of me doesn't want to let go, because for some insane reason it still believes that things can turn out better...well, that's what i tell myself. Maybe that small part of me is just to scared to leave everything behind, even when it knows that it  should. Or maybe i'm just looking for attention? ...but if that's the case, then where is that attention then? I don't see anybody worrying about me or trying to help..and the ones that do try a bit--I just end up pushing them away. So i don't really think I am looking for attention... I guess what i'm really looking for is a sign...a sign telling me that I won't be the failure that i'm already starting to be. A sign that shows that I will become a better person a life... A sign saying that not everything  turns out for the worst...All in all, I just want a sign to show me that I DO have a purpose in life. Because right now, I don't feel like I do... I really feel useless and without hope.....

Lonely

I cried tonight. I cried for a stupid selfish reason. I cried because of my loneliness. I feel like i have no one. And when i semi do, i still feel like they will never truly understand how lonesome i am. Im so use to not talking to peeps off school days, not going anywhere but staying refuged in my room, not having anyone remeber you and be like "hey she's a cool person. I wonder if she/he wants to tag along?". dont think anyone truly understands until they've been there. I just feel so alone. So not worth it in this world. I asked God today to give me a sign if their was anything worth fighting for. Other than my family and few friends, i just dont find anything worth it anymore. I just dont. You know i just want to end it. So many opportunities i had/have...but i dont.. why you ask? Because i guess for some stupid reason i still have hope that everything will turn out to be better in the end...